Second Thoughts

Author's Note: As usual, since it would be unfair for me to be eligible to win a contest that I created, this is a non voting entry. So while votes and reviews are most certainly appreciated by both Dinah and I, they don't count towards winning. Also, Dinah gets all the credit for the excellent Canderous writing, I just wrote the Revan parts.

Also, this was written as an unofficial ending to the Onderon and Onderon 2 roleplays, however hopefully this should be able to stand on it's own.

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It was hard not to fidget, but as the jungle moon Dxun began to fill their front viewscreen, Minuet Avery Revan found it nearly impossible to keep still. Normally she would have indulged her tendency to pace while agitated, but at the moment the small shuttle was stuffed full of her luggage and cargo. Since there wasn't anything else to do except watch Canderous pilot the ship, she was forced to contain her nervous energy and panic to drumming her manicured nails on the control panel in front of her.

Canderous glanced toward her fidgeting hand, then turned back to the viewscreen, frowning. 'Something on your mind?'

There certainly was a lot on her mind, not all of which she was ready or willing to share with him yet, so she chose a relatively safe subject. 'I was just thinking about Bastila. The Council was talking about sending her on another mission. I feel guilty not being there with her, like I've abandoned her to the kath hounds.'

'Bastila's a big girl,' Canderous replied. He began punching in the landing codes. They'd be on Dxun in a matter of minutes.

'I know. And I know she and the others will fine without me.' Min couldn't decide if that was a relief or not. She had to admit that a part of her wanted to be needed by her friends. The idea that they'd be able to resume their lives without her was both depressing and heartening, but ultimately not the thing that was making her so restless.

She sighed and admitted something that was much closer to the truth. 'I knew that leaving our friends would be hard, but I didn't expect leaving the Jedi to be.'

Canderous just grunted, his eyes focused on the instrument panel in front of him. Min settled back into her seat as she tried to articulate why this was bothering her so damn much. 'I was probably the worst Jedi Knight ever, but they were the closest thing I've ever had to a home and family. My whole life I've always been a Jedi.' She grimaced. 'Or fought them. I've never been just... me.'

'Well, now's your chance.' She might have felt more reassured if he'd actually looked at her while he said it.

Min wasn't sure it could be that simple. For someone whose entire life had been defined by the Jedi, the idea of cutting them out completely was nearly overwhelming. Her new freedom should have been liberating, and it was, but another part of her felt strangely lost. The more she thought about it, the more the idea of finding a home among a people she'd sought to destroy seemed impossible.

An uneasy silence settled between them as she sighed and began chewing her lower lip. She stewed in quiet brooding and mounting panic until the ship settled into the camp's docking bay.

Canderous released the controls and leaned back in the pilot's seat. Looking over his shoulder at the shuttle's tightly packed cargo hold, he blew out a long breath. 'This shuttle usually holds a month's provisions for the entire camp.'

Min glanced back at the boxes, unhooked her harness, and rose from the seat. 'It's not that much stuff.' Her lips settled into a defensive frown; she'd tried really hard to bring only the bare necessities. 'I'll have you know I left most of my shoes behind. It nearly killed me.'

Canderous snorted and stretched as he stood. 'I'm sure it'll be a real tragedy when you can't find just the right shoes for slogging through the jungle.'

'Exactly.' She met his gray eyes and said in complete seriousness, 'I hope you appreciate the sacrifice.'

'Yeah, well, don't expect the same from me,' he drawled, picking up his repeater and setting it against his shoulder. 'You'll just have to get used to being second to Vera.' He gave the weapon a fond pat.

Her eyebrow arched, as she considered his rather long list of past lovers. 'As long as she's the only female I'm second to, I don't think we'll have a problem.' As she spoke the words, another doubt wormed its way into her heart. Despite all they'd gone through to get here, she still wondered if he'd be able to settle down with just her, or if one day, he'd grow restless and bored and break her heart.

When she popped the shuttle's hatch, hot, wet air slapped her in the face as she stepped out into the Mandalorian camp. Min frowned, already missing her million-credit Coruscanti penthouse. 'Figures that you'd have your damn camp in the middle of the fracking jungle instead of a nice beach somewhere.'

Canderous scooped up one of the cargo boxes in his free hand and followed her out into the camp. 'Anything else you'd like to bitch about, Your Prissiness?'

'Having standards does not make me prissy.' She followed Canderous through the busy camp where the Mandalorians watched her with open curiosity. She glanced at each face, scanning for acceptance or rejection, but she couldn't read the impassive expressions.

Min hid her doubts behind humor. 'Maybe we could go conquer one. Something like the Rakata planet would work. Nice warm beaches and Rancors to keep the place from becoming too boring.'

'Five minutes in a Mandalorian camp and you're ready to go conquer something.' Canderous shook his head, but he was grinning.

Relaxing a bit, she returned his smile. 'It's all your fault. You're a bad influence, Mandalore.'

'Never claimed to be anything else.' Canderous set her box down in front of the largest bunker, punched a security code into the door panel, and stood aside as the door slid back. He turned to her, his eyes unreadable. 'This is it.'

Min moved forward but paused on the threshold, unable to move, frozen momentarily by an irrational fear to cross into the bunker. Since she wasn't quite capable of speaking, she simply swallowed the lump of panic lodged in her throat, nodded at him, and forced her self to step through the door.

What she saw nearly made her turn around and walk out again. The lone piece of furniture in the gray metal bunker was a workbench piled with weapons either torn apart or half-rebuilt. Crates of parts were piled next to more weapons leaning against the wall. Min did her best to keep the dismay off of her face but it was difficult; she'd seen weapons lockers less spartan.

Sighing, she stepped through the main room toward where she knew the bedroom would be. Preparing herself to see something like field cots or maybe a thin bedroll on the hard metal floor, Min winced as the door slid open.

When she saw the elegant, decadent bed in the center of the otherwise empty room, she couldn't do anything but stare, completely speechless.

Canderous came up behind her and saw her staring at the bed. 'What?' He looked from her to the bed, then shrugged. 'If you don't like it, too bad. I'm not flying your ass to Coruscant to get another one.'

It took her a second to find her voice. 'No, I love it. It's beautiful.' She stepped forward and ran her fingers along the fine silk covering, to reassure herself that it was actually real. 'It just caught me off guard.'

'It wasn't hard to figure out what you'd want. I just asked for the most expensive, ridiculous thing they had.' Canderous crossed the space between them. One of his calloused hands caressed the nape of her neck, and she leaned into him. 'For what I paid for that, it better get put to good use.'

Min shook her head and grinned, amused that Canderous would get her a gift that had everything to do with getting himself laid. 'Somehow I don't think that will be a problem.'

He didn't offer a suggestive remark as she'd expected. When she looked up at him, his gray eyes were serious, as serious as when he talked about the war. 'I didn't do this for one last fling, Min. I'm not unloading all your crap if that's all this is.'

She looked at him for several seconds, before letting out a relieved sigh. It had taken them three long years to get to this moment, and now that she was here, her choice was surprisingly easy.

Maybe she didn't have an identity outside of the Jedi Order. Maybe she couldn't fit in here among a group of people that had once been her bitter enemies. Maybe she couldn't put her old guilt aside and settle into life as Mandalore's mate. Maybe things wouldn't work out between them.

But she'd never know for sure if she let her second thoughts get the better of her.

She caressed the extravagant material again, touched beyond words. Despite what he'd said on the shuttle, he had made a sacrifice. For her.

Min sat down on the bed, staking her claim. 'This isn't a fling. I'm scared, but I'm not a coward, and I'm not about to throw away the best thing that's ever happened to me. So unless you're having second thoughts about taking a prissy ex--Dark Lord as a mate, I'm here to stay.'

For a long moment, he didn't reply. The kiss that followed left Min breathless, speechless, and half topless. And as they made good use of the bed, it was several hours before they got around to unloading the shuttle.