Trial Of The Spirit - Chapter 1 of 4

"We have not received any reports from Master Bindo or Padawan Juhani."

Three figures walked abreast at a casual pace through a corridor leading from a spacecraft landing pad to the inner confines of the sanctuary known as the Jedi Temple. A young, slender brunette human female in neat Jedi Knight robes strode with arms clasped behind her back next to a taller human male who wore ill-fitting Jedi Padawan robes and a head of jet-black hair that seemed determined to look agitated. He, in turn, strode next to an older, blue-skinned Twi'lek male robed in pristine Jedi Master garb who marched politely in step with his other companions. An observer would believe that the Jedi Knight was deferring greatly to the Padawan next to her throughout their discourse, for it was the figure in the center that seemed to be speaking most often. The same observer would also likely notice the wide berth and cautious glances given to this trio by others in the same hallway, and the observer might consider that behavior strange unless they knew the three Jedi in question. For though the elder Twi'lek was held in high regard by many who resided within these walls, his two companions were treated warily. They were the heroes of the galaxy, but they were also once the Jedi Order's greatest living traitors: Bastila Shan and Revan, the latter now going by the name of Lar-bo Ginz.

Many had yet to forget, or to forgive, their treason.

To the young Padawan in the center, Revan was a former self who died in a past that could not be remembered. Lar-bo Ginz consciously accepted the fact that he had once defied the Jedi Council to defend the Republic, only to later embrace the Dark Side of the Force and attempt to conquer the Republic he swore to protect. Although he accepted this as historical fact, the soul of the man he had become never truly believed himself capable of such treachery. However, the evidence was overwhelming, and when the Dark Side of the Force repeatedly tempted him with its seductions, he could feel the presence of another being within him fighting to reclaim his soul, a presence dark and evil. The powerful temptations of the Dark Side had become somewhat easier to resist after the fall of Malak and the Star Forge, and he credited this new strength to the steadfast faith and love of the woman who walked beside him now. What saddened him was the fact that despite all his efforts, the Dark Side's temptations remained, as if the evil power still sought to corrupt his soul and ruin his continuing efforts at redemption. He had been forced to admit to himself that he would never be free of the Dark Side's call, but he could promise himself that he would never again yield to its seductive power.

To Lar-bo Ginz, the elder Twi'lek that walked with them now was the most approachable of the Jedi Masters. Zhar had been the most helpful and encouraging Master during his retraining on Dantooine after the destruction of Taris in the Jedi Civil War. Although Lar-bo came to greatly respect many of the other Jedi Masters in the months that had passed since the defeat of Malak, his respect and trust of Master Zhar surpassed the others. It was Zhar who seemed genuinely concerned for Lar-bo's continuing training and sought to assist it in any way that he could. Zhar was also the most active of the current Jedi Masters in the effort to track down and reclaim many of the Jedi Knights who lost their way and forsook their oaths during the Mandalorian Wars and the Jedi Civil War. Unconsciously, Lar-bo began to consider the Jedi Master his surrogate father. He felt safe confiding his questions, his concerns, and his worries to this Master, and he valued Zhar's advice over all other Masters, except for possibly Master Vandar.

Master Zhar was speaking to Lar-bo Ginz as they walked, giving an answer to the Padawan's previous statement. "Past experience shows that Master Bindo tends to... improvise... when he is on assignment," he said haltingly, making Lar-bo believe that a less flattering phrase was originally on the Jedi Master's lips. "A lack of regular reports is not cause for concern. I am sure that if he or his Padawan discover any new information, we will hear of it."

Lar-bo nodded his head, although the gesture would not have been seen as complete acceptance by an eavesdropper to the conversation. "Then I am afraid that we are at a 'dead end' for the moment, Master," Lar-bo conceded. "Aside from the two former Jedi on the moon of Yavin that we managed to persuade to return with us, I am afraid the trail has gone cold."

"How goes their progress, Master?" asked Bastila Shan, referring to the former Jedi that Lar-bo mentioned.

Master Zhar initially offered a non-committal shrug of his shoulders as a response. He then added, "Their actions seem genuine, but their intentions remain a mystery. Either they are rather simple minded and think of very little besides food and sleep, or they are using a very advanced mind shielding technique that we cannot break without alerting them to our observation or causing them significant distress. Therefore, we are keeping them under routine surveillance for the time being."

"Master, they came to our defense on Yavin," Bastila reminded Zhar.

"I have studied your report in great detail," Zhar admitted. "It is because of your recommendation that we still grant them access to the Temple and its facilities. However, prudence demands that we do not give them complete unsupervised access, just as prudence demanded the same with you on Dantooine, Lar-bo Ginz," he finished, turning his attention briefly to the Padawan between himself and Bastila Shan.

Lar-bo nodded, seeing the precaution was a wise one. "I just hope that they know that redemption is possible, Master, as Bastila and I promised."

"We have made every effort to make sure they understand that option exists, Padawan. However, that gift must be earned, as it was in your case."

After a couple of strides in silence, Bastila asked the Jedi Master, "Is there any word of other Jedi who joined the Republic during the Mandalorian Wars, Master? Have any of them returned?"

Master Zhar's quiet sigh conveyed all the answer that Bastila required. Nevertheless, the Jedi Master replied, "A few, but too few. Perhaps many have truly fallen to the Dark Side. Perhaps others consider themselves unworthy to return. I also do not doubt that the exile of Lista Junos increases their concerns of returning."

Lar-bo could practically hear the muscles and sinews tensing in Bastila's neck when her old friend's name was mentioned. Out of respect for Master Zhar's station than any other reason, Lar-bo was sure that Bastila swallowed whatever response she had and seethed momentarily in silence. The Jedi Exile was a dangerous subject to mention within Bastila's earshot. Although Lar-bo had no memory of the former Republic general, he was well aware of Bastila's deep friendship with her and the continuing anger Bastila felt at her punishment.

Seemingly ignorant of Bastila's tethered frustration, Master Zhar continued to mutter. Lar-bo at first believed that the old Master was reminiscing more to himself than speaking to his two companions. "Once, we Jedi numbered in the thousands, and even that great enrollment seemed too few to guard peace and justice within the Republic. With our current count, our mission is nearly impossible."

Both Bastila and Lar-bo turned their heads towards the Jedi Master to look at him with genuine concern. Zhar rarely allowed pessimism to show in his manner or speech, and his last words carried more than a hint of despair, which shocked both of his companions. Sensing their concern without needing to see it, the elder Twi'lek sighed. "As Master Dorak could no doubt tell you, the extent of the Republic began to exceed the ability of the Jedi to adequately guard it decades or centuries ago. Sadly, that meant that we Jedi were forced -- regrettably, reluctantly -- to be selective in the crises to which we responded. And thus began our downward spiral."

"Master?" Lar-bo asked with genuine curiosity. The "spiral" that Master Zhar mentioned was a mystery to him.

"No doubt you encountered many in your recent exploits who were... hesitant to trust the Jedi," Master Zhar correctly guessed. The disrespect of some Dantooine settlers and Carth Onasi's original skepticism of Bastila's intentions came immediately into Lar-bo's recollection. Continuing his explanation, Master Zhar said, "Some of that is a person's natural distrust of that which they cannot understand or control; to many, the ability of Jedi to control the Force is as frightening as it is awe-inspiring. But some of that distrust was born from our inability to be everywhere we needed to be. Many relied upon us, and we were unable to assist in times of need. The size of the Republic and the inability to stop time made it impossible to be everywhere all the time. Those who do not understand the Force believed that our ability to use the Force should have compensated somehow for that shortcoming. After a time, the Republic began to feel that we were neglecting our responsibilities, a belief that some Senators eager to increase their own influence were not hesitant to voice. That led some Jedi Councils to tend towards isolationism, since our efforts to protect a Republic growing beyond our reach was going largely unappreciated. We never neglected our duties," Zhar insisted for a moment, "but we had to become selective in those crises that we chose to address, since we could not possibly address them all. Many who we could not help saw this as abandonment. Because we needed to be selective, 'lesser' evils were permitted to linger while the Jedi combatted the larger ones. The tendrils of these 'lesser' evils took root and soon became greater ones that we could not weed out: the Hutt slave trade, spice smuggling, and the Exchange, for example."

After a few more paces in silence, Master Zhar added, "I am sure that the Republic has a differing opinion on the circumstance and where the fault lies. But the sad truth was this: the ranks of the Jedi were spread too thin to guard the galaxy. Evil could therefore take root and flourish. The Republic blames us for shirking our responsibility, and at times, we blame the Republic for not checking its advance until it was prepared to guard itself. Even with thousands of Jedi, we were not equal to the task. Now, with our ranks numbering barely over one hundred, the task before us is daunting." Again, Master Zhar released a sigh of frustration. "We need more Padawan trainees. Wneed more Knights capable of training them. And we need a curriculum that instills greater faith in the Force, so that the newer generations of Jedi will not forsake the Jedi Code in a moment of crisis."

The Jedi Master's personal lament awoke a dormant sentiment in the Padawan Consular's heart. Along with the ever-present doubt that nagged him, Lar-bo would also on occasion wonder about his place within the current Jedi Order. On Dantooine, he had been made a Padawan and entrusted to Bastila's tutelage. On Rakata Prime, Master Vandar pronounced him the 'prodigal Knight'. Although he was sure that he was no longer a Padawan in actual fact, he was not certain whether the Order considered him a full Jedi Knight, nor was he sure if the Order was willing to accept him as one.

Conflicting desires were always awakened within him whenever this question arose. He wished to prove to everyone -- himself not the least -- that Lar-bo Ginz was the Jedi Knight that Revan should have always been. Passing the Jedi Trials of Knighthood might serve as a demonstration of that fact. However, he was not so naive that he believed other Knights -- those who had suffered great hardship and loss during Revan's betrayal -- would consider that 'Revan' had served enough penance to be allowed the opportunity to join the ranks of official Jedi Knights. Out of consideration for the Jedi Order that his former self had all but destroyed, Lar-bo had been reluctant to mention the subject of full Knighthood with any of the Jedi Masters, including one he trusted as much as Master Zhar. He trusted that, in the fullness of time, his answer would come.

For a moment, Lar-bo wondered if the Jedi Master's words were intended to breech this uncomfortable subject, but he did not feel assured in assuming this. He believed that Zhar would have been more direct if the Jedi Master intended to discuss any possibility of Knighthood. Still, Zhar rarely spoke without purpose, so there must have been a reason why he mentioned the need for additional Jedi Knights. Somehow, he felt that Zhar was hinting at something, and that perhaps Lar-bo and Bastila could assist him in addressing this need that the Master evidently saw. Lar-bo tried to force his thoughts away from the topic, but the doubts and desires were too loud to be silenced. The servant of Light within him yearned for the reward of Knighthood, considering it evidence that someone besides Bastila believed 'Revan' was vanquished. The trio walked for a few paces in silence. Finally, Lar-bo's curiosity gained enough strength to overcome his trepidation. "Master Zhar," he began in a hesitant voice, "did Revan ever complete the Trials of Knighthood?"

Master Zhar's voice was as patient as ever. "No, your former self never did complete the Trials."

Lar-bo considered this answer and walked a few more paces in silence as he tried to formulate his next request. As his mind worked, he was aware of Bastila growing ever more nervous beside him. He guessed that she sensed the question forming in his brain, and he momentarily wondered why Bastila would be afraid. After a moment, he thought he understood her concern, which he believed reflected his own secret fear. If his unspoken request was granted, he risked a face-to-face encounter with his hated self again in the final test of knighthood: Darth Revan.

A grimace surfaced on Lar-bo's face, resembling the look of someone who realized that they had taken a step without looking first where that step led, only to find himself up to his knees in dianoga-infested waters. Only a fool would think that Master Zhar would not guess Lar-bo's motive behind his original question. Whether it was a foolish choice or not, Lar-bo decided to continue, knowing that some response on his part was expected. "Does the Council consider me unfit to undergo the Trials now, Master?"

Unexpectedly, Master Zhar smiled slightly and gave a slight shake of his head. "The Jedi Council sees no need for you to undergo the Trials, Lar-bo Ginz."

The Jedi Master's reply was not one of the two dozen possible answers that Lar-bo Ginz had expected from his request. His body reflected his complete confusion by staggering out of step with his two companions for an instant. His mind tried to formulate a coherent response, but words tumbled out of his mouth in confusion before he was ready. "But... that means.. I... I don't understand, Master. Am I to be denied the chance to become a Knight?"

Master Zhan seemed to find some mild humor in the Padawan's confusion. After a small chuckle, the elder Twi'lek replied, "The Council feels that you met the criteria for the Trials when Malak was defeated. Anything further would be unnecessary formality."

During the time that Lar-bo Ginz was trained as a Jedi Padawan on Dantooine, he had learned of the four Trials to Jedi knighthood. His mind was still confused, for he could not equate the four Trials to episodes in the defeat of Malak and the Sith. "Forgive me, Master Zhar, but I still fail to see."

Master Zhar nodded politely and began to explain. "You know, of course, the four Trials: the Trial of Skill; the Trial of the Flesh; the Trial of Courage; and the Trial of the Spirit. You also know that normally, these trials are conducted under the supervision of the Jedi Council. But the Jedi Council knows that any trial we could prepare for you, Lar-bo Ginz, would pale in comparison to the trials that you have already faced and passed." As Lar-bo opened his mouth to speak, Master Zhar quickly added, "And before you remind me that your success during the quest for the Star Maps would have been impossible without Bastila's help, I ask you to consider these points."

Lar-bo swallowed the interjection that had almost escaped his lips, for Master Zhar had correctly guessed his words. Lar-bo believed that any success he had during the Jedi Civil War had been thanks to Bastila's continued vigilance in subduing Darth Revan, his evil former self that was hidden away in some forgotten chamber of his mind. Without her intervention, Lar-bo Ginz was certain that Darth Revan would have resurfaced long before the battle aboard the Leviathan. Bastila had paid dearly for that sacrifice, nearly losing her soul to the Dark Side because of her continual exposure to the festering radiation of the Sith Lord buried in the amnesia of Lar-bo's head.

"You faced a Trial of Skill -- a duel with a manifestation of the Dark Side -- when you defeated Juhani in single lightsaber combat in the Dantooine plains, if not at countless other times during your quest," the Jedi Master explained. "The Trial of the Flesh -- overcoming great pain or loss -- occurred when you faced Bastila in combat at the Temple on Rakata Prime and accepted the possibility that she was lost to the Darkness. You passed the Trial of Courage -- facing a superior opponent in battle and defeating it -- several times in the Star Forge, most notably when you defeated Malak. And I don't think that I need to point out how you fared in the Trial of the Spirit, where you look inside yourself and face who you really are. If any Jedi that has ever lived has ever overcome a greater Trial of the Spirit than you, Lar-bo Ginz, I would be most eager to learn of that person." [1]

Lar-bo nodded once in polite but forced confirmation. The Jedi Master's response made logical sense; in every event that Master Zhar described, Bastila had been unable to aid him in any fashion. But doubt still nagged at him. "Thank you for enlightening me, Master. But if I may be permitted to speak frankly, I cannot help but wonder if the rest of the Jedi Order will see things in the manner you describe them. Perhaps I need to undergo the formality of a Trial to satisfy their criteria. If I did not, would not the other Knights see this as another concession made by the Jedi Council to my..." He stammered, searching for a polite phrase to summarize the last year of his existence. "...Special circumstances?"

"I think that you underestimate your brothers and sisters in the Order," Master Zhan cautioned in a gentle voice. "Many have already heard of your exploits since Bastila rescued you. I will confess that many fear that you have not been fully cleansed of the Darkness and that you may once again transform into the Dark Lord. However, many also marvel at the circumstances you overcame and wonder if they could have done the same. I think that you find few voices of complaint once you are formally made a Jedi Knight." After a step in silence, Master Zhar added an afterthought. "Although there will be voices of protest. It would be foolish of me to mislead you on that point. I am afraid that there will be those within the Order and on the Council that will always doubt you, no matter what labors of atonement you complete."

Again, Lar-bo nodded. "Frankly, Master, I cannot say that I blame them. I wonder if I could truly forgive myself if I were in their place."

"Which is proof enough to me that you are no longer Revan," Zhar replied. "Your former self would have been less compassionate to the doubts and concerns of others."

"Thank you, Master," Lar-bo answered out of politeness more than acceptance. He doubted that compassion alone was reasonable proof that Revan's past did not taint Lar-bo's present. Perhaps the Jedi Master sensed something that Lar-bo could not sense in himself, or perhaps Master Zhar was simply offering encouragement. In either case, Lar-bo decided it was best to simply accept his words and not to burden the Jedi Master more with his own doubts.

The trio proceeded along the corridor for a few more steps in silence. As his mind returned to a more relaxed state, Lar-bo became aware of Bastila's troubled thoughts beside him. Cautiously, he stretched out with his mind, trying to capture the merest glimpse of what bothered her. It did not seem to be the same doubt that he noticed earlier when he first inquired about taking the Trials of Knighthood, for her thoughts then had been worries for Lar-bo. Now, he sensed a great deal of self doubt. He turned his head to face the woman he loved walking beside him.

Before Lar-bo could utter a sound, Master Zhar spoke. "You wish to say something, Bastila?"

Lar-bo turned his gaze back to the Jedi Master. Zhar was looking straight ahead and seemingly unconcerned. However, it was plain that Master Zhar sensed the same tension about Bastila that Lar-bo had felt.

After a step in silence, Bastila spoke unexpectedly loudly, as if she were trying to force her voice to sound strong and convicted. "Yes, Master, I do," she began. Staring ahead of her, she continued, "I should like to request that the Council permit me to take the Trials of Knighthood."

---

Lar-bo spluttered in spite of himself. "Wh...? But... but you're already an Knight, aren't you?" he said, turning his head back quickly to face Bastila.

Master Zhar replied in a manner that ignored Lar-bo's words. Continuing to face straight ahead, he answered slowly. "Hmmm. This is an unusual request, Bastila..."

With his mind still tumbling in shocked confusion, Lar-bo turned again quickly to the Jedi Master walking on his left. "But Bastila is already a Knight, is she not?"

"Things have changed since the War," Bastila interrupted in a forced voice. "I am not the same person I once was. I believe that I must undergo the Trials once again."

"But...!" Lar-bo began to complain.

"Yes, an unusual request indeed," Master Zhar muttered as he continued to ignore Lar-bo. "But a request that speaks well of your wisdom and your heart, Bastila Shan. Are you certain that you wish to ask this of the Jedi Council?"

"But..!" Lar-bo spluttered once again in protest, his gaze volleying back to the Jedi Master. A headache was beginning to throb in his temples from the continual twisting of his head from Master Zhar on his left to Bastila Shan on his right.

"Yes, Master, I do," Bastila replied, also ignoring Lar-bo's protest.

Lar-bo swallowed the bitter-tasting complaint that was begging to be shouted from his lips, since it was plain to him that his opinion had no place in the current conversation. Instead, he simply strode in silence and felt his face burn as his frustration gathered momentum within him and his complaint lodged like a rock in his throat.

Master Zhar continued to look forward, but a smile of pride worked its way onto his face. "I shall speak to the Council presently on this matter. I must leave you both now." He stopped and bowed respectfully to them. "Good day to you both."

Imbedded ritual overcame Lar-bo's frustration and confusion, allowing him to bow respectfully in response to the Jedi Master and offer the usual parting of, "May the Force be with you." Bastila acted in like fashion.

Lar-bo stood in the center of the corridor, his body facing Bastila while his head looked over his left shoulder and watched Master Zhar disappear down the corridor. Once the Jedi Master was out of earshot, he turned back to face the woman who he had been recently calling his 'wife'. Bastila stared hard back at him. He knew that his own eyes were harsh, but that realization did not force him to soften his glare. "What was all that about?," he demanded.

Bastila's eyes bored holes in her husband's face. "It's about redemption, the same thing you were looking for a few moments ago." Her eyes then narrowed and she accused, "Or perhaps you don't think that I deserve redemption?"

"You don't need it!," Lar-bo complained in a voice that he struggled to keep from shouting. He resisted the biological urge to fling his arms in disbelief about him, but without that release, his muscles began to shake with unreleased kinetic energy. "You've made sacrifices greater than any Jedi in history! You've defeated foes that none of them dared to face! You don't have to prove anything to anybody!"

"Yes, I do!" Bastila replied in a forced whisper through gritted teeth.

"To whom?," Lar-bo asked. "Vrook? Atris?"

"To ME!," Bastila shouted. The echo of her answer reverberated for long moments and drew a curtain of uneasy silence about them as everyone's attention was drawn to the pair.

Her words stunned Lar-bo into complete and confused silence for long moments, a confusion that he was sure was evident on his face. He had thought tat he understood Bastila's intentioned in retaking the Trials: to demonstrate to those on the Jedi Council who doubted her since her fall that she was still Jedi. With two simple words, Bastila destroyed that false impression. Slowly, his brain began to comprehend, and he found that he did not agree with her at all. Lar-bo reached out to take her by the shoulders gently, but Bastila roughly shrugged to prevent him from taking hold of her.

"A hug's not going to make this go away," she growled. Despite the low volume of her voice, it echoed in the corridor. Noticing this, Bastila looked up and found that everyone about them was eyeing them nervously. She turned her frustration upon the silent onlookers. "DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?!" she barked at them, the walls of the corridor shaking under the strength of her voice.

Cautiously, the others in the hallway began to slowly move away, everyone occasionally glancing back at the pair of them. Never in his recollection had Bastila's anger caused her to lose control of her composure as she had at that moment. With one heartbeat, Lar-bo's heart was emptied of confusion and frustration, and then refilled with compassion and concern for Bastila. Any emotional anguish she felt always seemed to wound him twice as much as any fear or pain of his own.

His voice now mirrored the emotions in his heart. "You don't need to prove anything to anyone, including yourself," he said gently. "If anyone in the Jedi Order exemplifies the Jedi Code, it is you. You are the model of everything they stand for. Who else could have rescued 'Revan'? Name me one other Jedi who wouldn't have let me die choking on vacuum! You offered salvation to a soul that was beyond redemption..."

"That person died on the Leviathan!" Bastila complained, her face turning red in barely controlled fury. The heat radiating from her body could have boiled water instantly. "That Jedi Knight failed her true Trial of the Spirit when she surrendered to Malak! In spite of all her arrogant, pompous, self-righteous words she kept spouting about the dangers of the Dark Side and not falling into its trap, when it came time to put those words into action, she failed!"

"She did not die on the Leviathan," Lar-bo countered in a voice that he hoped sounded reassuring. "That Jedi Knight stands before me today. That Knight sacrificed herself on the Leviathan so that Revan could be saved a second time and the Republic could survive. That sacrifice was noble, brave, and unselfish. Seeing that it was made to save the former Dark Lord, it was a sacrifice that I'm sure no other Jedi would have considered worthy to make. She..." His voice broke for a moment as his brain fought hard to put her fall to the Dark Side in the best possible context. "She... faltered against the Dark Side only because she was poisoned by 'Revan' all that time, but she came back to us on the Star Forge. Without her... without you, the Jedi Knight that stands before me now, the battle would have been ultimately lost."

"The fact that we won the battle does not erase the fact that I failed when it mattered most," Bastila grumbled, her face now glowing with the same red aura as a Sith's lightsaber.

Lar-bo flung his arms wide in disbelief. "Who could have withstood Malak and the full power of the Dark Side under torture?! Vandar and Kavar? Maybe, but could Dorak? Could Vrook? Certainly not Atris. You're setting a standard for yourself that not even the Jedi Masters could meet!"

"You withstood it," Bastila fired back. Lar-bo now saw tears of self-loathing coming to her eyes. "The full power of the Dark Side fell upon you in the Star Forge and you emerged unscathed."

Lar-bo hardly considered his near surrender to the remnants of Revan in his soul while walking the depths of the Star Forge to be as far from Bastila's description of "unscathed" as possible. He had never fully confided to her the temptations that tormented him during those final battles, and how, at the end, he nearly surrendered to the call of the Darkness once again in order to defeat Malak. Bastila had suffered enough during her fall to the Dark Side. Lar-bo had no intention of furthering that sorrow by giving even the smallest hint of the temptations that tore at his soul during those final confrontations, for he was certain that Bastila would blame herself and her fall for that circumstance.

Instead, Lar-bo repeated the only words he ever spoke to her of those final battles. "I only emerged as a servant of the Light because of your training and your love. Without them, I would have fallen under the Dark Side's sway as Revan did before me." Once again, he stretched his hands out to hold her by the shoulders, and this time, Bastila did not resist him. "Remember, the Council wiped my mind clean, but that's all they did. They didn't make me a Jedi; they made me a vegetable. I was a blank slate when you and Carth Onasi got a hold of me. Everything I learned, all my skill and strength, my motivation and drive, all of it came from him and from you. How could you have failed if the Jedi you taught was strong enough to defeat Malak?"

"Don't give me the credit for the man you became," Bastila said in a disheartened voice. "I could train you, but I couldn't give you the drive you had or the moral code by which you lived. That came from someplace deep in you that I could not influence. I watched that person blossom and grow, and I realized as I watched you how much greater you were than I was."

He shook his head slightly. "I'll give you credit, because you and Carth deserve it," Lar-bo insisted gently as he took a small step closer to Bastila. He could feel her body trembling in his hands, and it agonized him that he could not find the words to remove her self-hatred and pain. It was incredibly obvious to him that Bastila was a true Jedi Knight, and the fact that he could not persuade her to see that reality tore his heart open. "Where did I learn my values, if not from you and Carth? The Council left me a shell of a man. The three of us built Lar-bo Ginz from that lifeless lump of clay. You instilled in me the Jedi Code and the respect for it, something that all of Revan's previous instructors failed to do. That, more than anything, shows your commitment to the Light, because only a Jedi strong with the Light Side of the Force could have transformed the former Sith Lord back into a servant of the Light. You're the greatest Jedi of our generation."

Finally, Bastila was unable to manage a response to him. He could see the despair wash over her face and her emotions surrender to her self-loathing. Desiring only to comfort her and soothe her pain, he wrapped his arms about her and held her close. He heard Bastila sniffle for a moment against his robes, and then her muffled voice reached his ears. "You're only saying this because you love me."

"Bantha squat," Lar-bo replied as he gently tightened his arms about her. "It's the truth that you've only temporarily forgotten."

Her breathing became more controlled, but Lar-bo could sense that her mind was no less troubled. She turned her head slightly so that she could speak more freely. He heard her voice again, sounding scared and vulnerable. "Lar-bo, don't you wish that there were no more doubts in your own heart? Don't you wish to know once and for all whether Revan is truly dead?"

"Of course," he replied. Bastila knew the answer to that question better than he did.

"No matter how many times I tell you that you need not worry about Revan ever again?" she continued.

Lar-bo began to understand the point to where she was trying to lead him. "Bas..."

"Please, my love, answer me," she whispered. "Truthfully."

Lar-bo swallowed, and wondered once again why the truth was always difficult to force down the throat and upsetting to the stomach. Knowing that his wife's heart was too vulnerable to endure the lie he wished to utter, he granted her wish and said simply, "Yes."

"Don't you think that I have the same doubts about myself?" she asked in a small voice filled with uncertainty. "That when you and I confront the Dark Side once again, my resolve will fail and I'll surrender again to it?"

"I have no doubts," Lar-bo replied truthfully, trying to dissuade her from reaching the conclusion he knew she wanted to reach. "I have seen your true heart. I know the real you. I don't doubt you."

"But I do," she said. She then angled her face up to look into his eyes. Her doubt and fear were plainly visible in her eyes, and for a moment, Lar-bo wondered if those emotions had always been there, waiting for him to notice them, begging for him to see them, while he ignored them and paid heed only to his own inner demons. "These doubts frighten me. And I can see that same doubt and uncertainty in every other Jedi's eyes when they look at me. Maybe Zhar was correct when he said that others in the Order wonder whether they could have overcome the trials you faced. But I can see it in their eyes, Lar-bo; they all think that they never would have submitted to Malak's will or fallen to the Dark Side. They all think I was weak. They all think that I failed."

"Who cares what they think?" Lar-bo asked softly. "I know the truth. It doesn't matter whether they know it or not."

"It mattered to you a few moments ago when you asked if you should take the Trials."

Lar-bo felt the truth of her words but sidestepped them. "If everyone thinks you failed, they don't understand what you faced," he replied gently. "And they forget that you had a twenty-Republic-standard-ton rock around your mind called 'Darth Revan' weighing you down all the time."

"Love," Bastila said in a completely vulnerable voice, "*I* think I failed. I need to prove myself again, to me. I can't take the uncertainty. I feel the doubt in every move I make, in every decision I face. If I don't do this, the doubts will consume and control me. You understand," she asked, looking pleadingly into his eyes. "Don't you?"

"Completely," Lar-bo answered, for he did understand. He knew how self-doubt could plague one's soul, how it could wake you screaming from a sound sleep, or how it could lock your muscles with fear when your life depended upon swift and decisive action. He also understood that no matter how often someone you loved begged you not to worry about the fears that trouble your heart, your heart would refuse to listen to that advice.

He closed his eyes slowly and silently berated himself for somehow missing this fear and doubt that Bastila carried with her since the battle in the Star Forge. How could he profess to love this woman more than his own life, yet still be so oblivious to something that troubled her so much? Was he taking her for granted? Was he so consumed by his own afflictions that he never paid any attention to his wife? How long had she been shouldering this massive burden on her own? What kind of a husband was so ignorant of his wife's pain? "I'm sorry," he muttered in a poor approximation of an apology. "Here I am, leaning on you all the time, not paying attention to the weight you're carrying. Some husband I turned out to be."

"Don't say that," Bastila whispered. "I've... I've been trying to hide it from you. I thought you'd think you were to blame for all this..."

"Of course I am," he said in regret.

"This isn't about blame, my love," Bastila interrupted him. "I don't blame you. And I don't regret for an instant falling in love with you or being your wife. You're the only one in the universe who can understand how I feel about this. You're the only one who's gone through this. Everyone else simply passes judgment based on what they think they might have done in my place. You offer me sympathy and love based on what you know you've done. You know what I'm enduring, because you endured it yourself. You understand where they cannot. And you understand why I need to do this."

Lar-bo forced a smile to his lips. He only wished to remove her agony somehow. "I do, my love. If there were some way that I could..."

"Shhh....", Bastila said, putting a finger slowly to his lips. "You've faced your Trial. It is time for me to face mine. You cannot do that for me."

Lar-bo gently pushed her finger aside. "Any Trial you take will be a mere formality. I meant it when I said you were the greatest Jedi of our generation. If you think that taking the Trials again is necessary, then go for it. You'll pass through with no problem at all, and I'll support your efforts every step of the way."

"I know you will," Bastila replied.

Lar-bo felt that he needed to immediately demonstrate that his love for her was still as present and strong as ever. A commanding, internal voice shouted at him to let Bastila know that nothing had changed between them, that he had no doubts in her or her love. "I am so proud of you, my love." He lowered his head towards Bastila.

"They're watching," Bastila cautioned with a nervous smile, referring to the other people walking through the same corridor.

"Do I look like I care?" Lar-bo asked, continuing to lower his face to hers and seeking out her lips with his own.

---

[1] Author's Note and Thanks: Revan's four Trials are based upon information furnished courtesy of the Wookieepedia (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jedi_trials).