Motivations: Meveri

Meveri Aklus was sitting with her head buried in her arms, face-down on the navigational console in the cockpit of the Ebon Hawk. Snores come from her direction. She shifted in her sleep. Bao-Dur opened the broken door which stopped midway, and walked in, but upon seeing Meveri snoring, he smiled and moved back out -- and bumped into Atton Rand.

"Oh, sorry, Atton. Didn't see you there," he said in his quiet voice.

"Yeah, whatever, it's ok," the man muttered, waving him off. Atton tried glancing in past Bao as the Zabrak tried to go around him to go back to working on the lighting in the medical room. "Is she still in there?"

"Yes, but she's sleeping."

Bao saw the intentions in the man's eyes and shook his head, knowing that Meveri wouldn't be nice if anyone tried carrying her to a bed. It would make her feel too useless to even herself, and she hated feeling useless. Atton gave him a questioning glance.

"She doesn't take kindly to anyone touching her when she's asleep." He laughed gently. "Not to mention that she wakes up if anyone is within so much as a foot near her."

"Has she killed anyone over it?"

"Physically? No."

Atton smiled, evidently thinking himself safe. If it wasn't worth killing for, it wasn't worth all that much, or so he thought.

"But she has a tendency to verbally rip the flesh from someone's back if they tried," he said, repeating the rumours that went around back in the day.

"And how would you know that?" Atton demanded.

The Zabrak's eyes darkened slightly as he looked back to the cockpit. The woman's carrot-orange hair could be seen, spilling out onto the controls and off the edge, dangling, along with her hand and part of her arm. The remainder was blocked off by a half-closed, broken door.

"I...served with her in the wars," he said at last. "I was a technician, remember?"

Atton asked, momentarily confused, "You did? Oh, yeah, you did. I forgot. Well, maybe you can tell me something."

Bao looked uncomfortable. "Atton, your guess is as good as mine."

He tried to go around Atton again, but the man blocked his path, trying to stare him down into submission. He was slightly taller and his jacket added to his shoulder width, making him slightly more imposing. The Zabrak was hardly fazed, however, having seen plenty of such attempts at intimidation.

"I wasn't gonna ask that, believe it or not. It's not all I think about."

Bao raised an eyebrow, questioning the man's last statement. He then looked uncomfortable again, but stopped trying to pass. He looked like he was considering the human's intentions. The General wouldn't approve, but Atton hadn't tried anything up to this point, and judging by the arguments with Mical that he'd heard, he wouldn't be trying anything. Finally, he nodded.

"Alright, Atton, ask. But I only know so much. I was just -- "

"Yeah, yeah," Atton cut in, "I know. You were 'just a tech'. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the answers, though, it just takes someone who knew her. So -- " He paused to lean on the wall. "What made her go back to the Jedi? She knew they weren't going to kill her and end her suffering. Why?"

Bao shrugged, shaking his head. "I don't know, Atton. I wasn't there when she decided to go back. It had been...several days, maybe weeks, since I saw her last, at that point. I...don't know."

Atton sighed, and turned so that Bao can pass. The Zabrak stopped at the edge of the short hallway and looked back. Atton was standing by the door, leaning on the wall again, looking in. Bao shook his head and left.

Meveri stirred and lifted her head, releasing a loud gasp, and looked around wildly.

"What!? Who?!" she cried.

Seeing no one beside her and nothing wrong, she took her arms off of the console and smacked her head down directly onto the cold, metal surface. With two breaths, she focused herself and tried to relax. Her nightmares had returned, and they were infinitely more vivid.

"Something wrong?" Atton asked, surprising her.

Meveri sat up again and slammed her hands on the console. She spun around in the chair, glaring over the top of it, which towered over her evidently short body.

Angrily, she demanded, "'Do you always sneak up on people, or is it just me? Because, I swear, if you ever get it into your dumb, thick head to strike up a conversation, I never know you're there until you try!"

"Sorry," he said with a sheepish smile. "I didn't want to wake you, though. The drool was cute."

Meveri wiped at her mouth angrily, not realising he was joking. When he began chuckling, she stopped and glared. Finally, she turned and stared moodily out at the jungles.

"What do you want, Atton?" she snarled, spitting his fake name with venom.

"I want you to have a conversation with me."

"A conversation? Would that at all consist of you trying to come onto me or Pazaak cards?"

"Actually, no."

"Surprise, surprise." She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Well, guess what, Atton, I don't want to talk to you so do yourself a favour and run along and get eaten by a cannok before I feed you to one myself."

Atton, despite her warning, came and sat in the co-pilot's seat, putting his feet up, pointedly ignoring her angry glare. He folded his arms behind his head and leaned back, closing his eyes.

"You're so angry, Mev,' he said lightly. "There's no reason to, really! I'm a changed man!"

"Oh, yes, Atton, it's quite easy to change after killing Jedi. I don't think I need to remind you that there's a law against that, since you're so good at breaking those laws -- among others."

He opened his eyes, his falsely jovial mood gone, and glowered at Meveri. She could see his feet beginning to shake with impatience in his reflection in the window. She planned to push a little more -- maybe he'd get angry enough to leave the ship's sanctuary and accidentally stumble into a group of malraases. She smiled briefly at the thought. Very, very briefly.

"Look, Meveri, I killed a person, but I didn't kill a planet, so don't try pulling that."

She turned on him quite quickly. "Don't try pulling what!? Making you feel guilty for something that you did do and should feel guilty for!? What's wrong with feeling bad about killing a person who did nothing to you but try to show you a little heart? I must be out of place, because last time I checked, it's immoral to kill a Jedi who tries to be kind to you, put aside the fact that it's illegal!"

He let her finish, his own anger quickly boiling as she went on. All he had done was try to be honest and tell her the truth, and she was shoving his attempts back into his face. He had no choice but to show her than she wasn't blameless, either. She had done just as much bad as he had, and it was worse coming from her. She wanted to be a Jedi and preached their laws and beliefs, but when it came to admitting that she had done wrong, as she said the Jedi do, she couldn't. Just like the rest of them.

"I killed a person, but how much blood is on your hands!?" he yelled. She rose angrily. "What, are you going to kill me? Are you gonna prove my point!?"

"No! I-I-" she struggled. Finally, she sat back down, crossed her legs, and folded her arms across her chest. "I won't say another word. You won't goad me into a fight!"

"Yeah, way to problem solve, Mev. Just like a Jedi -- ignore it and it'll go away!" He glared at her, and made sure she knew it. "Well, the war didn't go away, did it? And you learned that the hard way, didn't you?"

He could see her foot beginning to shake, but she grit her teeth and forced herself to sit still. He took strange, obscene pleasure in seeing her will trying to fade off. It scared him, but it made him feel strong all the same, which was a relief. He'd been feeling pressured and weak recently. The old windbag had been threatening him and making sure he did her bidding, but now the hag wasn't here! She couldn't shut him up. And besides, Meveri knew. She had a problem with it, but she knew. Kreia couldn't control him with a secret that was no longer a secret.

"They sat on their fat asses in their stupid temples and you sat with them, hoping they'd do something to make it all disappear. You'd never seen a dead body like that before going to war, right?" He couldn't stop. He had to keep talking. "But finally some of you realised it wasn't gonna stop, and so you went, thinking you could. Yeah, I can see it in your face, that's how it went. And you were proud that you were doing something. That much I agree with."

Meveri uncrossed her legs and sat back, her hands gripping the handles of the chair until both her hands were entirely white and shaking. She was breathing in and out as slowly as she could, obviously trying to either ignore him or keep herself calm. But he knew her pressure spots, now. He knew where to hit, and it felt good to be in power. Atton stood, leaning over the piece of the console which jutted out.

"But then you realised life wasn't flowers and daisies, and that death was more brutal than holovision makes it out to be. Right? Right. And you found an easy way out -- the destruction of Malachor and there you go. When you realised which Hell you just put yourself in, you went back to the Jedi, hoping they'd kill you. But Jedi don't do that. They disguise it as mercy and let you live so that you can wallow in self-pity and drown yourself out, so their hands are clean! That's what they did, right? Yeah. That's right."

Meveri had stopped trying to hide her fury. She was sitting with her hands weakly in her lap, gripping tightly, and she was glaring at her feet. Atton knew she would pop soon. He didn't know how he knew, but he knew it. And he wouldn't stop until she did. He wouldn't even need to hit her once -- not physically, at least. He'd hit her verbally so many times up to this point...

"But you're damn proud! Yeah, I can see it in your face every time someone mentions the war, you look up like you're waiting for someone to congratulate you only so you can tell them off and act all humble and tell them that the war was a stupid choice, but you'd do it all again, and worse, wouldn't you? But you can't do it now 'cause you're a Jedi, now, and Jedi are keepers of peace and justice." He spat the last sentence, mocking her.

"What do you want me to say, Atton?" she demanded, furious. "What do you want me to say? I killed people? Yes, I did. How's that? That I killed planets and planets? Well, then, I killed planets and planets. Person after person? Person after person, it is! There. How's that. I'm a lot worse than you are! Yeah! That's what you want to hear! Your damn ego is so huge that you actually believe what damn crap you try spitting at me! Well, I can do that, too!" She leaned forward and patted her chest each time she referred to herself and pointed at him angrily when she spoke of him. "Let me try! I was right to kill everyone! I'm better than the Jedi! I don't need their hypocrisy! After all, I've done so well these last years, drinking myself to stupors and wandering without a life!"

"Why the hell would you do that, Mev!? Why would you go back to the Jedi! You know they're liars! You know they wouldn't kill you!"

"Atton, I wasn't expecting to be killed! I was hoping to be forgiven so that I'd be able to start again and help. But what the hell would you know! You rely on yourself and only yourself! No forgiveness for those who sin! No rest for the wicked, isn't that right! If anyone should try to help you, you immedia-"

"I don't pretend to know what your-"

"Like hell you don-"

"Why don't you just-"

"Yeah, you-"

"I-"

"Hate-"

"You!!" they ended simultaneously.

Silence tore through the cockpit suddenly. Meveri leaned back against the handles of the chair, having risen before. She didn't know why it was such a shock to hear him say that. Maybe it was because it had been a while before anyone had the guts or the willingness to face her and say it. She had made sure to sound ignorant of it to the point of annoying people, and few had decided she was worth telling that. Or maybe she thought he didn't have enough reason to hate her. But it didn't matter. He had said it, and she had said it, and they both seemed to have meant it. Atton was waiting for her reaction, because he wasn't sure what to say, himself. He hadn't expected that it would come to that, but it had. The expression on her face told him everything, however.

"Well," she muttered, blinking and looking at the ground. Her red face was going back to its usual, pale colour. "Well...I...I wasn't expecting it from you, Atton. I really wasn't. I wasn't expecting you to have that much reason to hate me. I thought I would have more of a reason to hate you." She looked up at him briefly, struggling to find words. "I...guess I was wrong." She half-snorted, half-sighed, shaking her head. "Sorry."

She side-stepped and shifted her way through the small room toward the broken door. She paused at the door and shook her head. Then, suddenly, she seized a bulb that had been waiting to be inserted by the door for an alarm light. She hurled it to her right, near Atton, with all her strength and fury. It crashed and Atton flinched to the side, shocked.

"I'm damn sorry you had to end up here with such a terrible murderer like me. How's that? You wanted to hear that? You heard it," she growled hoarsely and stumbled out of the room.

Atton felt bad, but he had the strangest feeling that he had been right. That he had a point. But he didn't understand why he had to rub it in her face. He didn't understand why she had to get so emotional, either. He could have sworn she had begun crying by the time she threw the bulb, but he couldn't be sure.