The General

A/N: This is a short one-shot I wrote a few weeks ago while I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with Kuryama. I was playing around with the idea of doing a pre-K2 series about her in the Mandalorian War but I dropped it shortly after writing this, other ideas coming into my head.

 


 

They came at her in a five-pointed attack. Wooden swords swung and thrusted, stabbed and chopped, all of them trying to breach the defense put up by a single opposing blade. Occasionally, someone would grunt in pain, but that someone was never the person in the center of the five attackers. They could not land a single blow that was not deflected.

Bodies were slick with the sweat of exertion; this had been going on for hours.

Jedi Knight Kuryama Nari stood in the center of the training room at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, holding back five Padawans with her single sword. She was dressed in training tights, garments not known for their particular modesty but freedom of movement. Her tanned flesh glistened with perspiration, black hair was pulled back in a braid that hung over her shoulder, piercing gray eyes always alert.

She knew each of the five Padawans quite well, she had been training with them for over two years.

Serda was five years younger than Kuryama, an up-and-coming Padawan, she had a special interest in the Ataru form.

Jilon, Vrook's apprentice, was cautious to the point of indecision. Kuryama did not hesitate to teach him the dangers of wavering in battle, and he was more often than not hit hard by her blows.

Tave was about her age, but had yet to learn to adequately control his impulses.

Kile was a bold-faced imitator. She wanted nothing more than be like Kuryama in every way, and her enthusiasm always made things interesting.

The last of them, Barek, was Kavar's apprentice. He, like Jilon, would often hold back cautiously, but he usually knew when best to attack. And he was quite good at attacking.

They all knew she was more than a match for all of them combined, but valued the skills to be gained from learning from the best. And by the Force, everyone knew Kuryama was the best. She was on her way towards becoming a sabre master in her own right. She was a living legend, a hero of the younger Jedi. Though recognition of her talents brought divided feelings from the older Jedi, including some on the Council who saw her exceptional lightsabre skills as wasteful to the point of arrogance, the fact remained that there were a great many talented Jedi whom Kuryama could fight to a standstill.

But even legends needed to train. In fact, they required to be in constant training, day in day out, in order to stay in top form. And Kuryama meant to continue improving.

Tave lashed out with a wild strike to her side. She ducked down, redirecting his wooden blade to intercept Jilon's slow thrust and bending beneath Serda's arcing swing. As she straightened she brought her sword up to parry a charging stab from Kile's blade. The girl was not discouraged by the block and rotated her sword arm around to swing it in a cleaving swipe. But Kuryama was too fast, anticipating her move and driving an elbow into Kile's stomach as she tried to bring her sword into play. Barek swung for her unprotected back but she flipped her sword over her shoulders and blocked his blade with lightning-quick reflexes.

Kuryama counter-attacked. Jilon stood still too long, watching her, and she brought the attack to him. She stabbed low, forcing his guard down to protect his knees, and then she unexpectedly pulled back just before the blow struck. Instead of impacting with his well-placed parry, Kuryama shifted her strike and catch him on the shoulder, evading his guard completely. Jilon cried out in pain and staggered back while she went after Serda. Serda met her attack with one of her own, clashing their swords together. Kuryama quickly spun out of the hold and forced Serda to defend. The girl's parry of Kuryama's blow was weak and her guard came crumbling down. Kuryama poured into the opening and caught Serda in the ribs, sending her to the floor.

As Tave and Barek came at her, Kuryama bent over to the side, supporting herself on her free hand and lashed out with her feet. Barek deftly avoided her unexpected attack but Tave was knocked off balance. She finished him off with a slap of her sword to his chest. Barek charged for her but she side-stepped, blocking his sword and grabbing hold of his arm. As he continued forward she forced his sword arm up over his head and yanked him back. He crashed to the floor.

The last one still standing, Kile thrust her sword at Kuryama in a stabbing motion. Her strike was easily deflected by Kuryama's quick parry. The block put Kile at a disadvantage which Kuryama pressed mercilessly. She locked blade and forcefully knocked Kile's from her hands to hold her at sword-point.

Thoroughly beaten Padawans lay all around her.

"I think that's enough for today." Kuryama panted heavily as she spoke.

Kile nodded gratefully as Kuryama handed her the wooden sword. The other Padawans crawled to their feet, as exhausted as Kile. Kuryama graciously helped them up, uttering words of encouragement and instruction to each of them. She was a teacher to them, and they took very seriously everything she said to them, whether it be praise or rebuke.

As any teacher would, she told them their failings.

"Kile, you think too far ahead at the expense of the present. Forethought is good but the moment must also be considered. Barek, never discount the enemy's skills; always be prepared for anything they might throw at you. Serda, your form is good but you must be faster. Tave, you must never be caught off-guard; you have to expect everything and nothing. Jilon, you must remember that one has to commit himself to the fight or it is lost, battles are not won by pacifism."

Kuryama took a towel from the rack that stood by the wall of the training room, wiped the sweat from her face. Two hours of intense practice left every muscle humming, her heart pounding in the rush, her skin slick with perspiration.

She took her gray robe from its hanger where she had left it and headed for the showers. A Temple Vanguard intercepted her before she made it to the showers, alerting her that Revan had contacted the Temple from Dantooine and requested the speak with her.

"Please tell Revan I have just finished a two-hour training session and am in need of a shower. I will be available in ten minutes," she told the Vanguard.

He shook his head. "I'm afraid Knight Revan was quite insistent that he speak with you immediately."

"Very well. Where?"

"The holo room in the Archives, second level."

"Thank you."

Kuryama hurried off, thinking of what Revan might want to speak to her about. She had to guess it concerned the Mandalorians and their unprovoked aggression towards Republic worlds. Revan had been among the first within the Order to speak up in favor of intervention; as the attacks continued unabated, his homeworld was placed directly within the line of fire. But still there was no word from the Council.

Revan was a strong character, one who stood up for his beliefs and challenged anyone who contradicted him. He had a great many admirers scattered about on Jedi worlds all over the galaxy from his frequent travels. Lately, however, he had been spending most of his time on Dantooine. Kuryama would often see him at the academy during her weekly visits.

The holo room was empty but for Revan's glowing figure. That he had asked to speak with her in private spoke lengths of his seriousness, for Revan had a very open personality; he was practically Jedi celebrity.

"I am here, Revan. What is it that is so urgent it could not wait until I've showered?" Kuryama asked the famous Jedi.

Revan unconsciously tugged at the dark beard that lined his square jaw, a sign of worry. His deep set eyes looked like they hadn't seen sleep in three days.

"Kuryama, old friend, I need you to come to Dantooine right away," he said.

Her alarms went off immediately at his use of the term 'old friend'. It was a code word reserved for his inner circle, meant to convey to others that he was calling a gathering of his closest allies. Revan had always excelled at drawing people together for his own purposes, whether they were parallel or in conflict with those of the Council.

"What has happened?" Kuryama asked.

"There are urgent matters I must discuss with you. But it must be in person. I trust only your eyes and ears, you must come to Dantooine," Revan pressed.

"Very well, I'll come as soon as I can," she promised.

"Hurry. Time is the one thing we don't have."

I don't say this a lot, but Awesome!!!

Like how you gave Kuryama a good fight in the training room. I'm especially glad Vrook's apprentice got whooped. Also, your description of Revan was very good.

Great story all around!

Remember, the Force will be.....wait, wrong story.

Very Nice

Your battle sequences are very well done.  And somehow, the way you've painted her impressions of the padawan make her immensely likeable.  Of course, it helps that Vrook doesn't like her... that makes anyone more likeable!  ;)  I also like the chemistry that seems to instantly exist between her and Revan.

I will say that this sentence threw me off, "But weeks had passed and still the Republic's calls for assistance had gone unanswered by the Council."  According to the timeline I found on wookieepedia, it was 2 years between when the republic began fighting the Mandalorian war and when Revan joined them...  not that it matters much... but, since getting the timeline laid out right for my stories has always been one of my biggest headaches, it just threw me out of the story for a second.

I've never thought to check

I've never thought to check the freakin' Web for these 'timeline' things you speak of. I just kind of wing it and hope I don't contradict myself. I'm not even sure how many years it was from the beginning of the Jedi Civil War to the events of KOTOR 2, so as you might guess, I do a lot of... well, guessing.

"Blame not the knife, but its wielder."

Like I said, it's not a big

Like I said, it's not a big deal.  I think I mostly guessed on the timelines for the first of my stories and it works.  I'd just been reading that wookieepedia page recently and so it jumped out at me...  :)

Anti-Jedi Council bias? Oh,

Anti-Jedi Council bias? Oh, that's original.

So you are going to nay-say

So you are going to nay-say this entire story, this very well written story, just because some of the material in this has been done by other authers before? That is just unreasonable. Lord Zeuss says on his profile that he is irrevocably slanted against the Jedi Council, so one would assume that this fact will filter into the stories he writes.

"Respect is a funny thing, people always seem to think they deserve it, but the truth is respect is something you have to earn."

Clarification

"Nay-say" the story for that alone? First of all, I have read plenty of fics here, and I don't recall any of them not having player-character bias, and player-character bias puts a major damper on any fan fic which contains it (this one included). Besides, the fact that he admits this weakness openly is irrelevant. Second, I have other reasons. The entire thing is an over-the-top aggrandizment of how great the Exile is supposed to be. The idea that any student could effectively defend against, let alone defeat five other students at once is ridiculous, and that single five-on-one fight is (aside from the very brief conversation with Revan) the entirety of the story.

If you feel this way...

I'm not going to argue with you, which your original comment indicates is obviously what you want. If this is your mindset, then it is your prerogative not to read the story.

"Blame not the knife, but its wielder."

If I read it, then there's

If I read it, then there's no reason I can't review it.

Dead end there

Exactly! So actually review it! Don't just add in a pathetic comment designed to insult. You added in what you didn't particularly like, but you did not say how to fix it. If you are as entitled to review it, then you should review it unless you don't have time to. It is obvious by the number of comments you have put up already that you do have time, so use it wisely.


Only mindless people can hate Carth, Atton, Anakin, or the Master Chief. I am not mindless, and therefore, a fangirl.

Zalbaar swore a lifedebt to Revan. I swore a lifedebt to Jesus.

I think you missed that she

I think you missed that she is a Jedi Knight and they are padawan learners... :)

Oh, and if you want to openly criticize something, do mine next!  I love input... positive and negative alike... :)

MOD Note: Knock It Off

Review posts are for reviewing the piece of work in question.  They are not forums for flame wars, or forums to show of your ability, or lack thereof, of delivering snarky one-liners, or smacking down the snarky one-liner deliverer.

If you are going to review a piece of work, your review will be more effective if you actually express what you like or don't like in a story.  If you have a problem with another reviewer's review, take it to PM.  If you wish to nit-pick canon down to the CGI scar tissue on Darth Sion's left nostril, they're happy to oblige you in the forums.  If you want to fling insults at each other, go open livejournal accounts or take it somewhere else.

Athenaprime

KFM Mod

Ignore TKA001; everyone's

Ignore TKA001; everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but I've seen some of his/her previous reviews and they're all flames. It's childish and accomplishes nothing, so just ignore him/her.

Anyway, back to your fic. My only issue? It finished. It could have perhaps done with a bit more to it, making it a little bit longer, it felt as though it finished too quickly. Though as a bit of background to your Exile it worked well.

As always your spelling and grammar is immaculate (at least as far as I can see). Like qt314159 said, your battle scenes are really good. You don't spend hours describing every little movement, but you give just the right detail to allow the reader to imagine the scene playing out.

I definitely felt the familiarity between Kuryama and Revan, and the kind of secret code between the two really helped get that across.

Anyway (before I bore you to death) good job.

Spud Head 

All flames? The only thing

All flames? The only thing "wrong" with my review is that it is not heaping ridiculous amounts of praise on the same things over and over again, which is in stark contrast to virtually everyone else here. Apparently I'm expected to follow some sort of unwritten rule that nobody can actually criticize anything.

Respectfully...

Rare is the comment that is more than two or three scentences long. And those that do post full reviews do not "Heap ridiculous amounts of praise on the same things over and over again" they point out what the author is doing right with the way he writes the story and the places he could improve. And if there is a review that is someone just heaping praise on a single thing alone, it is because they enjoyed it.

And in my opinion, your comment was not a review at all, it was a sardonic quipp that was not construcive at all. I am sure we would all appreciate it if you would be more courteous in your reviews in the future, we authors enjoy and respect constructive critisism, not insults.

"Respect is a funny thing, people always seem to think they deserve it, but the truth is respect is something you have to earn."

Agreement!

Exactly. Telling someone something that won't exactly help them become a better author is not exactly the reason KFM allows you to write comments. Unlike constructive criticism, which many authors welcome with open arms, we could do without the insults.


Only mindless people can hate Carth, Atton, Anakin, or the Master Chief. I am not mindless, and therefore, a fangirl.

Zalbaar swore a lifedebt to Revan. I swore a lifedebt to Jesus.

No, we wrote down the rules

This one-shot is good Lord

This one-shot is good Lord Zeuss. I am impressed; that is not easily done. The fight scene was well-paced, and the ending was intriguing. Keep up the good work.

 

"The quickest way to convince a someone to see your point of view is to let them believe they reached their own conclusions."

You write action very well;

You write action very well; you gave each padawan their own distinct personality in one scene and emphasized it in their fighting. You had a very good hook:

They came at her in a five-pointed attack. Wooden swords swung and thrusted, stabbed and chopped, all of them trying to breach the defense put up by a single opposing blade. Occasionally, someone would grunt in pain, but that someone was never the person in the center of the five attackers. They could not land a single blow that was not deflected.

Bodies were slick with the sweat of exertion; this had been going on for hours.

Immediately I wanted to know what was going on and who was who, so good job!

At first, I found Kuryama and her dialog a little more stoic and "model Jedi" than the exile in-game, but seeing as how this is before the war and her exile, I think it works and I am interested to see how your exile will change/respond to the coming events (if you plan to expand this). Also, I hope you'll consider some flashbacks or scenes illustrating the friendship between Revan and Kuryama-- I didn't see much in-game to hint at the strength/non-strength of their relationship, so I am interested to see how they became "old friends" in your story.

 Happy writing!

An Interesting Piece

Technically this story is good. The mechanics of the battle are well laid out and not lost or obscured in the story.

 That's cool, I liked it for that. I just don't understand what it is for if you get my meaning. It starts in the middle, ends at a sudden climax and really shows nothing much at all other than the basic plot.

Are you planning to add to this?

 I agree with one of the above posters. This does seem to emphasise the Exile's strengths over that of her weaknesses. The statement that she could easily beat Vrook does grate a little.

 Anyway, well written, I'd be interested to see more. 

rough around the edges

As I stated in my author's note at the beginning, this fic was simply a bit of wandering I did while trying to figure out where I wanted to take this character. In hindsight, I suppose it might have been appropriate for me to go over it with a scrutinizing eye before jumping the gun and posting it here.

As for emphasizing the Exile's strengths over weaknesses, yes, I admit, I am guilty of being a little vain. And maybe the Vrook line was going a little too far.

As to whether or not there will be more, don't count it out. I may very well want to return to this story after I am finished with Triptych (the story I eventually decided upon some time after writing this one).

Thank you for being frank but not blunt, and thanks for reviewing!

"Blame not the knife, but its wielder."

Re: the Reviews ;)

Sorry, none of my business I know, but I just wanted to say I was impressed with your maturity. As a fellow fanfic author, I know how hard it is not to fight to the death to defend your characters to the death.
Also, as part of a community dedicated to pointing out Mary Sues, I know how rare it is to find someone who is willing to deal with critisism reasonably. So *shrugs* for what it's worth, if you ever want a beta, I'm open :)

 

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Canon!Male Revan + Canon!Female Exile = OTP!

I really hate it when...

I really hate it when someone writes a wonderfull one-shot and then adds a cliffhanger (I gues it's not really a true don-don-don-don cliffhanger, but it still leaves you wanting more).  I get all the way to the end thinking the story is going to wrap up all nice and then wammo!  I really want a follow up, but it's a one-shot!  It really was great though.  Except I'm confused is the exile better than Revan and Malak combined?  Probably better than Malak, maybe Revan on a really good day, but combined?  Maybe I just read it wrong.  Otherwise great job!

nicely done, LZ!one thing

nicely done, LZ!

one thing i've noticed about your stories is that transitional passages always come off making characters seem a little stiff - kinda like a badly acted budget film :P  that sounded harsher than i meant, but i hope you get what i mean.

other than that i find your action sequences very engaging, and wish i could be as descrptive about combat. i also really like what you've done with Kury so far.

quite the contrary to whats becoming a fairly tiring recurring theme from a certain commentator, i really didn't feel much of an anti-council slant at all, especially as this is an Exile PoV story.

well done.

I'm afraid I'm not quite

I'm afraid I'm not quite sure what you mean. Thanks for the tip, though. And I'm glad you liked it!

"Blame not the knife, but its wielder."

To be posted 12 Dec 2008 on

To be posted 12 Dec 2008 on StarwarsKnights under The Critic returns and Lucasforums under the Critic’s Two Cents.

Because I find that a lot of the writing here is already what I would define as professional standard, I will tag those I liked as pick of the week. Check at StarwarsKnights for the best of the best.

PreKOTOR: The person who would eventually become the Exile on an average day.

Many have already reviewed this, and the only comment I would have that has not been addressed in the last. I believe what Mbuki.Mvuki meant was the flow was a bit off, jumping from scene to scene in a way that was not organic to the work. Nothing major, barely noticeable in fact I had to reread it to notice what was commented on.

The scenes were well done, the subject smoothly portrayed.

Pick of the Week

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