A Captain, A Cathar, and a Former Sith Lord Revisited

There was only one night left until the Ebon Hawk reached Korriban. Sarin Jast wished she had more time, but in just a few hours, she and her comrades would be going head-first into the final mission to get the final Star Map. Sarin sighed softly at the thought. Oh how she wished she had more time, even just another day...

It's getting late, and Juhani is expecting me, Sarin thought. Ever since that first night they had made love, Sarin and the Cathar woman had been sleeping together in the medical bay. Since there were few medical needs during hyperspace travel, it was agreed that they would sleep in there because it was the only place where they could have undisturbed privacy.

Sarin wasn't sure why she was stalling. She had been working out a little in the cargo hold, keeping her lightsaber skills sharp by allowing a remote to fire laser bolts at her. She'd done a smooth, flawless job, and had just shut off her weapon, which cued the remote to stand down. I care for Juhani, and... I desire her, she thought, gripping the lightsaber hilt firmly in her hands. But... do I really love her? For some reason, that question kept haunting Sarin, to the point where she kept having to shove it aside because she simply didn't want to deal with it. Sarin had no one but Juhani, not anymore. She knew Canderous would have her if she chose him, but she didn't want him.

 I want Carth. Sarin blinked. That thought had practically sprung into her mind. She gulped, and felt a pang of guilt as she slipped her lightsaber back onto her belt. How can I even think that at such a time as this?! she thought, knowing that Juhani had given herself so freely and so openly to her. That mere thought was a bitter betrayal to the Cathar woman. Juhani made love to me freely, and has become one mind and one body with me ever since that first night we gave ourselves to each other, Sarin scolded herself. And Carth doesn't want me at all... he hates me.

Sarin gritted her teeth, and stalked out of the cargo hold. Carth doesn't deserve me, he never did. I will go to the one person who has truly accepted me for who I am.

With that, she shoved all thoughts of Carth out of her mind, and began to head toward the medical bay, knowing that Juhani would be there. But as she passed through the main hold, someone gently touched her shoulder and turned her around. Sarin's eyes nearly bulged out of her head when she saw who it was.

 "Carth!" Sarin exclaimed. "What the hell--"

"Sarin," Carth said, and she noticed something odd in his eyes. This is the first time he's looked at me directly... since he told me he couldn't love me, Sarin thought. "What is it?" she asked, in a gentler tone. Part of her wanted to shove him away and get the hell away from him, but something in his eyes, and the way he'd said her name, made her freeze.

"Sarin," he said again, in that way she'd always loved to hear him say her name, before he'd found out she was Revan. "I..." He swallowed, and let go of her shoulders, allowing his arms to drop at his sides. "Ever since you and Juhani got together... I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Every time you are with her... it's like..." he trailed off.

Sarin silently waited for him to continue. Her pulse was quickening, and her heart was pounding softly in her chest. Was part of her actually hoping something? Indeed I am! she thought.

 "I can't hate you," Carth finally said, staring down at the floor. It was like he couldn't look at her now. "I did, at least I thought I did. I mean, I hated Revan. But I fell in love with Sarin Jast, and that's who you seem to be now."

 Carth took a deep breath, then continued. "Sarin... I have been a fool. I feel like I've pushed you away, and made you fall into someone else's arms. Sarin..." Carth looked at her now, reaching a hand out toward her. "Is it too late for us to try to start over? I mean... Revan seems to be gone, it's like the Jedi beat her, and she's dead now. Sarin, no matter what part of Revan is still there inside you, I still love you. No matter how much I've tried to deny that, and forget it, I just can't."

He gently took her hands into his, giving them a gentle squeeze, looking into her eyes. "Ever since you and Juhani started spending time with you, and you both started sleeping together..." He gulped. "I've felt... jealous." It was like he had to force that last word out; he was a proud man, one who didn't like to admit his feelings freely. The fact that he was sharing it with her showed her his heart, that he did still love her, and he was taking a big change here. He was risking having his heart stomped on just on the slim chance she would have him.

If she pushed him away, if she simply turned and went to Juhani... she would simply be doing what he had done to her that night when he'd told her he couldn't love her. She felt a huge thrill in her chest, and knew she couldn't do anything like that to him, but at the same time she still hurt.

"Carth, I..." She swallowed, and looked down at the floor, but made no effort to pull her hands away from him. "I love you, too."

She heard Carth's intake of breath, one of happiness and relief, but she quickly continued. "But I can't just abandon Juhani, not after all of this. I won't break her heart..." She slowly raised her eyes to glare at Carth. "The way you broke mine when you told me you couldn't love me."

 Carth opened his mouth to speak, but Sarin cut him off. "Carth, it's just not that easy. Not now. I'm not saying it's too late for us to start over, I'm just saying that I can't just get over the hurt of what you did to me that night just because you've realized you still love me. This is very sudden, and... Carth I love you, I want you, I've wanted you even after you said those hurtful things to me. But... it's so much more complicated now." She looked at him with a look of resentment in her eyes. Why couldn't you have come to me before Juhani and I got together? Why did you have to wait until you were jealous of our relationship before you came back to me?

 "Carth, I'm sorry... this is just too sudden. And I need some time to think about this... We can talk more later, okay?" Before Carth could say a word, Sarin tore her hands away from him and ran toward the medical bay.

*****

Juhani could tell that something was wrong with Sarin as they both got ready to bed down for the night, but she couldn't tell what. Sarin had simply run into the medical bay, looking upset and flushed, and locked the door in a hurry. But whatever was troubling her, Sarin wouldn't say. So Juhani just proceeded as she normally would have, knowing she would have to wait until Sarin was ready to talk to her.

Sarin sat on the edge of the medical bed, admiring the Cathar's slender figure. She was somewhat pleased that she still felt desire for Juhani, it showed that their love was real. It means that I haven't simply been using Juhani as a way to fill the void Carth left, to cover the pain, Sarin thought with relief. I have nothing to feel guilty about... not in that way, at least.

Sarin sat quietly and watched as Juhani undressed, folding her clothes neatly on the floor. Feeling her breath quicken and her heart beat faster in her chest, Sarin couldn't wait until she had the Cathar woman in her arms again--even though part of her, to her shame, wished it was Carth instead.

I can't just trade lovers like a pair of socks, it wouldn't be right, Sarin thought. I owe this to Juhani, at least.

Once Juhani had finished undressing, she walked over and helped Sarin slip out of her own clothes. It was just something they did sometimes; something that had become sort of a ritual, or a game. Then they both lay on the floor together, since there was not enough room on the medical bunk for them both.

Sarin began to run her fingers over the Cathar's short, golden fur, loving the way it felt under her hands. Then she pressed her lips firmly against Juhani's, crushing her bossom against the Cathar's, and time itself seemed to stop as they sank deeper into their passions...

 ****

Neither of them were certain how much time had passed, but both Sarin and Juhani now lay in each other's arms, gazing up at the ceilling. Juhani seemed rather sleepy after their passionate love-making, and on the verge of drifting off. Sarin, however, didn't feel she would sleep at all. And I need at least some sleep, we have a big day tomorrow, she thought.

Sarin looked at the Cathar woman beside her, and began to stroke her fur gently again. I love this woman, she thought. Suddenly, she wasn't sure if she wanted to give her up for Carth, if nothing else because she had made love to Juhani many times now. She'd never made love to Carth, and she couldn't help but wonder if she would just end up comparing his love-making to Juhani's.

Oh what am I going to do? she thought. She leaned in closer and kissed Juhani's forehead. The Cathar stirred slightly, and smiled. "Oh Sarin," she said softly, "I am so pleased to know that we will have the rest of our lives to be together." She chuckled. "Of course, hopefully we will be able to do this in more comfortable quarters, once our mission is complete."

 Sarin felt another pang of guilt in her chest, but shoved it down. Just focus on Juhani, she told herself. "Of course," Sarin blurted out. She smiled a little, then slowly untangled herself from Juhani's arms and got up off the floor. "Excuse me, I just need to visit the 'fresher, I'll be right back," she said. With that, she grabbed her Jedi robe, put it on, and tied it loosely around her waist. Then she slipped out of the medical bay.

Sarin walked directly toward the 'fresher, and opened the door. She then gasped with horror when she saw Carth in side. "Oh my God--Carth! I'm so sorry!" She quickly moved to slam the door closed, her cheeks hot with embarrassment. But Carth was faster, and prevented her from closing the door.

 "No--no," Carth said. "I was just washing up, and I'm finished now."

"Oh." Sarin still didn't look at him, although she felt herself calming down slightly. "I'm still sorry though... I should have knocked first. I just didn't think."

"It's okay," Carth said. He took his chin into her hand, forcing her to lookat him. "Look, there's only about four hours until we reach Korriban... I think if we're going to talk, we should talk now."

"Um... alright," Sarin gulped. This was all too much, too sudden, but she saw no way of putting it off.

"Come in here." Carth gestured into the bathroom.

Sarin raised her eyebrows. "In there?" she said, deadpan.

"Well, it's private, and if anyone needs to use the bathroom, we can get out," Carth said with a shrug. "Come on."

Sarin shrugged too, then stepped into the bathroom.

Carth closed and locked the door once they were inside. "Sarin," he began, "I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for the way I hurt you. The truth is, I haven't loved anyone since Morgana died, and maybe it just seemed like... if I loved Revan, it was betraying her in a way, because Revan was one of the people who helped kill her." He swallowed. "But you've given me hope, you helped me get my son back, and you've saved my butt more times than I can count ever since we first met on Taris. And, especially after you started sleeping with Juhani..." He drew in a deep breath. "I realized I can't imagine living without you."

 Sarin began to hear her heart pounding in her chest, harder than it ever had with Juhani--or at least, the Cathar could never get her heart beating that hard, that fast. "But Carth, you know that I can't just dump Juhani. Not now, not after everything she and I have shared."

"I know," Carth said, reaching out and gently stroking her cheek. Sarin found herself melting under his touch, under the warmth of his hand. She closed her eyes for a moment, then when she opened them, she looked at him with an expression of pure longing in her eyes.

Carth looked deeply into her eyes with his own, and knew that she really did want him, possibly even more than she wanted Juhani. Don't do anything, he tried to tell himself. You must respect Juhani enough not to do anything, not until all of this gets sorted out.

Sarin brushed her fingers against his hand, and continued to look at him with slightly parted lips. Before he realized what he was doing, Carth leaned in and kissed her. It began as a gentle kiss, then quickly turned into a hard, breath-taking, passionate kiss.

Sarin wrapped her arms around his muscular body, melting into his embrace as he engulfed her in her arms and with his kisses. She'd missed his scent, his touch, the feel of his body, the hair around his lips that she felt when she kissed him... she had missed all of it.

Carth suddenly drew back, as though wanting to be cautious, but then Sarin realized he was merely looking at her, admiring her. Then, before either of them realized what was happening, Carth reached out and gently undid the strings that were loosely holding the robe around Sarin's sleek body. Sarin turned her face downward, but allowed him to gently and slowly undress her. She realized she wanted him to see her, to truly see her for the first time, but at the same time she was shy about it. Not because she didn't want him to see her naked, but because she was worried about what he might think.

Why are you worried? she asked herself. You were never worried like this when Juhani first saw you... Then the answer came to her. It's because... you actually care more what Carth will think...

Her robe fell to the floor, and she looked up at Carth's face. She was worried she might see disappointment, or some sign of rejection, but she saw none of that. She then found herself smiling, and giggling a little. Then she playfully pushed against him, knocking them both to the floor, and she began to undo the belt buckle on his pants.

Tonight... we shall see what it's like...

Author's Note: I might continue this, or might not, we'll see >.>