Mical's Awakening

I am Mical Aurain 

The Jedi found me in an orphanage on Alderon. Aurain in not my family name, I have no family. As with all orphans I was not given a surname, and my name was randomly drawn out of a database of names. The Jedi who found me said that I had an aura in me of great things to come, hence my surname. So far, at the age of twenty-five, I haven’t seen any of it. 

I sit in the cockpit of a small single-seated fighter, watching the tunnel of hyperspace. Grieving the loss of my friend, mourning the futility of my wasted love. As I stare out into the infinite blackness, I remember back to the day it all began. 

- 

I was twelve years old again, and as the lesson came to an end, Master Torin called clan Tach together, and said “Younglings, as I’m sure you know the Mandalorians have begun their invasion of the Republic. The mid-rim defenses are failing, and soon even the core planets will be threatened. I’m sure that you’ve heard that the council has forbidden any Jedi from taking part in the Republic’s defense.” 

“Old fools,” muttered the pretty nine-year-old girl with long curly red-brown hair who stood behind me. I nodded in agreement. 

“What was that, Mical?” said Knight Torin kindly.

I blushed and stared at the floor. She was looking at me! I shuffled my feet nervously as I searched for something intelligent to say. “Master, but won’t a lot of people die if we -the Jedi- don’t help?” I managed to stammer, shooting up a quick glance. We had been taught that all life, no matter how insignificant or ugly, was part of the Force and therefore worth protecting. She was still looking at me; I dropped head down guiltily. 

“Yes they will,” she said sadly. 

“Then why won’t they do something!” I blurted out angrily, staring at her. I could feel a stir among my clan, and then it hit me, I had given in to anger. It faded as quickly as it had begun, I felt embarrassed at my foolish outburst. Giving in to base emotions is extremely shameful amongst aspiring Jedi. It was even worst since she was there; she had seen it all. I suddenly began to wish that I were invisible.

“Many reasons,” she said sadly, not even telling me off for my outburst, “The dark side is far stronger than it ever was before, even stronger than during the Sith war, it clouds our vision.” At this revelation, all the younglings in my clan looked stunned, some of them started muttering to each other. She continued, “Some in the council refuse to act without knowing what the future holds, others suspect there may be Sith involvement.”  There was a yelp of fright from the girl behind me, and a general reaction from all the others. I could not control the shivers that ran down my spine. We had all been brought up on stories of the Sith atrocities during the war, nothing was scarier than mention of a Sith. “There are even fears that the Jedi may be turned to the dark side by the coming conflict,” Knight Torin continued, ignoring our reactions, “For these reasons, and others, the council is in full agreement, the Jedi should take no part in the war.” 

“But you will,” I said confidently “You’ll join Revan, and defend the Republic!” In my twelve-year-old mind, there was no way my hero could possibly fail to do the right thing, and she did not disappoint. 

“Yes Mical, I will,” she said softly. At that moment, I fell in love with her, utterly and completely. I started to clap, the girl behind me joined in, and soon the entire clan was applauding. When we had settled down, she explained to us that this meant that she would not be taking us for many more lessons; this one may have been the last as she could be leaving at any time. 

It was the first lesson she had taken us for, taking over from tired old Master Glis-Dai. He had gone to the Force last night. We had spent nearly the whole day learning how to hear the Force sing in others. Despite being nearly thirteen, today was the first day I had felt anything. I blamed Master Glis-Dai for my failures. I wasn’t the only one who had only just begun to feel anything; five others in the class had also felt the Force for the first time, including the curly-haired girl.  I was ecstatic, now I could be accepted as a padawan learner to a Jedi knight or master and not be shunted aside to the Jedi service corps, or made to leave the order entirely. But now that I had met her, I knew the only one I wanted to be my master was Knight Torin. Although I was glad she was going to support the war effort, at the same time I wasn’t. We would soon get another teacher who wasn’t as talented, or nearly as gorgeous. And I would most likely never see her again. 

Classes were over for the day; the sun was going down over the rolling hills of Dantooine. I shielded my eyes against the glare, the others were moving away towards their dormitories in the lower levels of the Jedi enclave. Knight Torin was striding away as well, an unreadable expression on her face. Summoning up my courage, I hurried after her. If she was going soon, I had to ask her now. I had to become her padawan, even if it meant leaving behind all that I was familiar with and going off to war. 

Before I reached her though, she walked up to another Jedi knight. After speaking to him briefly they both moved off into the fields. I knew who it was, even though I had never been introduced to him, who didn’t? Revan. Like me he was an orphan. He was also a prodigy and one of the most powerful Jedi in the order, even though he wasn’t yet twenty. He was the one leading the rebel Jedi to support the Republic’s defense. Us younglings had been told to stay well away from him; he was supposed to be a terrible influence.  

I followed them at a distance, studying them. I didn’t know for certain why I followed them. I should have simply waited for them to return. It may have been simple curiosity; it may have been something more. Revan was tall and broad shouldered, well muscled and yet very lean. His dark hair flowed behind him with a grace few enough women could mimic. He was probably extremely attractive to them too, with his strong features and piercing blue eyes. Suddenly I hated him, walking side by side with the woman I loved, talking to her easily. I knew that I could never compete with a man like Revan. 

I skirted between the edges of the cliffs, keeping out of sight as I followed them. The sun was setting, casting radiant orange and red light across the sky. Sunsets came and went rapidly on Dantooine, there were only ever a few minutes to enjoy them in. On any other day I might have paused to enjoy its splendor, today I did not. A Kath hound barked as I moved to another hiding place, fortunately neither Revan or Knight Torin looked back. In later years those same Kath hounds would become dangerous, corrupted by the dark side of the Force, but at this time they were little more than a minor nuisance. They might chew up your boots if you were foolish enough to leave them outside. 

Revan and Knight Torin stopped in a meditation grove just past the Matale estates. Square stone slabs adorning the floor, although they were irregularly placed, not fitting together. At some point it must have had a roof, for there were broken pillars around the slabs. I sneaked behind one of them to listen to what they were saying. 

Apparently Knight Torin’s decision to join the war effort was quite recent. “So what made you change your mind, Jezebel?” Revan was asking. Jezebel, silently I let the name flow like cream through my lips. Jezebel, it was beautiful. 

“Please Revan, call me Jez. I dare say we’ll be seeing enough of each other to merit familiarity.” She brushed off his amused apology and continued, “Did you hear what the council did to Master Sunrider?” During our class, Jezebel had mentioned offhand that she had been Master Sunrider’s padawan learner before she had reached the rank of Jedi Knight, a fact that had caused nearly as much of a stir as her mention of the Sith. Nomi Sunrider was one of the legendary Jedi of the Sith war, and the head of the Jedi council.  

Revan revealed that he had not, and Jezebel told him “I only know because of our relationship, but the Jedi council is keeping it hushed up. My old master advocated the Jedi order doing everything they could to defend the Republic. She swayed quite a few of them, but the Lamar brothers shouted her down, while the few that agreed with her kept silent. The killer blow came when Master Vandar sided with them.”

“So what did they do to her?” said Revan. 

“They put her into forced retirement on Katarr, where she can scout for potential recruits for the Jedi order without spreading ‘dangerous idea’s’.” She grabbed the front of Revan’s robes, “They took Vima, Revan, Vima! She never did anything to them, and they sent her into exile in all but name just because they did not agree with her mother.” I watched in amazement from my hiding place as tears began to spill down her cheeks. 

“Force,” Revan swore “They’ll be coming for you next Jez.” He pulled her into a rough embrace; I felt another surge of jealousy. But my shock was even stronger, how could the council do that to Nomi. How could the council do that to anybody! 

“She was like an older sister to me, Revan,” sobbed Jezebel, her white hair spilling over his shoulders “and now she’s gone, she’ll never get off Katarr.” 

“Shhh, you’ll be able to visit her I’m sure,” Revan soothed her. 

“NO, the council forbade me from visiting her, and they have placed personal at key area’s to stop any other Jedi from consulting with her. For all intents and purposes, they’ve been imprisoned.” 

I ducked behind the stone again as they broke apart. From what little I knew about Katarr, with its modest trade and few ships making the trip there, it would be very easy to monitor the light shipping and preventing any unwanted people from entering or leaving. Nomi and Vima would be incredibly out of place there, the only humans among millions of Miraluka. 

“The council have never acted in such a fashion before. I fear the dark side reaches further than they have realized,” said Revan. 

“They have given into fear,” agreed Jezebel “their actions prove that they are falling from the light.” 

“And those who stand with us face exile,” Revan sighed, I raised my head slightly to watch him while he spoke, “I will have to challenge them, but it will take some time. The Republic has no time. The Mandalorians will have to be dealt with first, the council will have to wait.” 

“And I’m coming with you!” said Jezebel fearlessly. 

“Are you sure about this,” said Revan cautiously, “From what I know of you, you form Force bonds with other people without intending to, and too fast for your own good. There’s no telling what war could do to you. And who knows what sentence the council could give you.” 

I ducked behind the low wall again. Was that the reason why I felt the way I did, a Force bond? No, I told myself, it was love; true love. 

“I’m four years older than you, Revan,” Jezebel laughed, I could hear the edge of hysteria in her voice “If anything I should be the one cautioning you!” 

“I’m serious Jez, it could tear you apart.” 

For a moment she seemed to waver. Give in I willed then you can be my master. I found I did not care about defending the Republic as much as being with her. Then her jaw set and she shook her head “I’m going Revan, even if I have to stow away on your ship.” 

Revan gave a short laugh, although I could tell he was not truly amused. “Then get your gear together and get some sleep, we leave before dawn.” 

At that point, footsteps alerted me. I slid behind some rocks and bushes, managing to conceal myself in just time for when they moved past me. After they had gone, I did a slow count of sixty, got bored of it at twenty and stood up. I was examining the darkening sky and digesting the information when Revan called out to me. 

“Come here boy, let me take a look at you.” 

I froze; Revan had not left the glade, I was in such deep trouble! With erratic steps I moved out of my hiding place and into the glade. 

Revan smiled, “You’re one of the younglings at the academy. What is your name?” 

I shrugged, and attempted a spacer’s swagger as I said, with confidence I did not feel, “They call me Mical.” 

Revan threw back his head and laughed, a rich, full-throated sound, “They call you Mical! Well Mical, why did you feel the urge to follow me and Knight Torin here?” His face was intent and serious now, his eyes searching me. 

I knew from experience that it was worse than foolishness to lie to a Jedi, so I told him the truth; part of it anyway, “I wanted to ask her if I could become her padawan.” 

He nodded, “A good reason, still I sense there is more to this than you are telling me,” he shrugged it off, to my great relief. 

Unable to contain my curiosity, I blurted out, “Master Revan, how did you know I was here?” Even when I had stood up, the one of the pillars had still concealed me. 

“You’re studying how to use the Force,” he said, not really a question but I nodded just the same, “Well, I could sense you following us since we left the outskirts of the academy. Even if I hadn’t, I would have still seen you, bobbing up and down like a ysalamiri in mating season.” 

I flushed at the description, “Then how come Jez…Knight Torin did not sense me?” I said, blushing again at my slip. 

“She’s gone through a lot recently,” Revan explained “that can effect your powers of concentration, and through it your control of the Force.” 

“Why didn’t you call me out earlier?” I asked carefully. Most people did not like being eavesdropped on, and Revan had allowed me to hear their entire conversation. 

“I thought about it,” he said “but since you chose to follow us I decided that the Force must have had some special reason for wanting you to hear.” 

That nearly blew me away. The Force had wanted me to hear that, I was part of the will of the Force! I stood wide-eyed and stupefied for nearly a minute before Revan broke my shock. 

“Its getting dark, you’d better get some supper, and I’ve got an early start tomorrow,” he said, starting a slow walk back to the academy. After a moment I joined him, we spoke all the way back to the academy about the coming war. He told me about the massacre at Cathar, and how that had affected him. The sheer numbers of fatalities astounded me, how could the Republic have failed to defend the outer-rim worlds? They were paying the price in full now, with far more powerful Mandalorian fleets on their doorstep than there would have been had they acted sooner.

Revan had hoped to get a battle-mediator on their side, as it would greatly have decreased their casualties. However with Vima and Nomi incapacitated, the only other Jedi who knew the powerful Battle Meditation technique was a seventeen year-old girl called Bastila Shan. She had been Vima’s padawan before her master’s exile, now she would be moved to another master. She held to the rules to the letter, and had refused point-blank to join the war effort. Revan hoped that with what had been done to her master she would change her mind. By the way he spoke about her I got the distinct impression that he had an interest in her that extended far further than just her abilities. 

Our conversation shifted to Knight Torin, Jezebel, as we came in sight of the academy. Revan felt that she would be vital in the war effort, her ability to create bonds more effective although on a far smaller scale, than Battle Meditation. He worried though at what so much death would do to her, I was proud of her but I worried too. At my request, Revan promised not to reveal to Jezebel that I had eavesdropped on them. She never found out. 

He took me to the canteen; the service staff were quite put out to be serving someone else after hours, when they were busy clearing up. Revan explained that he had been talking to me. He said that the fault was his; not mine that I late, so I didn’t get into trouble. He left me there, not bothering to eat himself. But before he left he leaned down and gave me a piece of advice. 

“This war is going to be ugly Mical, uglier perhaps than any other the galaxy has ever seen. Forget about Knight Torin; find yourself another master. She wouldn’t be good for you anyway.” 

How true his last words would prove to be. At the time, of course, I didn’t believe him at all. I picked at my food, eating without tasting. I could not sleep that night; too many things were running through my mind. It was like I had been blind, now my eyes were opened. To a galaxy where what Jedi did not necessarily follow the light; where there wasn’t always a right way, only a choice between evils; and where being brave and doing the right thing could cost you your life, while being a tyrant could land you with more than you could ever want or need. 

- 

My ship started shaking slightly, breaking my thought pattern. Rising from my stupor, I punch in a few adjustments, and the fighter flies smoothly through hyperspace again. Again I slip into melancholy as I watch the stars shoot by. 

Revan had been right; when I met Jezebel again many years later she was…changed. My wishes were fulfilled at last; she took me as her padawan. But instead of training me as a Jedi, she taught me the ways of the Sith. Leading me down the dark path, turning me into a mockery of everything I had ever believed in.

 Bao-Dur, one of my crewmates, had been able to resist the seductive voice of Jezebel. He had helped me to see what I was becoming. And with his help, I broke my bond to her, a bond that had endured most of my life. He freed me, and with his help I fled from her. He fell as we fled, saving my life. I carry his lightsaber as tribute to him. I will never forget what he did for me. 

And yet, even now, my thoughts turn back to her. 

Somehow, my loss will make the galaxy a better place.