The Broken One and The Assassin Part 1

For the first time in hours, Atton Rand had the chance to stretch his back and legs. After sitting in the Ebon Hawks pilot seat working on their hyperspace routes for hours, he felt like his leg muscles had become atrophied. He yawned cavernously as he picked up his caffa pitcher. He frowned at the sight of the bottom of the pitcher, again. Sighing, he walked out of the cockpit and headed for the main hold.

The entire crew was milling around doing their various things to get ready for bed. Bao Dur was doing routine maintenance on his arm while humming What Drives The Weak Minded by The Twisted Rancor Trio. Mical was in a tan bathrobe brushing his teeth. Mandalore was next to the entrance to the garage doing chin ups using the bare pipes overhead. Mira was on the left side of the hold on an exercise mat doing...yoga?. And HK, GO-TO and T3 were trading insults regarding the legitimacy of the pastimes of their designers. Kreia and Visas were nowhere to be seen but Elanja and Brianna, judging by the sounds of clashing quarterstaff's coming from the cargo bay, were doing their evening training exercise.

Atton rubbed his eyes and yawned again as he walked over to a small sink on the side of the hold.

"Hey Atton? Do you have those hyperspace routes ready yet?" Mira asked, straightening up from her yoga pose.

"Yeah I do, finally!" He replied after he splashed cold water on his face. Reaching for a towel he dried his face off. "I'll go ask our dear ships captain when she wants the Hawk to make the jump back to Onderon." He turned and walked into the rear hallways, heading for the cargo hold. The Handmaiden and Elanja for some reason were fond of beating each other up before bed. Given it was an efficient workout as Atton knew from experience. But try as he might, he could not see the appeal of waking up sore and sometimes bruised every morning.

The smacking sound of wood hitting flesh came from the cargo hold, followed by Elanja's annoyed voice

"OW! What the farg?! You're cheating! Admit it!"

"I am not!"

"You are so! I knew I shouldn't have trained you in Knight Speed!"

Atton poked his head through the doorway. He saw (with a not so small twinge of disappointment) that Elanja and Brianna were still garbed in their night clothes. Instead of their usual lingerie.

Elanja noticed Atton watching her and turned her head to face him.

"Hey Atton, do you have those hyperspace routes ready yet?" she asked, unwittingly parroting Mira. She turned back to Brianna and dropped back into a fighting stance.

"Yeah. When do you want to make the jump El?"

"We'll make the jump after we get a few decent hours of sleep Atton." She attacked Brianna again. Her quarterstaff whirled in a vicious flurry. Brianna blocked and retaliated with a swift undercut. Elanja did a quick flip over Brianna to avoid the undercut. But the Handmaiden anticipated this move and swung around delivering a uppercut that connected with Elanja's shoulder, tearing the thin fabric of her nightclothes. Elanja staggered back, wincing. Her sleeve was torn for about a foot down her left arm leaving her shoulder bare. That was going to leave a bruise

"I think that is enough for tonight," Brianna said, putting her quarterstaff back on the rack with the spare quarterstaves. Elanja grimaced and but her staff on the rack as well.

Atton stared at her pale shoulder, admiring the fine muscle tone. But he also noticed a jagged scar on her upper arm as well. Elanja turned around, drying the sweat off her face and putting her long length hair back down her back. The scar was copied on the other side; apparently something had impaled her arm. She noticed Atton looking at her arm and put the loose flap of gray fabric back in place.

"Uh...how did that happen?" Atton gestured at her arm.

"You mean the scar?"

Atton nodded. Elanja cast her eyes down to the floor, buried memories bubbling back up to the surface.

"Its a long story. And I'm not a very good storyteller..."

"I'd like to hear it anyway," Atton encouraged.

"But I-"

"I would like to hear it as well," seconded Brianna.

Elanja sighed. "You might want to sit down for this." She pulled up a small stool and sat down on it, Atton sat on some cargo crates and Brianna just situated herself comfortably one the floor on the floor.

"This is going to take a while." Elanja said as she began her tale of pain, woe and memory....


Six years ago...

The harsh buzz of Elanja's chronometer woke her from another night's sleep. Groggily she hit the reset button. She sat up on her small bunk on board her small passenger freighter the Grey Zephyr. She looked at what the green display on the chronometer said: 09:32. The ships pilot, Vihn, had insisted on her taking another two hours of sleep after they did an under-the-table scavenging job.

The job had not gone to well. Their boss had decided that he didn't want to split the profits and tried to "cut them out" of the deal. Elanja's skill with a blaster had got them out of that situation and had got them their credits.

Yawning, she rose up and walked across the room into the refresher. It was very spartan with only the bare essentials: a toilet, a sink and a tiny shower stall in the back. All the same slightly tarnished gray steel. She turned on the water and started removing her nightclothes.

She stepped naked into the flow of water and let it start washing away her drowsiness and soreness. She took some cleaner from a short tube near the faucet and scrubbed it into her hair hard. Bowing her head the water washed the dirt and dust that had collected in her hair in the last two days. She massaged her slightly aching arms and legs. She let the water wash over her for another five minutes before turning off the flow. She stepped out of the stall and grabbed the towel on the wall and began drying herself off. Turning towards the sink she twisted the knob for the cold water. She cupped her hands under the flow of water and splashed it on her face, fully waking her up.

She looked up at her reflection in the mirror. Her coffee colored hair that had once flowed all the way down her back was now cropped short. Her large teal eyes that had once sparkled with inner light were now dull and reflective. Her skin tone was paler than a normal human, signifying prolonged time on starships. There was no trace of the Jedi she used to be.

"This is who I am because I chose who I am," she told herself. Satisfied, she dried her face off.

She opened the door and walked back out into her room. She opened her drawers and started putting on her simple clothing. A soft undershirt followed by a leather vest sporting a small and thin bandoleer of the same material. The pants where similar with plenty of pockets to store spare computer spikes in and she had a belt with spare baster cartridges, a wallet and a blaster holster. The outfit was topped off with a dusty brown trench coat that fit loosely on her lithe form.

She stepped into the hallway as they dropped out of hyperspace. She walked through the empty hallways up to the bridge. The pilot and owner of the Zephyr Vihn Caouso was already up in the pilots seat guiding the ship towards a brown and green planet. Vihn heard her and turned to face her.

"Well well well! the elite commando graces us with 'er elite and commando-y presence!" Vihn deadpanned in his southern Alderannian accent. He had dirty blond hair with bushy eye brows and dark brown hair. He had a thin beard on his cleft chin that he was constantly scratching. His flattish nose completed his colonist look.

Elanja grinned at him. "Vihn you should know by now that I have absolutely no sense of humor at all." She slid into the co-pilots seat. "Where are we touching down this time, Vihn?"

"Chan 'Yui. It's a trading post for this sector. We should be able to pick up some passengers and maybe some more crew..."

Elanja winced slightly. "Vihn, I know I am a guest on your ship and you can kick me off any time you want but..."

Vihn sighed. "El.. Ah' know how you feel about crowds, but that hyper-drive back there is sounding worse every day and if we don't get a mechanic it'll probably fail."

Elanja stared at the ceiling. She knew he was right, she had checked the engine herself and it was on the verge of literally falling apart. But the reason she had got on a small ship like this was to avoid being around others. Vihn was an exception because it was his ship and she didn't have nearly enough credits to buy her own. She sighed inwardly in resignation then focused back on the screens in front of her.

The Zephyr glided down to the Chan' Yui spaceport.


Port Habamku was a dusty city on the equator of Chan' Yui and it was certainly bustling. The variety of ships ranged from passenger freighters like the Zephyr to huge cargo carriers unloading tons of food and other produce. Despite its less shabby looks, Habamku was surprisingly well policed. It had become a respected port for honest traders and spacers in general. No one took notice of just one more ship touching down on its multitude of landing pads. With a clunk, the magnetic clamps on a large crane gripped the Zephyr and deposited it on its landing pad.

Elanja strode down the loading ramp and Vihn swaggered down a few feet behind her.

Two docking officers approached Vihn. He hade to register his ship on the docking computer system. Elanja took this opportunity to survey her surroundings. She was forced to squint her eyes from the bright rays of light from the systems star. She took in the city around her. The buildings around her were a soft tan like the hard ground beneath her feet. Merchants in slow moving speeders roamed around the city. The populace was mixed with no determinable dominant species; one could see an Ithorian here and a Deveronian there but than turn around and see a group of Gand roaming the streets.

Vihn returned from speaking with the pair docking officers. He tossed a pouch of credit chips to Elanja.

"Ah' noticed were gettin low on on food, see if you can git some more from the port's bazaar." He ordered, pointing his thumb in the direction of the inner city.

"Right-o," she replied. Turning around, she waded into the crowds and buildings of Port Habamku.


Zale Vekotahn was summoned.

They had sent for him. Him! Not Morkando, not Jaq Rand, they had chosen him.

He strode purposefully down the dim inner hallways of the Korriban academy. His dark violet eyes never rested in one place for to long. He had short black hair and a tattoo that ran over his eye and halfway down his face. His nose was slightly crooked like some cruel predatory birds beak. A thin goatee adorned his chin.

Long had he strove to chosen be the one to hunt and kill. Long had he tried to gain the Assassin Masters' attention. For a long time he had been ignored and outshone by his competitors. But this was his chance to prove that he would serve the Sith with all his soul and kill with all his rage.

The ribbed walls and ceiling around him cast deep shadows along their lengths. The shadows also hid guards that watched Zale's every step. But Zale knew they were there. He felt a dozen dark eyes boring into him, ready to strike out and kill at a moments notice. He approached a tall obsidian black door.

This was the Chamber of the Assassin Masters.

He came abreast to its dully reflective surface and ran his hand down its middle, pushing slightly. It opened inward revealing a dark room with an island of orange torchlight with a small semi circle of black-robed figures on the edge of it. Slowly he approached and knelt before his masters. The waves of dark side energy streaming from them washed over Zale. The very walls around them sent the waves of darkness crashing back towards him, filling his mind with a black ecstasy.

"You know why you are here, do you not?" said one. His voice sounded like it was sucking air into his mouth instead of expelling it.

"I do master. You wish to give me a chance to serve you," he replied calmly.

"Is that so?" said another, turning to the others. "This one has little experience in the hunt."

"Indeed. But this it is how the weak are weeded from the strong."

"I promise you, Masters, I am among the strong," Zale assured them.

"He did succeed in eliminating three Jedi Knights without the use of a lightsabre," another put in.

"That is true. Show us your tools for the hunt," the second one ordered.

Zale obliged and pulled out two scythe shaped knives. Ancient Sith writing decorated the spine of the blades, and they had a single blood red jewel on the end.

"These blades have ended a dozen Jedi and many more Republic soldiers Masters. And I swear that if you deign to allow me to take up this hunt I will end another," Zale swore firmly.

The masters looked at another and traded nods of approval.

"Zale Vekotahn, Do you swear to hunt to the best of your ability and kill without hesitation or mercy?"

"I do."

"Do you swear to follow the Sith teachings without question and destroy those who would doubt them?"

"I do"

"So be it."

"Rise, Zale Vekotahn. Rise an Assassin of the Sith Empire," they intoned in unison.

Zale's heart was soaring higher at each of the masters words. He rose from his knees and raised his head to look upon their faces. Finally he had taken his rightful place among the strong and the lethal.

"Who would you send me after, Masters?" he asked, silently begging to be set on the hunt.

"Someone who you will surely hunt with utter conviction and with no mercy," the first one said. "She served under Lord Revan in the Mandalorian Wars, General Elanja Alkovai."

Zale's brow furrowed with pent up anger and grief. She was the reason his home world Malachor V was gone along with everyone he had ever knew as a child. She was the one who had caused him a life of pain and fear.

"We sense your anger, Zale. Let that rage fuel your hunt to find her."

"I shall make her suffer before she dies, Masters," Zale swore, the furnace of anger that was his soul was burning brightly.

The first master nodded his head with approval.

"Go now and hunt her down Assassin."

Zale turned and strode from the chambers. The doors closed behind him. He had many preparations to make.

He had prey.


Author's Note: Constructive criticism (I know you've got it) is always welcome from storytellers much more skilled than I am.

Special Thanks: My sister and Lord Zeuss for helping me correct my errors in this story

PS: the J in Elanja is pronounced like a y.

Hello?

(Sighs) You know guys...and girls... it really motivates me a lot better when I know how people like my stuff.

Don't be aggravated

People will respond when they feel like it. Just because no one has left a comment doesn't necessarily they don't like your work. :)

Zeuss is right... this is great!

Lord Zeuss is right. Most of my fics don't have any comments. =) Besides, this was only submitted today. Not everyone can get on KFM all the time, but we try to get as much time in as we can! But on the positive side, I liked it. This looks like it's gonna be an awesome fic and I can't wait for the next one


Only mindless people can hate Carth, Atton, Anakin, or the Master Chief. I am not mindless, and therefore, a fangirl.

Zalbaar swore a lifedebt to Revan. I swore a lifedebt to Jesus.

Potentially interesting mortal!

This story seems very interesting.  I look forward to the next one.

Name Problems

Was anyone confused at first with my Exiles name?

To whom it may concern

Sorry for the wait my... three... loyal fans. Part 2 should be coming out soon 

"Without shadow, the light would blind and burn all"

Hey Triple!

Triple,

Interesting that you set this story before bed—I like that your characters have their own routines and eccentricities. Brianna and Elanja’s duel before bedtime is a certainly nice detail that speaks a lot about a driven but productive relationship between the two combative, competative women, and also makes the characters distinctive in a way that I’ve see few beginning writers accomplish. You have a good mix of physical action and reflection, which makes even the small movements, exchanges, and internal thoughts come to life dynamically. Life is never still, and the little details of your writing reflect that.

In fact, characterization is what really drives the heart of this piece, and even your original characters can be engaging and inventive. The detail about how Zale Vekotahn’s “eyes never rested in one place for to long,” for instance, really conveys a lot about what kind of person this assassin is. More so than the rest of the paragraph about his violet eyes and hanging hair, which are overdone descriptions, and run the risk of becoming too much John Stu material. Despite that, I think your depictions of Zale’s darkness and anger had its original moments which redeem him from truly becoming a cliché. I particularly like the vulnerability as well as hope and determination embodied here: “But this was his chance to prove that he would serve the Sith with all his soul and kill with all his rage.” Which is a fun sentence, not only because it reveals Zale’s agenda, but also because it implies a complexity in his motivations. Although driven to kill in hate, he is nevertheless eager to please and impress his trainers, like a pet, or a child. Of course, then you bring in the complication of his homeworld, Malachor V, and the plot thickens. Very nice ending line there, too, in the simple statement, “He had prey.”

Speaking of voice, I found the narrative voice change between the sections pretty effective in really establishing the difference between the worlds of the two characters, Elanja and Zale. Even though the setup implies that the story would be told through Elanja’s poit of view, I didn’t find it disruptive that Elanja doesn’t tell the story in her own voice. Instead, you have the omniscient narrator travel back in time to retell the full story, which works for me. It helps to establish the contrast between the peaceful, routine world of nighttime ritual and controlled combat that Elanja lives in now, versus the dark, forboding, and brutal time period of Zale. Much of this, I think, is created through good word choice and paragraph structures. Elanja’s sections contain far more long, cohesive sentences while as Zale’s section is full of short, brusque sentences and one or two sentence paragraphs. This may or may not have been a deliberate technique on your part, but it is very effective.

Even more fun, the first segment of the entire story is actually being told from a close third person point of view following Atton, which I think adds another fun structural twist to the telling of this story. Atton himself is mentioned in Zale’s section (complicating the lines between who will be involved in this tale), but more than that, Atton is probably also representative of the opposite of what Zale himself is: a reformed Assassin. I’ll be interested in seeing if you might play with the concepts of good and darkness, hate and redemption in the background of the story with these two characters.

I think you’ve doing very well here with this fic, and I have only one suggestion for now: re-read your paragraphs out loud to yourself before publishing. There are instances of awkward sentence constructions and issues with the flow of voice that would be really easy to point out to you in person, but too time consuming to do online. If you read each chapter out loud to yourself before you publish it, however, I think you’ll readily "hear" where these problematic points are so you can fix them.

You’re doing really great for starters, and I think you have a promising writing career if you stick to it. Additionally, if you really want feedback from a person, you can also ask for a Beta reader on the forums or apply for help from a Beta volunteer.

All the best,
Free


Stop drinking the detergent, Caboose!

Thanks for the review! I

Thanks for the review! I look forward to your next one.

 

"Without shadow, the light would blind and burn all"

Tucker, quit letting Caboose drink from the detergent bottle, that's not helping.

Done

Posted, please see the revision above. 

~Free

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.