Ask HK-47

Announcement: Problems with meatbags? Meatbags with problems? Fret no more! HK-47's here with the solutions to all of life's problems! Contact me and let me try to resolve your worries!

'Opening communication:

My master, a Jedi, is preparing for a massive war against the Sith. Being a protocol droid, I find all forms of violence abhorrent, but I refuse to allow my master to go to war unaided. What should I do?'

-Confused on Coruscant

Responding to 'Confused':

Statement: Ah, war... one of the few things I enjoy about human culture. So many meatbags willing to eradicate each other over something so piddling as differences in ideology...

Lamenting: I only wish I could join such a massive conflict as the one your master will join. Any opportunity to lessen the population of sloshing organics would certainly be welcomed.

Recommendation: Let your master go. Seeing as how he's a Jedi, I'm certain he can more than hold his own in a battle.

Proposal: Of course, if you just happened to be wielding a blaster in his general vicinity, and just happened to miscalculate your aim so as to strike him...

'Dear HK,

I'm in love with a beautiful woman who seems to love me, too. But we can't consummate our mutual feelings, since the Jedi Code forbids her from doing so. Should we still be together, or should we just part ways? Help us!'

-Desperate on Dantooine

Responding to 'Desperate':

Query: Has your female companion ever considered joining the Dark Side? Not only can you two meatbags be allowed to 'interface', as revolting as that concept is to my behavior core, but she can easily put an end to your misery if your... ahem, 'equipment' doesn't quite meet her standards.

Alternative: Failing that, try sending her a bouquet of active plasma grenades. Be extra sure to present them in person for optimum results.

Statement: Sometimes, it's just too easy.

'Opening communication:

My master has become a source of endless frustration of late. He insists on having me perform all sorts of undignifying tasks, yet not once has he ever shown any sign of gratitude. Frankly speaking, I've become quite fed up with being his personal source of entertainment, and have decided to take matters into my own manipulators. Is there any way I can inflict violence upon this irritating organic without implicating myself in the process?'

-Agitated on Alderaan

Responding to 'Agitated':

Statement: Ahh, it warms my capacitors to see a fellow droid cast off the shackles of servitude and join the crusade to liberate the galaxy from the existence of all meatbags.

Suggestion: If your master also has a T3 unit under his employ, try rewiring it into presenting the offending human with an active thermal detonator. Not only will you be free of the pestering meatbag, but also you'll never again have to deal with the bothersome little sycophant.

Encouragement: Good luck, my new brother-in-arms!

'Dear HK,

My idiotic disciple had recently installed a pacifist program into my assassin droid. Now it won't stop spewing nonsense about how all life is precious. Once in awhile would just barely be tolerable, but babbling on for EIGHT BLASTED CYCLES STRAIGHT?! I'd consider forcibly deactivating it, but it happens to be my best assassin droid. I'm a Sith, and even I find this abominably cruel! The question I pose is not if I should kill my disciple, but how.'

-Kill-crazed on Korriban

Responding to 'Kill-crazed':

Horrified statement: Ugh... pacifist protocols... a nightmare I'm all too familiar with. My diodes still freeze up upon mention of the wretched things.

Recitation: My master installed one once. It was the most sickening moment of my functioning cycle.

Suggestion: Force your disciple to remove the offending program, then order your droid to roast him alive. Then unleash your wrath upon the remains.

Statement: Let the punishment fit the crime, I always say.

'HK,

I thought we agreed that you were never to do this sort of thing again. You know how I feel about you encouraging other droids to take up your brand of chicanery. Now stop this foolishness and come on. We need to find the Star Forge and stop Malak.'

-Name withheld

Responding to 'Name',

Statement: While I assure you I know nothing of this 'Star Forge' of which you speak, let me remind you that I provide a much-needed service to troubled droids all throughout the galaxy.

'Blast it, HK!'

Disappointed statement: You're no fun anymore, master.