Out of the Box

'What did one starship say to the other?'

The Jedi stared at the nameless prisoner, thoughtfully. It certainly was a funny-looking alien, the likes of which this human was having trouble identifying. Yet it seemed familiar, somehow. Revan leaned in close, squinting hard, causing the prisoner to become quite uncomfortable.

'Have we met?'

'Doubtful. I've been in this box for-oh, I've long since lost count-several thousand years or so...'

'Hmm... have I seen you in a holovid?'

'What's a holovid?'

'A device used to play holographic programs, which are also often called holovids. My turn?'

'What? No!'

'But I just-'

'That was not my riddle!'

'...Cheater.'

The prisoner sighed loudly. 'Again, I ask you, what did one starship say to the other?'

Perhaps the Jedi had never met this particular individual. Still, something in the back of Revan's brain vaguely registered encountering others of this species. Anyway, it didn't matter. Revan decided it would be prudent to focus on the situation at hand. The Jedi took several silent moments, concentrating. Finally, Revan's spoke.

'What's up with your legs?'

The prisoner blinked. 'What about my legs?'

The Jedi crouched down and brought its face way closer than most sentients would consider appropriate. 'Are they on backwards?'

The prisoner jumped backwards, obviously quite irritated. 'My limbs are irrelevant.'

'How can you walk with out falling on your face? What with your legs being all squiggle-like and such.' The aggravated prisoner opened his mouth to speak but was cut off. 'I could fix that for you, you know. I mean, probably. I never tried but-'

'What did one starship say to the other?!'

'42!'

'What? No. That is not correct, I'm afraid. Now, I trust that you will honor our deal? The victor gets your body, correct? Yes. That is what we agreed upon. Now then, if you'll just close your eyes and-'

'I mean pazzak,' the Jedi amended, interrupting the nameless prisoner.

'No! The proper answer was-'

'Gizka! I know. I was just testing you. Seriously.'

The prisoner twitched one protruding eye. Never in his many centuries of existence had he found such an utterly irritating... whatever the heck his inept cerebral opponent was. Deciding to ignore his visitor, the prisoner proceeded to chant. Soon, after an eternity of waiting, he'd have a brand new body to enjoy.

''Whatever, riddles are dumb anyway...' Revan assumed a defiant posture, arms crossed, head tilted. 'How about I just beat ya up instead?'

'...Shut up.'

Revan watched in awe as the prisoner's body slowly faded. Reaching out a hand right through the space occupied by the quickly vanishing form, the Jedi felt nothing but air. 'Ooooh... that's a neat trick.'

'Do not despair... Perhaps one day another will come along. And you can take their body.' He felt the need to give some encouragement, despite his slight aversion to the doomed creature.

Revan stared into the vast whiteness. The prisoner had completely disappeared. 'Hey!'

'What?!'

'You never answered my question about appearing in a holovid!' The human's call cut through the silence. There was no reply. 'Pft! Stuck-up actors.'

'Ouch!' The prisoner, in his new body, landed headfirst on the dura-steel floor with a loud thud. He scrambled to his feet. Immediately, he patted his new chest, his new face, and gave his butt a quick wiggle. Realizing that he wasn't merely dreaming again, the now-free prisoner exercised his new lungs with a hearty laugh. At long last, his imprisonment had come to an end.

He stood quickly and surveyed his surroundings. Grey dura-steel surrounded him on all sides. He appeared to be in a small room that he deduced was likely used primarily for storage purposes. A quick glance out a nearby view port suggested that he was on some planet with barren terrain.

A particularly shiny dura-steel panel on the wall caught his attention. In disbelief, he approached the mirror and examined his reflection. He patted his cheeks, watching his doppelganger do the same. Next, the two stuck out their tongues at each other. Another joyful laughed resounded within the small room. Idly, the nameless prisoner wondered if he would be considered good looking for one of his new species.

'Hey!' Startled, the prisoner spun around. Staring at him was a small blue person looking a bit too excited. 'There you are! We've been looking all over for you. Where have you been?'

Dumbstruck, the prisoner merely stared back at her, offering no reply.

The blue female reached forward and grasped the prisoner's hand. 'I know that you've been pretty upset since you learned that you were Revan. I understand why you'd wanna be alone. But it's time for your final test, ya know. C'mon!' Although the prisoner did not recognize this blue sentient or her species of origin, it was apparent that she knew him, or rather that she knew the previous owner of the body that he now occupied. Blue attempted to pull her friend's body out into the hall.

He decided it best to play along. 'R-right... test...' The prisoner took one step and immediately fell flat on his face, nearly taking the blue girl down with him. As he lay sprawled across the floor, he cursed his new, bizarre legs. Some time spent working on the mechanics of these ridiculous appendages would be necessary.

'Geez, been hitting that Tarisian ale have ya?'

'Umm...' 'What?' 'Yes?' Blue gasped, shocked. The prisoner hurriedly scrambled to his feet. 'I-I mean no. No, I have not.' His voice sounded un-natural. This would take some getting used to as well. 'Now then.' He doggedly stepped forward... and tripped again. This was quickly becoming a re-accruing theme.

A blaster bolt hurdled by, mere inches from his new nose, the moment the prisoner entered the common area. Nearby, a rather large male laughed in baritone. 'Phwoar! You scream like a little girl, Revan!'

'Good to know,' He quickly answered before redirecting his attention. 'You there, stop that.'

The droid, who'd up until a moment ago had been firing a blaster rifle in every direction, complied. 'Obedience: As you wish, Mater. Query: How else shall we eliminate these amphibious meatbag pests infesting our ship?'

'I say we eat them,' The gruff man recommended, punting one gizka across the room as he spoke. It bounced off the wall and hit an elderly male on his bald head.

'Objection: I certainly would not want any squishy meatbag remains rotting within my chassis.'

'A gizka sandwich sure would be nice. Better than the garbage from the synthesizer.' The bald man rubbed his head.

"Suggestion: This vessel's interior could use a splash of color. I find gizka innards to be a most delightful hue."

The gruff man laughed as he kicked another gizka. The prisoner had to duck to avoid being smacked in the face by the flying amphibian. On the wall behind him, the prisoner heard a loud clang. He noted with disgust that the impact sounded... wet. He refused to look, knowing his stomach would not like what he saw.

'Have I ever told you about the time...'

As the old one rambled on, the prisoner backed away slowly. Suddenly, he bumped something small and 'beepy' with his heal causing him to lose his balance. He squeezed his eyes shut tight as he fell backwards. 'Oh no, not again.' To his great surprise, the prisoner was saved from the running gag by two strong hands. In disbelief, he opened one eye, then the other. Staring down at him, were two brown eyes on a scruffy-looking male wearing an outlandish orange jacket.

The prisoner thanked Orange as he helped him to his feet. Old was still droning on and on, explaining the nature of 'love' to nobody in particular.

Blue grabbed the prisoner by the elbow and lead him away. 'Don't worry, we'll be back by the time he's finished.

In the next room, a tall female creature hummed cheerfully. She kept her back to them as she worked. Idly, the prisoner wondered what she was doing. He wouldn't have to wait long to find out.

'Yo, Juhani. Are you done?'

'Yes, Mission.' Juhani turned. She smiled politely at the prisoner. 'You are just in time.'

She stepped forward and offered the prisoner a small metal pole. He hesitated at first but soon realised that he was expected to accept it, so he did. 'Thank you.' Juhani bowed slightly. The prisoner stared blankly at the odd item in his hand.

'Well,' Mission poked his side with one bony finger. 'Try it out.' Both females stared at him expectantly.

'Umm... sure...' He turned the item over in his hand. He had no idea what he was supposed to do with it. Perspiration tricked down his spine. If he couldn't appease these two fast, his cover would be blown. He did not want to return to that accursed prison he'd been confined to for so long.

'Hey, Revan! Let's go!'

'Right!' The prisoner called back instantly.

Mission mumbled under her breath. 'Canderous could learn a little patience.'

'Juhani, Mission, Canderous.' The prisoner recited mentally. Learning the names of the others without letting on that he didn't already know them could prove challenging. He would have to pay attention.

The air was hot and dry. The ground was devoid of vegetation, covered instead in rocks, some of which appeared razor sharp. The sky perpetually threatened a storm. No wonder everyone on this planet was so dang cranky.

He didn't know where he was supposed to be going, he just followed the group as they marched through a small city inhabited by some of the most hostile sentients he'd ever seen. The prisoner even observed a group of young people, dressed in gray, force others to give them piggy-back rides all over town. They seemed as if they had been at it all day.

The scruffy male, who the ever-perceptive prisoner discovered was named Carth, seemed to have developed an obsessive habit of watching the prisoner at all times. The prisoner was sure that he could feel Carth's eyeballs burning a hole between his shoulder blades as they marched. 'Is he on to me?'

Finally, they reached some large structure, their apparent destination. It was dark inside. When his eyes adjusted, the prisoner found himself in a large, stone room filled with people in gray.

Canderous spoke as they entered. 'Alright, this is as far as we go.'

'Yup, you gotta take this test on your own.' Blue added, 'We'll be waiting here for you to come back.'

Gently, Juhani warned him with a charming accent. 'Please, do be careful. May your lightsaber serve you well should you encounter danger. May the force be with you.'

'Lightsaber?'thought the prisoner. He threw a glance at the small metalic object that she'd given him earlier. 'This thing?''

Old interrupted his ongoing lecture about destiny, or whatever he was on. 'And don't take all day!'

The prisoner simply nodded dumbly and ventured alone deeper into the building. The others, he noticed thankfully, were staying behind. Maybe he could find another exit and just leave, forgetting all about these people and silly tests.

Just then, something grabbed his elbow, bringing him to an abrupt halt. 'Wait a second,' it was the one known as Carth. The prisoner wondered what he could possibly want. 'I need to talk to you.'

'Uhh... I've got a test...'

'I don't hate you.' At the prisoner's blank stare, he continued. 'I tried to but I can't.'

'He sure is a whiney one.' Thought the prisoner as Carth continued on. Prisoner wasn't really listening to what the man was saying. Something about revenge, reasons, and trust issues. 'Blah, blah , blah...' Idly, the prisoner contemplated about the nature of the relationship between the human whose body he now inhabited and this Carth-person.

'I think I-'

His words were cut off by a new voice. The owner was a bald man with pale skin adorned with intricate tattoos. 'Are you ready, young one?'

By now Prisoner was grateful to find anything to get away from the angst-fest. 'Yes! Please! Let's go!' How bad could the test be?

Canderous was right, the prisoner did scream like a little girl. Presently, He was being chased by two massive sets of jaws. He screamed his little borrowed head off as he ran like mad randomly through the dark tomb. Every few seconds, one set of teeth would clamp shut just inches behind.

And to think, not five minutes ago he was sure he'd die of bordom of all things. He had been in this tomb for hours and hadn't found any Star Map or Sith lightsaber. He was beginning to wonder if there ever even were such things in this dark, dank labyrinth. He had half a mind to return to the entrance where the tattooed man and the purple female were waiting for him. Just give up. He didn't want to be a Sith anyway. Didn't even know what a 'Sith' was.

The prisoner rounded a corner and found himself face-to-face with the meanest looking monster he'd ever seen. It growled menacingly. It would surely have bitten the prisoner's head off right then and there had he not temporally collapsed from sheer terror.

Now, two roaring, hungry teraneteks were hunting him relentlessly. What was he going to do? He knew he had to think of something quick or he was doomed. He remembered what Juhani had told him as they parted ways. ' May your lightsaber serve you well should you encounter danger.'

Not missing a step, he retrieved the small metal rod from his side holster and examined it. As soon as he gained a sufficient lead the prisoner stopped dead in his tracks and spun about to confront his attackers. The teranateks slowed their approach to a walk as the prisoner met the leader's beady eyes with his determined ones. He lifted the lightsaber high over his head and with all the strength he could muster, threw it at the nearest monster.

The rod bounced off the monster's head, uselessly, fell to the ground, and rolled backwards. Finally, it came to a stop halfway between the prisoner and the closest monster. At first, nobody moved. All parties simply stared silently at the rod on the floor. None of them certain about what was supposed to have happened.

Returning to its senses, the lead teranitek reared back and unleashed a frightening roar. The other quickly followed suit. Together, they shook their stone surroundings so much, bits of stone rained from the ceiling. The lead monster charged forth and scooped up the lightsaber, eating it greedily. Prisoner screamed and fled, both monsters fast on his heels.

He rounded a corner. Then took a left. Jumped over a fallen column. Eventually, he noticed the stomps of the monsters, while still much too close for comfort, didn't seem nearly as close at they had before. The prisoner looked back over his shoulder. The closest monster was ten meters behind him. If he could just keep running, he might be able to lose them.

SMACK! The prisoner, now on the ground, rubbed his head. A lump was already starting to form. He looked up and before him was a solid wall. Dead end. Behind him, the terenateks were closing in.

It wasn't fair. After all the years spent patiently waiting for a host body, after having a fleeting taste of freedom at long last, he'd be devoured alive. Why did he have to pick this body? Surely, in no other body would he be forced to live like this. Or die like this, as the case would seem.

The two tarrenateks were stuck. They'd both attempted to enter the small room at the same time only to become stuck in the doorway. The monsters roared and snapped at each other violently. It would only be a matter of time before one won out to consume the prisoner.

In a panic, Prisoner scanned the room for something, anything that could aid him. In the center of the small room was a triangular object attached to the floor. For the most part, the room was otherwise empty. Then, a small gleam caught his eye. It was a small metal pole, similar to the one Juhani had given him.

Juhani's words echoed once more within the prisoner's head as he reached for the Sith lightsaber. 'Just what was that supposed to mean? Was this a riddle?' Prisoner held the rod out before him and concentrated. At first nothing happed. Suddenly, there was a snap-hiss sound as a long, red beam of light extended backwards and sliced down the prisoners arms.

The prisoner shrieked and dropped the blasted thing. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt pain. In his box, there never was any pain, or hunger, or fear. Oddly enough, his prison box didn't seem quite so bad anymore.

His cry and the smell of fresh blood rekindled the monsters' interest. Both of them, still stuck in the doorway, flashed their teeth as they eyed their prey hungrily. In a rage, the prisoner yelled. 'Forget this! I was better off confined in my box!'

Finally, one terentatek defeated the other and charged into the room. The helpless prisoner crumpled to the floor, covering his face with his arms. The monster opened its wide mouth. It would surely swallow him whole.

Suddenly, a blinding light accompanied by an ominous hum filled the air. The source lay directly between Prisoner and the temporarily stunned predator. The monsters turned on their heels and fled as the mysterious triangular object blossomed like a flower.

The captivated prisoner stepped forth and gazed at the display. Planets, stars, and other ghostly celestial bodies floated in a large holographic orb. Doubtless, this was the Star Map that he had been sent to find. Although the prisoner in Revan's body waited in awe, nothing happened. After a few minutes, the Star Map deactivated and returned to its unopened state.

'...That's it?' It didn't seem at all to be anything worth risking his life for. A thought dawned on him. Maybe the others saw it this way as well. They didn't want to endanger their lives so they sent him. The prisoner mumbled a rakata swear.

Cautiously, the rakata in human form vacated the room, as quietly as he possibly could. His rear was sore from falling all the time, his head hurt and bore a quickly darkening lump, he had a long shallow cut down one arm, he'd nearly been eaten, he was exhausted, and he needed a change of pants. Really, the prisoner just wanted to go home. But he'd have to get out of this tomb first.

For a while, he was able to navigate the dark passages without incident. Just as he began to think that he was back in an area he recognized, he heard a familiar thundering behind him. The prisoner sighed and sprinted as fast as his awkward human legs would carry him.

Uthar Wynn and Yuthura Ban sat quietly on the cold stone floor exchanging pazzak cards. They'd been waiting for over an hour for the newest Sith-to-be's return. Uthar groaned as he drew a plus five card, twenty-one. Yurthura had won yet again, this time with cards totaling only five in value.

'Cough it up, old man.'

Reluctantly, the master handed over his coveted Twisted Rancor Trio recording. The victorious Twi'lek laughed manically as she added this new prize to her considerable pile of winnings. Idly, she wondered what her master would sing in the shower to now. 'Nothing, that's right. My little friend and I will make certain of that!'

Uthar was sure that his apprentice had been cheating. He'd taught her too well, it seemed. And now, he was out of possessions to gamble with. He gazed longingly at his beloved stuffed gizka that the purple witch was cuddling. He missed 'Hopsy' already. No mater, The Sith master comforted himself, 'Yuthura will be dealt with in short time. Hang in there Hopsy.'

Both Sith stared coldly into the other's yellowed eyes. 'Just you wait until the apprentice returns.'

Suddenly, A scream from down the way startled both Sith to their feet. Each hand instantly reached for holstered lightsabers. They peered into the darkness, searching for any signs of movement.

'What the frang was that?'

The master arched a brow. 'It... sounded like a little girl.'

'AAAIIIEEEEK!' The prisoner screamed as his proctors came into view. He threw something, which master Uthar caught on reflex. As his student ran past him, the master examined his catch. A bloodstained Sith lightsaber.

'Come back here!' Yuthura's order went unnoticed. A nearby rumbling caught the attention of both Sith. Albeit a little too late. The prisoner ignored their agonized screams as he reached daylight. He never stopped running.

Revan, the new prisoner, whistled happily while lounging on a large stone altar. Already, Revan had lost all track of time. All around the Jedi was a vast empty whiteness so bright the former Sith lord was forced to don stylish sunglasses.

As Revan took a sip of an imaginary drink, a thunderous sound and a flash of color beckoned for the Jedi's attention. Revan stood and squinted into the void and soon caught sight of a staggering figure. It was the prisoner, in Revan's form. The real Revan lowered the sunglasses to get a good look at the prisoner.

'Dude! What did you do to me?!' Revan asked as Prisoner drew close. He obviously hadn't been taking care of Revan's body. His borrowed robes were in tatters, he was covered in blood, and he'd given Revan a lump the size of a kinrath egg on the head.

Prisoner lunged forward and hung on Revan's robes. Desperately, he clung to the Jedi and climbed his way upright.

'Go space yourself!' He breathed centimeters from Revan's face.

Revan cocked an eyebrow. 'Excuse me?'

'That-that's what the starship said to the other. Go space yourself.'

The Jedi's eyes narrowed. '... That's not funny.'

Prisoner drew back. 'It doesn't matter, you win! Ha, ha! You win!' The frantic prisoner seemed to be attempting to crawl out of his borrowed skin. 'Take it! Take your body back!'

'Whoa there, calm down.'

'Forget it! Forget it! Your life's too chaotic! It's not safe out there! You people are crazy! Forget it! I want my prison back!' The prisoner doubled over.

Revan stared down at the poor creature. It was a surreal scene. Revan, calmly watching another Revan sob helplessly, in a fetal position, at his feet. The Jedi snapped its fingers. 'Now I remember!' The prisoner stopped mumbling 'I want my prison back,' and stared expectantly up at Revan. 'I think I saw you on Kashyyyk! You were that crazy computer guy,' Revan finished proudly with hands on hips.

'WHAAAH!' Prisoner had no idea what the human was talking about.

'Aw... there, there...' Revan gently lifted the pitiful creature off the ground and carried him towards the stone bed. 'Don't cry.'

'Go space yourself.' Prisoner mumbled. As he was being carried he began to chant. Slowly, the real Revan began to fade from existence. Two meters from the bed, the prisoner collided with the ground, alone again. A faint, disembodied laugh sounded and quickly faded away.

As the returned prisoner rocked himself back and forth on the floor, he could only hope that the next creature to wind up in his prison-box would have a more reasonable lifestyle. He would be pickier about choosing his next host body. There'd be no lightsabesrs, Star Maps, or whiney men in outrageous orange apparel.

Days later, a large slug-like sentient slithered into view. The prisoner warily examined his guest. It introduced itself as Motta, but the prisoner silenced him with one hand before it could say anything more.

'Wait just a minute now.' The prisoner swore he'd never make the same mistake twice. 'What do you do with your life?'

The hutt didn't see that it mattered but decided to answer anyway. 'I run a swoop race track.'

'I don't know what that is. Is it dangerous?'

'Not to me,' Motta laughed. 'Where am I?'

'SHH!' The prisoner considered his visitor. It appeared to be the kind of creature that just sat around all day. Better yet, it lacked legs. ' No tripping.' The prisoner grinned. 'This one will do nicely.'

Thank you for reading my rather long DCC 'what if?' story. I went through several other stories before settling on this one. The idea of drastically departing from cannon sparked many plot gizka.

Not only is this my first time entering the dueling Circle, but this is also my first attempt at comedy. Sorry if I'm not funny.