Healing the Force Chapter 38 A Heart Laid Bare

Carth jerked awake, listening in the darkness, wondering if the moan he heard was real or a dream.  Shaking it off, he closed his eyes only to have them pop open at the point between sleep and awareness.  This time he leaned up on one elbow and looked at the door, had he heard a thud?  The next sound, like a crash of furniture, had him throwing back the sheet, jumping from bed, and grabbing a pair of drawstring shorts.  When he turned on the living area light, he found Jaden on her hands and knees beside the front of the couch, the small rectangular table tipped at an odd angle across her back as if she placed her hand on the corner before it flipped. 

She’d been asleep on the couch when he returned to his quarters and saw no reason to wake her.  They both needed a good nights sleep since it was time for their long overdue talk and he intended to have all his questions answered.  Including why the droids were treating him like a pariah.  T3 had given him the cold shoulder, turning away from him when he asked about Jaden.  And HK?  Well, he was ready to follow through on the threat he made to the droid when HK tried to bar him from his own quarters; Carth threatened to disembowel the droid, one wire at a time while he was still active.  Thinking on it now, as he rounded the couch, the assassin droid would probably enjoy it. 

When Carth lifted away the table Jaden cringed away from him and began mewling in the back of her throat.  “Come on,” he said reaching for her and found his hand slapped away.  “Jaden . . .”

“Leave me alone,” she whimpered, striking at him again.  Forgive me!

“Damn it!”

“I’ll replace the table,” she snapped.  I never meant to hurt you!

“I don’t care about the damn table,” he growled, reaching for her again.

Jaden reared back and scooted away from him.  Her eyes were filled with tears, her face flushed, and she was shivering.  Please don’t hate me.

“What happened?”  He asked realizing strong-arming her wasn’t the answer.  “Was it another nightmare?”  He needed to remain calm and keep his anger in check.

Jaden shook her head, keeping her eyes on his hands.  “Just leave me alone.”  Let my heart die a quiet death.

“Tell me what is going on.”

“Nothing,” she barked.  “Go back to bed, Admiral.”  But take me with you; love me as you have in the past.  One last time, let your arms be my shelter, your touch the means that makes my blood sing, your whispered words of love the last I remember when I die.

“No.”  This time he was quicker and grabbed her arm, but she still took a shot at him with her free hand, catching him in the corner of his left eye.  He turned his head away, sucking back the pain through his teeth as they wrestled for a few minutes before he was able to capture her in a way so she couldn’t hit or kick him.

“Let me go,” she growled.  Hold me closer.

“Not until you calm down and tell me what’s wrong,” he said resting his cheek against her hair.

“What the hell do you care?  You won’t believe me, you’re not big on trust, remember,” she stammered as she struggled against him . . . and all because of me!

Sighing, he lessened his hold.  “I’m sorry.  The things I said to you were hateful and I knew that even as I said them.” Carth absently rubbed her back.  “I didn’t realize what restraining you would do and I’m sorry, truly sorry for my words and actions,” he added softly.

Jaden didn’t look at him, kept her head down not bothering to wipe away the tears as they dripped from her nose.  “You hurt me, Admiral.  Because of what I am, I will never know the joys and heartache of having my own family, so for you to accuse me of abandoning Dustil, and using you,” she sniffed.  “Well, you made it perfectly clear that you believe my feelings mean less than nothing; that I mean less than nothing.”  Her ragged whisper tore at him.

“I was . . . am angry that you and the others kept me from getting to Tuluk.  I needed that,” he said as he let her go, sitting on the floor to lean against the couch.  Jaden bent her legs to her chest and hugged them as she rested her forehead on her knees.

He went on, “Then hearing of Bastila’s betrayal and thinking of Dustil’s injuries because of that, I wanted her dead.  But, there you were riding in to save the day.  You killed Tuluk and you kept me from,” he looked across the room as he swallowed.  “You did all of that, but there lay Dustil, still as death, not responding.  It felt like you had abandoned him . . . and me.  You got vengeance for your betrayal, so no need to pay attention to Carth and his feelings.”

“You shut me out!”  Cast me aside with your unconscious cruelty.

“I didn’t know what restraining you would do.”  The anger was there in his eyes, but also a plea for understanding.

“When you learned what Bastila had done, you threw up those barriers, that even after all these years, I couldn’t get passed,” she whispered looking at him.  You were lost to me.

Carth inwardly cringed when he saw the misery in her eyes.  “What are you talking about?”

“Almost twelve years ago, I sat at the top of the tallest tower at the temple and watched Admiral Karath position his fleet around Telos,” she told him then looked away, her features clouding over with sorrow.  “I knew what Malak was planning, but the Admiral had always been faithful to the Republic.  When I looked into his heart, I was saddened to see it blackened, like a cancer, growing, and feeding, hungry for power.  There was no hesitation when Malak gave the order to destroy the planet, but an almost child-like glee that he had been given permission to have a cookie.

I couldn’t stop it any more than I can keep a sun from rising, so I sat there and watched hell-fire rain from the sky, igniting the landscape and boiling the oceans.  I could smell the metallic odor of molten metal, mingled with the coppery scent of blood and the reeking stench of burnt and charred flesh.

I knew the Republic would be to late, I could see their frantic rush to reach Telos, but by the time they would arrive it would be finished.  All I could do at that point was welcome those that were returned to the Force, promising them peace now that the pain was over.”

The mesmerizing tone of her voice brought back the vivid images he relived for months afterwards, but they were accompanied by acute pain.  He reached out to take her hand, but Jaden leaned away from him before going on in a quiet, saddened voice.

“For hours, I sat there listening to the cries for help, knowing it would come too late, and that I couldn’t do anything.  The pleas for death, the agony of those looking for someone, the screams of anguish when they were found dead or burned so badly a blaster bolt to the head was the only mercy left to them.  The screams of terror as the rumbling of collapsing buildings quickly silenced the outcry.  The agony, torment, and grief of one voice that rose above the cacophony of a dying planet.  Its suffering and mourning were as sharp as a razors edge; the bitterness and sense of betrayal was a living, breathing beast.

For weeks, I stayed with the voice trying to provide it comfort in its darkest hours and as time went on the bitterness and betrayal were manifested into mistrust, but at least the voice no longer thought about silencing itself.  It had found a new purpose and although it saddened me, I knew the voice would survive.”  She swiped at her eyes as she took a shaky breath. 

“Over the months and years, the voice was never far from me and when I saw it slipping toward despair, I would reach out to offer my silent support.  It found its revenge, only to be betrayed again, literally moments later.  It took a step toward redemption for a perceived failure when it found something lost.  It even took a chance on love once more.”  Jaden looked at Carth and found him with his eyes closed, his fingers steepled over his nose, his breathing ragged.

“For years I tried to heal the damage the Force had caused the voice.  It didn’t deserve the agony and the treachery it suffered, because at its heart it was good, steadfast, honorable, and loving.”  She reached out and moved his hands while turning his head toward her.  When he opened his eyes, they were ravaged.  Jaden went on, speaking softly, “I never knew who the voice was until I restored your life.  Once I recognized you, Morgana’s pleas made more sense to me, and meeting Dustil, well now I had the answer as to how to heal a voice I had felt so close to and protected for years.”  I thought I had found the means for my redemption.

“On Korriban, however, I had to set aside the voice so I could protect it and all it held dear, but when it learned of its latest betrayal it began to methodically rebuild every barrier I had removed over the years, reopen every wound, every scar I had healed.” Or thought I had.  “It pulled its bitterness and anger around itself like a cloak on a frigid day.  I tried to reach the voice but I couldn’t get passed the barriers.  When they did finally crumble all I found was emptiness,” she said searching his eyes.  And once again, I realized I had failed.

Carth didn’t know what to say.  He did feel empty inside and it terrified him.  To learn Jaden had been with him all these years, comforting and watching out for him, made him feel even worse when he remembered what he said to her in the med-bay.  He should feel violated, that somehow, Jaden had manipulated him, but he couldn’t bring the emotion forward.  She had saved him.

~~ Now do you understand, Admiral? ~~

~~ Yes . . . No. ~~

~~ She wept the night she heard the voice, panicked when it went silent for a time before she found it again.  This one event is the cause of her guilt. ~~

~~ But there have been other wars, other tragedies she couldn’t prevent. ~~

~~ This is true, but there was never a voice that touched her as yours did. ~~

Panic raced through him.  ~~ Did? ~~  He was reluctantly afraid of what the past tense of the word may mean.  To lose her now . . . “How do I fix this,” he whispered, frantically searching her face for an answer.

“I don’t know, Admiral.”  Jaden told him as she turned away.  “Perhaps this is for the best.”  My punishment for my arrogance in thinking I could right a wrong.

“NO!”  The one word was sharp and emphatic.

Jaden stood, needing to move away from him.  Her own pain, mingled with his emptiness threatened to overwhelm her.  She desperately wanted to take him in her arms, to give him comfort as she had for so many years, but she realized she could no longer do it.  I was a fool to think I ever could.

~~ Child? ~~

~~ Do you remember when I brought you that baby bird that had fallen from its nest?  I was distraught that it wouldn’t move and I tried to heal it.  Do you remember what you told me? ~~

~~ Sometimes things can’t be healed. ~~

Jaden stopped at the door to the bedroom and turned to Carth.  “Zared found the second key.  I’ll take the droids, Atton, and Canderous with me.  You’ll need to alert the military to watch for Zared’s fleet and when you reach Coruscant, Visas can help the Jedi prepare.”

Carth gave no indication he heard her except to close his eyes when the door control chimed it was locked.