Motivations: Revan

a/n: Spur of the moment little argument. No one has proofed it but me, and frankly, it's not worth it. It just helped kill a bit of Writer's Block.

_

Asori glared at Carth, who glared at the controls in the cockpit, and couldn't believe what she was hearing. After she had just heard that her whole life as she knew it, up until she woke up on the Endar Spire, was a big lie, a figment of her imagination, he had the audacity to tell her that she was evil? Oh, I'll give you your chutzpah right back, Onasi! she thought angrily, and stomped two brief steps before she reached out, grabbed his shoulder, and turned him to face her.

'Look, you self-centered, bantha-brained, woe-is-me rancor poodoo remnant!' she growled, stopping short between insult, struggling to form coherent and useful insults. 'I can't believe you have the nerve to accuse me of being evil for something I don't even remember doing!'

'Then why are you here!?' he growled back, shrugging away her hand.

'What kind of half-assed question is that, Onasi?' she demanded.

'One that you're avoiding!'

'Avoiding? I don't avoid answering things that aren't worth answering. I just don't answer them.'

'Well, that makes me think you're hiding something. That makes me think you know more about yourself than you're letting on,' he said, taking a step back.

Asori rolled her eyes. They were back to this again. They were back to the point where he didn't trust her because of what she might be, what she could be, what she could be pretending to be. She wasn't anyone other than herself. Yes, she was once Revan, Big Bad Sith Lord of the Outer Rim. She was Asori, now, even if the identity was just her in her own fantasy world.

He glared at her, accusing her for everything that went wrong in his life, and that pissed her off more than anything. She was finally getting close to him, and he to her, and he went and decided that the universe was against him once again, and that she was the commander of the freaky little war going on in his head.

'Doesn't it occur to you that maybe this comes as much of a shock to me as it does to you?' she asked, spreading her arms out, 'Maybe even more?'

Carth glared at her and shrugged.

'Look, you know what, let's not discuss this now. We've got to find that last star map thing and then we've got to save Bastila. We've got no time for -- '

She cut him off with a slap. He stumbled into the chair and then plopped on the small space between the pilot and co-pilot seats and stared at her, dumbfounded, rubbing his bristle-bearded cheek. Carth could see Asori was seething at him, and he wondered if he'd started her on the path of the Dark Side all of a sudden. She'd been pretty okay until now.

'I-You-I-' she struggled, her fists clenched at her side. Her face was bright pink, and he was sure that everything was red in her vision. When she finally had the ability to speak coherently again, her voice was a low growl. 'You think you're the only one in this universe with the problems. You think it's so important that you defeat Saul and that Revan gets what she deserves.' She heaved him up with her hands by the front of his orange coat, her strength fueled purely by her anger.

'Revan, I didn't -- '

'Carth, you idiot, shut up and listen! I'm not Revan! I may have been, but I have no damn clue what in hell I did!' She dropped him and pushed her nose about two centimeters from his, poking his chest with one of her gloved hands. 'You have no idea how stupid and useless and crappy I feel now that every single memory I have of my friends and of my brother is just something I made up, like I'm from some sort of mental institution! My brother, Carth, remember him!?'

She shoved him against the console and turned to stomp out. He rubbed his cheek and chest for a moment, while he listened to her footsteps stalk to some back portion of the ship -- probably the garage, where she could talk to Canderous or work on trying to give her lightsabre double power or maybe to try and fix up the swoop bike, since she'd bashed it up on her last run.

He'd forgotten about her brother, Nydoran. He'd forgotten that all this Jedi business was what she was doing in his fond memory. Carth felt partially like an idiot, but still wasn't sure if it was valid. She could be a pretty good actress, for all he knew. She'd won by deceit before.

But still...what if she really had joined the Jedi because her brother would have, because he was so determined to make the galaxy a better place for his little sister?

Then again, why would that be her sole reason for living like this, doing something she didn't like? But maybe it wasn't. Maybe she had come to enjoy it.

Carth shook his head. Who am I kidding? Even Bastila gets all tight and stressed because of the Jedi Code. No one likes being a Jedi. And yet, he couldn't help but toy around with the idea that maybe doing good had given her more purpose than flying a ship. Maybe she wasn't Revan. On the other hand, Carth had a difficult time believing that Saul would lie to him, and even Bastila had admitted it. Malak had said it, too.

Maybe she was just hoping her charade would last longer, maybe thinking that she had paid close enough attention and that she'd been so careful that she could pull it along a little longer. She had the traits -- he'd seen her shoot a man with barely a reason. She picked fights any chance she got. Even with him, before she began making strange come-ons, she pushed most fights beyond bicker-and-banter. She was vicious.

But still...there had been several times where she hadn't been as evil and bad. Dustil, for one thing. She had helped Carth get him back. The boy probably still had resentment, but that didn't mean that there wasn't a chance. And whenever she opened up enough to say anything about herself, she was more than a little sentimental. Never crying, of course, not that he'd seen -- she'd have killed him if he had. But she was unusually serious and without threats when she shared some of her stories.

Carth sighed. He couldn't know that he was wrong, but maybe he'd judged too harshly. Maybe she was right. Maybe she wasn't Revan. Maybe she was Asorimi Daneb, just as she'd said. Maybe she did feel bad and maybe she really couldn't be blamed for all the damage she'd done.

Carth left the cockpit to search for her. He found her in the garage, as he'd suspected, smacking a hydrospanner to the side of the swoop bike. She ignored him when he pulled the tool from her hand and twisted a bolt. A light turned on, and the clicking from the small vehicle stopped. She grabbed the tool back and grumbled something about how she was going to do that next, then proceeded to reattach a wire inside.

'Asori...' Carth said.

'Don't wanna talk to you,' she replied.

'But I want to apologize.'

'I don't want your stinking apology, I want your stupid trust!' She smacked the hydrospanner on the side of the bike again. 'And since I'm not getting that, you can turn right back around and go to your Throne Room.'

Carth sighed, frustrated. He knew it wouldn't be easy, especially when she began calling his -- no, the cockpit his throne room. He tugged the hydrospanner from her hands again and turned her so she faced him as he sat.

'I know it was unfair of me to rub it in your face that you're -- you were, sorry -- Revan.'

'Damn right,' she grumbled.

'And it was wrong of me to make you feel bad about your brother.'

She stiffened slightly and, with a sniff and a pout, she said, 'Doesn't matter that much. He doesn't really exist, anyway.'

'He might. Ever consider that the Council can't make something from nothing?' he suggested. Then, seeing that she looked thoughtful and was about to get distracted, he shook his head. 'Anyway, I know it was wrong. But that doesn't mean I automatically trust you because I don't know if whatever got you then won't get you again.'

'You think so much of me, I'm flattered,' she growled, looking away.

'Asori, I'm not kidding. I know I can't accuse you of what you did then, because you don't know what it was or why, but now that Saul's dead, I'm making it my top priority to make sure you don't go back to that.'

'I can take care of myself. I have so far.' She was still stiff, but now it was with anger once more.

'I know, but you still had the memory of Nydoran. You can't rely on that anymore, so you might...' he hesitated.

'Become unstable?' she demanded, raising an eyebrow.

'Not really. But close enough.' He sighed. 'I'm not going to stop you from doing your job, or stop doing what I've been doing until now. But I'm not going to stop watching you. I can't. I've been hurt too many times.'

She hesitated, and he could see how memories of the Jedi, Bastila, and the inexistent Nydo played in her head. She sighed and nodded, giving in.

'I guess I can't blame you for that.'

She appeared to want to say more.

'Go on.'

'I-I'd be a liar if I said that I never thought about doing some pretty nasty things. But I didn't. But I can't say how this new information is gonna affect me.'

'I'll do my best to help you make the right choice.'

'Whatever the words 'right choice' mean, anyway...' she said with a snort. Carth chuckled slightly, but turned serious again. 'Carth, I'm not going to say that I wasn't looking forward to being...trusted. But I'll get it if you don't want to.' A mischievous gleam came to her eyes, some of the real her coming back. 'It just means I'll have a continuous challenge!'

Carth leaned back on his hands and sighed. Revan or not, the girl was persistent.

'I don't think I'm going to pursue a relationship with a Sith Lord,' he said, but immediately knew he shouldn't have.

Asori frowned and took back her hydrospanner. She wouldn't cry, Carth knew. She didn't feel sad. She just felt cheated, and he could understand why she'd be angry. He stood and turned to go. Before he did, he looked back at her. As if sensing that, she looked back at him, her expression strangely somber.

'You go do your job, Carth, and I'll do mine. I'll do mine.'

She looked back at her work and began poking at something again, only this time, she didn't get frustrated with it. Maybe she really was a Jedi, if she needed to be.