Love

Author's Note: I sorta consider this to be a "sequel" to my other fic, "A Captain, a Cathar, and a Former Sith Lord". If nothing else, the scenes in this fic that involve Revan (aka Sarin Jast) take place after the end of that fic.

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Dustil Onasi rubbed his sore wrist warily as he stomped out of the cargo bay. Deep down he knew that he was being a poor sport, but at the moment he simply did not care.

I'll get that Mandalorian next time, I swear it! he thought as he stalked down the corridor toward the crew quarters. He just hoped that the room was empty, because he wanted some time alone to think. And while the Ebon Hawk wasn't exactly a small ship, he'd often found it difficult to find any privacy at times. Especially when they were on one of those long trips in hyperspace, such as now.

They were on their way to the Star Forge, since Sarin Jast and the others had managed to retrieve the last Star Map on Korriban. Before they'd left, they had convinced Dustil that staying with the Sith was a bad idea, and Dustil had grudgingly left the place. The fact remained though that he was aware that the Sith were nothing more than a collection of opportunistic cut-throats, and he'd been planning to leave anyway. His only regret was that going with Carth and his friends meant leaving Selene behind.

 I tried to make her come along, but she chose to stay, Dustil thought. She'd nearly been killed in an accident on Korriban at the excavation site, and she seemed convinced that it was not an accident. So she'd sworn that she would stay and try to find out who tried to take her life, ignoring any warning that Dustil had given her.

 They'll probably kill her, Dustil thought. Then again, why not? I've lost my world, I lost my father even though I am traveling with him now... maybe I would have been better off staying with the Sith. At least I could have tried to protect her...

 He stopped walking as another thought came to him. Or perhaps... I could have forced her to come with me. Then she would have been safe. Dustil mentally kicked himself and continued down the hallway. Seems like I fail at everything I do.

 When he arrived at the crew quarters, he was relieved to find that the room was empty. He walked inside, slammed the door shut behind him, and then plopped himself down on the edge of the bed. He then took off his boots, threw them across the room where they bounced off the opposite wall, and then he lay back in his bed, sighing. He folded his arms behind his head and proceeded to stare up at the ceililng.

What the hell am I doing here? he asked himself. Unfortunately, no answer seemed to come. He let out a soft growl under his breath and rolled over onto his side, muttering under his breath. If nothing else... perhaps he could get some sleep. Sleep, at least, was one form of escape. It wasn't as serene as meditation, but it was often like escaping to another world, because he could dream. And dreams, even though they could be good or bad, were an excellent form of escape, especially because one could always wake up if they turned bad.

 ******

 Canderous simply got back to work after the Onasi boy stormed out of the cargo bay. Carth was, as usual, busy in the cockpit, and the kid was getting restless, so the Mandalorian had offered to do a sparring match with him. Canderous was merely curious what the boy was capable of, although deep down he also wanted to give the agitated youth something to do. He wasn't sure what it was, but Canderous could swear he could see at least a hint of something in himself in Dustil when he was that age...

 To his surprise, Canderous had found the boy to be a worthy opponent in a sparring match. The only problem was that the boy seemed a bit too impulsive and impatient. And when Canderous had gruffly tried to encourage the boy and point out his faults in his fighting stance, it only seemed to annoy Dustil all the more. At one point, they got a bit rougher with each other than necessary--at Dustil's instigation--and Canderous ended up straining Dustil's wrist a little. It was then that Dustil had run out, and Canderous simply let him go.

 The boy needs to grow up a bit, Canderous thought, as he puttered around the swoop bike, fine-tuning it a bit. He didn't often fool around with machinery, but sometimes he did if there wasn't anything else to do. Running away is something that little girls do. It takes a man to stand your ground, even if you get a boo-boo.

 He shook his head slightly, and all thoughts of the Onasi boy were forgotten as he set back to work.

******

Dustil stirred at the sound of footsteps coming, and he heard someone fiddling with the door. He groaned inwardly when he heard the door open, and he slowly sat up. It better not be Father or Canderous! he thought.

To his utmost shock and dismay, it was none other than the blue-skinned Twi'lek girl who entered. Mission stepped inside and looked at him, then blinked. "Hey, what the heck are you doing in here?" she demanded, placing her hands on her hips and tapping her foot.

 "I think I should be asking you that, you little snake head!" Dustil shot back. "What're you doing in the men's quarters?"

"No it isn't!" Mission said, as if he was stupid. "It's the womens' quarters!"

Dustil stared at her, not quite believing her for a moment. Then he turned and looked around the room. Sure enough, he saw some items sitting around that suggested this was indeed where the women slept.

"And that is my bed you're in!" Mission exclaimed, and Dustil muttered something under his breath, getting up hastily. "Sorry," he mumbled, and walked to the other side of the room to retrieve his boots.

Mission sat down on the edge of her bed, not even bothering to neaten it up at all. "So... what's up?" she asked casually.

 "Nothing," Dustil said. He had picked up his boots, and now was struggling to get them on while standing up. "I just wanted to have some privacy... and I thought I'd gone to the right room. Apparently not, though." After a moment of effort with some grunting, he finally managed to get his boots back on. Why I can never get a pair of boots in the right size, I'll never know, he thought.

 "Ah," Mission said, and then offered no further comment.

 Dustil looked at her for a moment, then simply shook his head and left the room. Although in a way he wasn't sure where he was going to go, since it seemed like there were several places on this ship he'd rather not go. His father was in the cockpit, someone he blamed for never being home. But also that cursed Mandalorian was in the cargo hold... and Revan was also around somewhere. Dustil blamed the Jedi in some ways, especially Revan, because it was their fault what happened at Telos. Revan had been trained by Jedi, and then she and Malak destroyed Telos, and even before that they had taken his Father away from home.

There were quite a few people onboard who he felt were to blame... but the best he could do was to simply make the best of the situation.

 ******

Sarin Jast still felt stung by Carth's words. He'd loved Sarin Jast, but he couldn't love Revan. Revan would always be a part of her identity no matter what happened; it was just something she could not change.

She had taken a long shower in the 'fresher, simply enjoying the wonderful feel of very warm water pour over her body. It was a luxury she allowed herself to enjoy, because this was the first time in weeks that she'd had the time to enjoy it.

When she finished, she put on fresh clothes and then stepped out of the bathroom. She'd hogged it for as long as she could, and even though it was the one place on the ship where privacy could be found and guarunteed, she knew she couldn't simply stay locked away in there for the remainder of the trip. Especially since it was the only bathroom onboard.

"Sarin?"

Sarin turned her head, hearing someone softly call out her name. "Oh, hi Juhani," she said. "Is there something you need?"

"I just wanted to talk, if it is alright?" Juhani said.

"Sure." In a way, Sarin didn't want to talk to her, and felt a bit awkward around the Cathar. Nonetheless, part of her wanted to stay, although even she wasn't completely sure why.

"I... heard about what happened between you and Carth," Juhani began, sounding a little bit nervous. "That is... Carth told me about some of it." She swallowed. "I am sorry for what happened... do you want to talk about it?"

Sarin realized that she could see something in the Cathar's eyes. There was a hopeful look on her face, and Sarin knew what it was. She figures that if Carth doesn't want me, perhaps she and I could have a future together, Sarin thought.

"Juhani..." Sarin found herself taking a step closer to her. Somehow, it did feel tempting to... pursue this, to possibly even give it a try. After all, Juhani loved her because she used to be Revan and had been redeemed. Carth had rejected her because he could not love Revan. Then... Juhani has shown more understanding and loyality to me, Sarin thought. She suddenly felt a pang of bitterness toward Carth at that thought. I feel betrayed by him, she realized. It's as though he fell in love with a lie, but Juhani... she cares for the real me.

Just then, Sarin realized that Juhani had taken a step toward her as well, and both of them had stopped simultaneously. "Juhani..." Sarin said again, and found herself unable to continue. Nonetheless, somehow just saying that word, in that tone of voice, seemed to say it all. I want you... I want you very much...

In a sudden movement, Juhani moved closer, and took Sarin into her arms. She then pressed her lips firmly against Sarin's, kissing her passionately. Sarin returned the embrace and the kiss fiercely. She felt cared for, and she felt wanted. It was the best feeling in the world.

The both drew back from each other for a moment, and looked deep into each other's eyes. Then they both realized that they wanted the same thing. Sarin took Juhani's hand, and lead her toward the medical bay. Thankfully it was vacant at the moment, so they went inside, and locked the door.

"I..." Juhani began, and seemed to lose her voice for a moment. "I have wanted this for so long," she finally managed after a moment. She touched Sarin again, and allowed herself to be laid on the floor, where they began to kiss passionately again.

Sarin reached over and gently undid part of Juhani's torso, removing the upper part of her Jedi robe, then touched the Cathar's bare shoulders. As Sarin gently eased Juhani out of her clothing, the Cathar slid her hands around Sarin's waist and did the same.

The next thing they both knew, they were lying on the floor together, sharing a closeness neither of them had ever shared before, and this closeness continued for a considerable amount of time. Niether of them knew how much time passed, nor did they care. They were as one mind and one body, enjoying the pleasure of each other's touch, and kissing passionately.

Finally, when the heat of their shared bliss died down, they were contented to lay in each other's arms, where Juhani eventually drifted off to sleep. Sarin cuddled close to her, running her hands over Juhani's back, and then over her abdoman. Sarin decided that she liked the feel of the Cathar's short, golden fur that coated her body. It's something that I can get used too, Sarin thought.

And yet, even in the midst of all this, another thought came to her mind. I wish this was Carth I was lying with.... A pang of emotion hit her like a stab in the chest. She had saved herself for Carth, and had previously said no to Juhani, and even before that she had said no to Canderous as well. She was certain that Canderous would have her, and Juhani already had her. But Carth... he wouldn't have her.

The one person she loved... he wouldn't have her.

But that is no reason to reject someone who will have me, Sarin thought, and drew herself closer to Juhani, pressing herself against the Cathar. And yet, even as she did so--and thus accepting the Cathar's warmth, as part of her own flesh--she found herself wondering something. Could she possibly be content to live out the rest of her life with a woman? She had once told Juhani that she could not accept her love because she needed a man.

There is Canderous, but I am not sure how well that could work out, Sarin thought. She needed someone who was more... sensitive to who she was. Canderous was every bit as good as Juhani, in the way of a warrior, but Juhani had a heart that Sarin found herself desiring more.

I choose... Juhani, she finally thought to herself, and smiled.

With that, she drifted off to sleep herself.