Healing the Force Chapter 35 Plans and Punishment

What is happening to me?  The sensation of endlessly falling was making her ill.  It felt like a fathomless tumble through an abyss and Jaden didn’t know how to stop it.  She was lightheaded and her stomach churned, dipped, and twisted, sometimes all at once.  More than an out of body experience, she felt as if she was out of the Force.  She couldn’t move and that terrified her the most.

~~ Wake up, ~~ the dark voices demanded.

Jaden struggled to open her eyes but the simple action seemed to be unconquerable.  ~~ He’s done something to me. ~~

~~ He’s done nothing!  You are weak. ~~

~~ So you come to taunt me in my nauseous state?  Go away. ~~

~~ Open your eyes, silly girl, and you will find your so-called friends have restrained you. ~~

~~ Restrained me? ~~

~~ They claim for your own safety, but they are frightened for themselves. ~~

~~ If I open my eyes, will you go away? ~~ 

~~ No. ~~

Jaden, resigned to the fact that the other half of her existence wasn’t going to leave, put more effort into opening her eyes.  ~~ This is different, ~~ she thought.  She was surrounded by a gray mist, but could see the specter like outline of the room and its furnishings.  There was no color and her vision seemed flat, like it was out of dimension.  ~~ Where am I? ~~

The dark voices sighed in disgust.  ~~ You are caught between your existence. ~~

~~ What?  Where are the Masters? ~~

~~ We are your masters! ~~

~~ The nice ones, ~~ she snapped.

~~ They are with the boy, which wouldn’t be necessary if the whelp had done as we told him and taken the kid weeks ago. ~~

~~ What is wrong with Dustil? ~~

~~ Nothing is wrong. ~~

~~ Do not lie to me, ~~ she demanded as she jerked against the restraints.

~~ You waste your energy and we are incapable of lying to you, silly girl.  All who are injured or sick are caught between your existences.  Because you are restrained, so are they. ~~

~~ That’s impossible!  I am only the light. ~~  

~~ And only the light suffer, ~~ the dark masters chuckled with glee.

~~ You sadistic . . . ~~

~~ Ah, ah, ah, silly girl.  The light may put up with your impudence, but we will not! ~~

~~ Do you think to threaten me?  I am no longer the young child you sought to terrorize at each opportunity. ~~

~~ You are nothing but a silly girl who should be dead! ~~

 

Jaden squeezed her eyes shut and took a calming breath.  The dark side had always been mean to her, it couldn’t help it after all, but there was a difference between being mean and being vindictive.  When she first arrived at the valley, they teased her mercilessly, would take over, and make her injure or kill the innocent animals that roamed the valley.  They would anger her, causing her to strike at the light, be destructive, and create all kinds of trouble.  The light would caution her against their tactics, to be wary of their motives, and she tried, really tried to be on guard, but the dark still managed to overwhelm her control.  That is, until the day she learned of her mother’s death at the hands of a Mandalorian patrol that were scouting Naboo as a possible target.  

 

Jaden’s heart still spiked with pain when she thought of her mother’s death, but that was the day when she learned to control the dark side, and why the Mandalorians never attacked Naboo.  It was also the day the dark side bestowed the title of Darth Tyr upon her and the light informed her she was now the Grand Master.  Jaden had learned all she could and had passed all her tests.  She truly was the embodiment of the Force.

The dark side still tried to harass her but she was better able to control it, and when they failed to control her, they became vindictive.  Just like now.  Jaden smiled and opened her eyes to the gray mist.  ~~ Having trouble with the Sith’ari? ~~

They snorted, ~~ He is not the Sith’ari. ~~

~~ I beg to differ since he ripped away that part of me.  You can’t control him either and that angers you. ~~ And I can use that anger to free myself.

~~ Even you use our unlimited power when needed, ~~ they scoffed.

~~ Ah, ah, ah, Masters, ~~ she said the term with derision as she always did, ~~ you’re beginning to sound childish.  I am not the one who manipulated the Sith’ari, so you have no one to blame but yourselves.  You entrusted Darth Traya with your chance for success in advancing the True Sith, it is your fault if you cannot control him. ~~ The mist surrounding her began to darken and Jaden could feel the power building within her.  Just a little more.

~~ Perhaps if you were out of the way, since it is his feelings for you, nothing but a silly girl, that interfere with his destiny. ~~

~~ Jealous? ~~ Jaden felt the first neural restraint disengage, and the mist began to fade.  ~~ Isn’t that a little narcissistic, even for you, since he possesses a part of me and I am a part of you? ~~

~~ You, silly girl, are nothing! ~~

The second restraint clicked open and the room came into focus.  ~~ Then neither are you.  Be gone! ~~

Jaden took a deep breath as soothing warmth flooded through her body chasing the icy, sick feeling from her bones.  She continued to take slow claming breaths as she closed her eyes and envisioned the restraints on her wrist and ankles.  The process was slow, but she managed to free her arms and unlatched the rest.

~~ You should rest, Child. ~~

~~ Masters, ~~ she thought with a grateful sigh.  ~~ How is Dustil? ~~

~~ He will be fine.  We apologize for having to call on them to free you, but you did well. ~~

~~ In angering them?  Thanks. ~~ She smiled faintly when they chuckled. 

~~ No, in using their power against them to gain your freedom.  We knew they would taunt you, and again we apologize but you have grown to the point where you handle them easily. ~~

~~ They said the others restrained me, why? ~~

~~ When Zared attacked, your attention was divided.  To protect the boy you withdrew and were endangering yourself and also the ship.  They felt it wise to restrain you. ~~

~~ I didn’t hurt anyone, did I? ~~

~~ No, all are fine.  Rest now, Child. ~~

Jaden was exhausted and weak so perhaps a little nap would help.  ~~ For a little bit. ~~

 

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When Carth told his parents that Morgana was pregnant, his mother squeaked with delight and almost immediately took her shopping for all things baby.  Fortunately Morgana was a practical woman, otherwise Carth might still be paying off the bills and Admiral’s were paid very well, but that wasn’t what he really remembered as he sat with his fingers steepled under his chin as he watched Dustil.  No, what he was remembering was what his father told him after the women had left.  “Congratulations, son.  From this point forward, that baby is going to be the best thing you ever do in your life,” he said turning to Carth, “It will also be the one thing that will scare the hell out you.”  At the time, Carth thought he meant learning to handle a baby but now he understood that his father meant, Dustil would be the cause of his greatest fear; losing him.

When Dustil came out of the academy, the soldier in him was thrown aside as the father took over, terrified that he wouldn’t be able to make this ‘boo-boo’ better.  For the first time in a year Carth was genuinely thankful Jaden had given him the power of the Force.  Not only did it steady him, but he also used its healing powers on his son.  One of the hardest things he ever did was turn Dustil over to Atton, but he had to get to Tuluk, to punish him for hurting his baby.

Being unable to reach the bastard shifted something dark and evil to the front of his consciousness and having the need to destroy Tuluk thwarted by the light side only made him angrier.  It wasn’t fair that Jaden was the one to kill Tuluk.  His need to protect his own was thrown aside because they thought she was the one betrayed, well what about him?  Jaden and the Force had effectively eviscerated him as a father and left him feeling hollow and inadequate and he wasn’t sure he could ever forgive her for that.  Carth sat back in the chair and squeezed his eyes shut as a shudder of emotion wracked his body.  He didn’t want to need Jaden, hated himself for even thinking it, but he felt empty inside, like she had deserted him.

He got up and went to the small sink to splash water on his face, letting the droplets fall from his chin as he looked at himself in the mirror.  He was pale, his features gaunt from exhaustion and weight loss.  He hadn’t eaten in days and it was beginning to take its toll as his eyes appeared vacant, dark, and dead.  He hadn’t looked this bad after the bombing of Telos or felt so alone.  Using his sleeves as a towel, he wiped his face and returned to the chair to continue his vigil.

 

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Zared stood on the bridge of the Gehenna and watched as half of his personal fleet positioned themselves around the asteroid field.  It was still taking too long to search the field and his patience had run out.  The Republic wasn’t hounding him so why not take advantage of the situation, put his fleet to use and find the key that much quicker.  When they were done, he would send them to various systems to cause trouble.  He didn’t want to show up at the site of the third key and find Admiral Onasi and the Republic Navy waiting for him.  This way they would have to defend other systems.  Divide and conquer not only the military but it would divide Jaden’s attention as well, and for once the dark voices praised him for finally taking action.  Zared told them to shut up.

“Milord, is it wise to have the fleet in one place like this,” Captain Balla asked as he stood beside his leader silently wondering about this latest tactic.

~~ We somewhat understand your fondness for the old man, but this one is truly useless.  Why do you keep him around? ~~

Ever since Zared had decided on a course of action, the dark voices had let up on the death and destruction manta, but they were still a murderous bloodthirsty lot.

~~ He knows which button to push to start the engines, now go away. ~~

~~ Impudence!  You’re beginning to sound like the silly girl, ~~

~~ What? ~~ But he didn’t get an answer.  He frowned, thinking that was twice now they referenced a silly girl when Balla politely cleared his throat.  “It is not your place to question my orders, Captain Balla.  It is your place to follow them.”

“Yes, Milord.”

 

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Jaden’s eyelids began to dance to the heavy footfalls as they paced one direction, turned, and packed back.  Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, shrrp, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, shrrp, thud, thud . . .

“Is there a reason for your pacing, but perhaps more important is there a reason you’re pacing in my room?”

“Did I wake you?”

“No, I always fake like I’m sleeping, waiting for Mandalore to come pacing beside me,” Jaden turned her head just enough to open one eye and glare at him over her shoulder.  At least he stopped pacing but the blaster cannon resting on his shoulder gave her pause,  “Is the ship under attack or am I under arrest.”

“I was told to guard you since you broke out of your restraints.”

Jaden took a quiet breath and reached out to find the voice.  The barriers were still there but they were weakening.  “By the Admiral?”

Canderous chuckled and thought about lying just to rile her, but changed his mind.  “No.  It’s been too quiet and that makes me nervous.”

She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed as she yawned.  “What’s been happening?”

“Nothing.  Vandar took Queen Talia back to Coruscant now that Irudu is in custody, to testify before the Senate.  Vaklu hasn’t bothered my men on Dxun.  Visas keeps trying to get Carth to eat, but he just sits with Dustil.  General Lavek is flying in circles, literally, and Atton’s getting rich scalping these poor saps at Pazaak.”

“And that makes you nervous?”

Canderous resumed his pacing.  “You don’t get to be Mandalore by resting on your heels.  If I was Zared, I would be hunting you down for what you did to me.”

“Thank the Force you’re not Zared then, because you’d be wasting time and not finding the key.”

“But he said he was this close,” he told her mimicking the thumb and finger action.

Jaden grinned at him as she began to swing her legs.  “And you believe the dark side?”  When her frowned at her, Jaden laughed, “It’s in an asteroid field, Canderous.”

“How do you know that?” he asked with narrowed eyes.

“Well,” she said with a shrug, “I’ll know when he finds it and if that isn’t where he is, I’ve vastly underestimated Radha Amenusis and his intelligence.”

“Then the past few days and your episodes were . . . what?”

“Zared was manipulating the key or something he found with it.  It would have to be large or it wouldn’t have effected me that way.”

“But the key he drew for us on Korriban wasn’t that big.”

Jaden snorted, “Zared couldn’t draw a stick figure.”

“Well it didn’t ring any bells for me and you claim I know about this.”

“Like I said.  Look, why don’t you get Visas and rescue the soldiers from Atton’s thieving ways and we’ll meet in the conference room in a couple of hours.  It’s time to get the show on the road because you’re right, it’s too quiet.”

“What are you going to do?” he asked nodding his agreement.

“I’m going to check on Dustil.”  And break down that blasted barrier.

 

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When the door to Dustil’s’ room opened Jaden found Carth sitting in the chair, his head propped on his left hand and his right foot tapping unconsciously with the machine beeping quietly by the bed.  He looked terrible.  He was pale; his eyes sunken, and his proud posture was slumped over in defeat as fatigue radiated from him.  Silently she reached out, realizing that the only reason his barriers seemed weaker was because he was physically, and emotionally depleted.

Carth didn’t bother to look her way before he said, “Visas, I’m not hungry.”  When the standard response of “But you must eat,” didn’t reach his ears, he turned his head and looked at her.  “What do you want?”

Although the look was vacuous, Jaden recognized the strain around his mouth, and she felt a small tear in her heart.  Ultimately she was the cause of that cold, empty, and stressed look.  I want you to let me in.  I want you to hold me.  I want you to tell me that it’s going to be okay, because, damn it; you’re not the only one hurting.  But she did tell him any of that instead asking, “How is he?”  

“Maybe you should tell me,” he said in an angry tone and looked away.  “The doctor tells me he’s healing fine but he won’t wake up.” He looked at her again and her heart tore a little more.  “Why won’t he wake up, Jaden?”

She shook her head as she approached the bed.  When she reached out to take Dustil’s hand, she found her wrist in a vice-like grip.  Jaden winced but she didn’t cry out.

“What did you do to him?”

“You’re hurting me,” she said calmly as she tried to take her arm back.

“What did you do to him?” he spit out with all the resentment and vitriol he had kept so close over the past days, in his voice.

Jaden shook her head, “Nothing.  Please let go of me.”  There was more here than just Bastila and her betrayal.  He was angry for another reason, and it was aimed at her, but instead of feeling the pain of his anger, all she felt was . . . nothing from him; a void that seemed to keep intensifying.

Carth flung her arm away and stood between Jaden and Dustil.  “So what is it?  A healing sleep?  Some super-duper Force coma?” he asked each question as he walked forward forcing Jaden to retreat.

With each step back, she felt her heart break a little more as if the very fabric was being ripped in two.  I did nothing; I couldn’t help him.  I was the dark, and then Zared attacked me.  I can’t help him because you won’t let me! She silently screamed.

“I guess my son isn’t as important as Queen Talia.  You didn’t find it necessary to help him.  You know how vital he is to me, but I guess I misjudged how important he is to you.”

“He is important to me.  You both are,” she said softly as her back bumped into the wall.

Carth planted his hands on either side of her head, trapping her.  “Does it give you a thrill to be all powerful, to know you decide who you help and who you don’t?  Is your God-complex good enough for the queen but not for a young man who thinks you’re the next best thing to Tarisian ale?”

With each word he spoke, Jaden felt the knife twist a little deeper, the blood flow from her heart a little quicker.  His eyes were filled with bitterness but that was only a cover for the stark sense of resentment and loneliness she felt from him.

“Answer me, damn it!  Or am I like him, only important for one thing,” he sneered crudely, “but I don’t rate the benefit of your power.”

Jaden opened her mouth to deny all of it, but she was so stunned he would think that, all she could do was gape at him.

“Leave her alone,” came weakly from the bed.

Carth immediately spun around and Jaden let her body slump against the wall as she began to tremble.

“Dustil?”

“It’s not . . . it’s not her fault.”

Carth grabbed Dustil’s hand and gently squeezed as he brushed the hair from his sons brow.  “You’re awake!” he whispered fighting back the tears of relief.

“Don’t blame Jaden,” Dustil whispered looking beyond his dad to see her smile faintly at him.

“It’s okay.  You’re awake, that’s all that matters.”

“No . . .”

“Dustil . . .”

“Not her fault.”

Why did his son keep saying that?  Carth knew of his feeling for Jaden but this was clearly . . .

“Your fault,” Dustil said with a raspy voice.  His father reared back as if he had been burned.

“My fault?  I’m not the one . . .”

“You restrained her.”

“What?”

“When you restrained her,” he started again and then began coughing.  Carth grabbed the water and held it to his lips.  Dustil drank a little then closed his eyes.

“Dustil, this can wait.  Whatever you think . . .”

“No!” Dustil opened his eyes to find Jaden, a distressed look on her face, leaving the room.  He looked at his father.  “When you restrained Jaden, you diminished her power.  She couldn’t help me or anyone else for that matter.”

“Dustil, this is not the time.  I know you have feelings . . .”

“Father, you’re not listening.  You diminished the power of the light side.”

It was clear to Carth that Dustil wasn’t thinking right.  He didn’t understand what had been going on then to wake up in the middle of conversation, no wonder he kept saying it wasn’t Jaden’s fault.  Yes, Tuluk was the one to put him here, in this condition, but there were plenty of times since then that Jaden could have done more to help his son and she didn’t.  Carth didn’t see how Dustil could blame him for that.  He was ready to tell his son that, but his chief medical officer shouldered him out of his way.

“Dad . . .”

“It’ll have to wait, junior,” the tall, older man said.

~~ He is correct, Admiral. ~~

~~ What? ~~

~~ The boy, he is correct.  The fault is yours. ~~

~~ No.  She didn’t . . . ~~

~~ Admiral, before the Sith’ari attacked her, the child was with your son, as she is with all who are sick or injured. ~~

~~ The Sith’ari? ~~

~~ The one you call the Exile.  You see Admiral that is why she was unprepared for his attack.  Her concern for your son divided the child’s attention.  When the Sith’ari struck, she withdrew into herself so your son, and others as well, would not be injured. ~~

Carth looked around but Jaden was gone.  He sank into the chair in the corner.

~~ Restraining her, so she would not injure herself, was fine and shows compassion on your part.  However, fitting her with the neural restraints limited her abilities, and ours as well. ~~ 

~~ If I . . . how did she get free? ~~ He asked as a feeling of mortification began to snake its way among the emptiness inside him.  He never thought of how restraining her would effect anyone else.  Dustil had been his only concern.

~~ It was necessary to call on the others to provide the strength needed to free her. ~~

~~ The others? ~~

~~ Her other half, Admiral, the dark masters. ~~

Carth let out a slow quiet breath as he watched the doctor and med techs poke and prod at Dustil.

~~ Your son would have awoken days ago. ~~

 And I wouldn’t have sat here . . . I wouldn’t have just accused her . . . 

~~ She is our child, ~~ they said quietly.  ~~ When she hurts, all suffer. ~~

~~ But you’re the Force.  Jaden is only the light. ~~

~~ We asked you at the Valley of the Jedi if she should be less than what she is. ~~

Carth slightly shook his head.

~~ She is more than the light, Admiral.  Jaden is very special and she cares very deeply for all she touches and she hurts just a profoundly as she loves.  The fallen Jedi did more than just betray her; he ravaged something that she has felt kinship with for years and has worked so hard to heal.  She set aside everything she has learned from us, to avenge not just her, but you and your son as well. ~~

~~ Why do you tell me this? ~~

~~ You know of the guilt she carries for events of the past.  The child sees these events as her punishment, and because of this, she will not tell you, believing this is her way of atonement. ~~

 “Carth!”  Startled to hear his name, he looked up into the face of his medical officer.  “Dustil’s fine.  I’ll keep him overnight but you . . . you need to eat and get some sleep.  That’s an order!”