Revan: Back in Five

Carth was sleeping, lying on his stomach, arms wrapped around my pillow. His own was on the floor. He had this habit of rolling onto my side of the bed when I got up, even for a minute, and getting the blankets all tangled around his legs. In the morning, when I would call him on his bed hogging and pillow thieving ways, his response was always: 'I can't help it, beautiful. Your side smells like you.' A thin defense, at best, but I never could bring myself to argue. One of his feet had escaped the sheets and hung out over the end of the bed, and the faint light allowed in by the shade setting on the windows lined the familiar slope of his naked shoulders in blue-gray light. His hair stuck up in back like a scruffy ruff of feathers. He was snoring.

If this were any other night, I would have retrieved his pillow from the carpet and wedged myself back in next to him. There would be some sleepy muttering followed by reluctant shifting, then he'd crook a knee over my hip and drop his arm over my torso, pulling me close before falling asleep again. I'd given in before and gone back to that warm place, where names didn't matter. Where, for a while, it really was enough that we loved each other. But we'd stolen our time; maybe too much of it already. The more I remembered about my life before, the more frightened I became that I had already lingered too long.

And so, tonight.

Tonight I had my pack waiting for me, stashed in the closet by the front door. Tonight, after he'd gone to sleep, I'd cleared away everything of mine, erasing all traces of my presence, so there would be nothing left to remind him. To hurt him. Tonight I'd gone to bed when he went to bed, and tonight I'd responded to his touch with such intensity that I wondered if he didn't already suspect I would be gone tomorrow.

My comm beeped, receiving T3's signal that all was ready. Time to go.

This was where I got myself into trouble, always. If I thought about what I was about to do and how it would hurt not only Carth, but everyone I'd come to care about, I could easily find myself picking up that pillow and jockeying for a corner of mattress. Galaxy be damned. So I didn't think. I just turned away from the bedroom and made my way across the lounge of Carth's quarters to the front door, no questions asked. Leave just like you're running an errand, I thought, walk out like you'll be back in a minute. I retrieved the pack from the closet and slung it over my shoulder, then triggered the door mechanism. The gray panel slid open, all too readily. I stepped into the corridor. The sensors activated with my passage, kicking in to close and lock the entrance behind me, just like always. Hiss woosh click. And that was it; cruelly normal. Like I really would return.

I leaned back against the cool surface of the door and rubbed my forehead with my free hand. Maybe a note? I should at least leave a note. But no. I'd tried. Again and again I'd tried and had never come up with anything satisfying. What could I possibly say? Either I made excuses, or I was too maudlin, or I seemed cold. He deserved better than that. He deserves someone who won't leave.

My comm beeped again. T3 was right to be anxious--it would be best to be well on our way before Carth woke up. This meant sticking with the plan, and making off with the Ebon Hawk quickly and with no fuss. I started walking back past Carth's quarters and towards the hangar bays, my stomach fluttery and sick. I swear that every muscle in my body clenched as I hurried past that door. I half wanted him to wake up and stop me, pulling me back in so we could fight and make up and have sex, then get up in some hours to our morning routine. Maybe someday I'll see him again. Maybe someday all will be forgiven.