The Padawans of Penzance

A/N: Apologies to Jedi DWH; I didn't realise she had already written a parody of 'A Modern Major-General' before me. However, I hope mine is different enough from hers that it will still be amusing.

"When a Jedi's not engaged in her employment"

Spare a thought for the Sith troopers on Taris, toiling loyally away for their Dark Lord, only to be blown to smithereens in his futile attempt to kill Bastila...

SITH COMMANDER
When a Jedi's not engaged in her employment, (Her employment)
And is trying not to let herself be found, ('Self be found)
By the time that we've completed our deployment (Our deployment)
She's certain to have vanished underground. (Underground.)
We try our best to conquer our frustrations (Our frustrations)
When there's military duty to be done, (To be done)
But our mission's running into complications -- (Complications...)
A Sith Trooper's lot is not a happy one!

CHORUS
Oh, when there's military duty to be done, to be done
A Sith Trooper's lot is not a happy one.
(Happy one.)

SITH COMMANDER
When Republic troops are hiding in the city, (In the city)
When they've slipped the grasp of every Sith platoon, (Sith platoon)
The situation won't be looking pretty (Looking pretty)
If we don't get on and find them pretty soon! (Pretty soon.)
They say Lord Malak's running out of patience, (Out of patience)
And I've heard he blows up planets just for fun, (Just for fun)
When our mission's running into complications, (Complications...)
A Sith Trooper's lot is not a happy one!

CHORUS
Oh, when there's military duty to be done, to be done
A Sith Trooper's lot is not a happy one.
(Happy one.)

"I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian"

The scene: A gang of Dark Jedi confronts the party as they are searching for the first Star Map. Just as the others are preparing to do battle, Bastila steps forward...

BASTILA
Hold, monsters! Ere the members of your sorry band
Proceed to drag us all to Korriban,
Just bear in mind that we are Jedi Padawans,
And our crewmate is a Mandalorian!

DARK JEDI (sarcastic)
We'd better pause, and reassess our plan!
Their crewmate is a Mandalorian!

ALL
Yes, yes, he is a Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS
Yes, yes, I am a Mandalorian!

CARTH
For he is a Mandalorian!

ALL
He is; hurrah for the Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Mandalorian!

ALL
It is! Hurrah for the Mandalorian,
Hurrah for the Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS
I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian,
I wipe the floor with mercenaries human and Gamorrean,
I know our code of honour, and I quote the battles glorious
From Coruscant to Malachor, with diligence laborious.
I'm happy to regale you all with details of our finest raids,
I'll bore you half insane with talk of battle droids and stun grenades,
About our many victories I brim with trivialities,
With many cheerful facts about the number of fatalities!

ALL
With many cheerful facts about the number of fatalities,
With many cheerful facts about the number of fatalities,
With many cheerful facts about the number of fatali-talities!

CANDEROUS
I'm very good at strategy and calculations tactical,
I'm excellent at theory and better at the practical,
In short, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,
I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

ALL
In short, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,
He is the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS
I know our recent history, Darth Revan's and the Mandalore's,
The downfall of our leader, who'd been beaten by no man before;
I quote our guiding principles at every opportunity,
The weak and the contemptible I slaughter with impunity.
I can tell Echani weaponry from Zabrak and Arkanian,
I've armour fit for outer space or climates subterranean,
Then I can use a blaster withan aptitude so staggering,
I really can't be blamed for the occasional swaggering!

ALL
He really can't be blamed for the occasional swaggering,
He really can't be blamed for the occasional swaggering,
He really can't be blamed for the occasional swagger-swaggering!

CANDEROUS
Then I can write a battle chant in Aurebesh or Rodian,
And understand the language of a Jawa or Neimodian;
In short, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,
I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

ALL
In short, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,
He is the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS
In fact, when I know what is meant by all the Jedi prattling,
When I can find a cause to give some purpose to our battling,
When I can see there's more to life then being just a warrior,
And when for all my crimes I'm maybe just a little sorrier;
When I have learned why Jagi is so eager to be rid of me,
When I have more concern for others' feelings than a kid of three,
In short, when I've a vague idea of what could be worth fighting for,
You'll say that such a Mandalorian might be worth sighting more!

ALL
You'll say that such a Mandalorian might be worth sighting more,
You'll say that such a Mandalorian might be worth sighting more,
You'll say that such a Mandalorian might be worth sighting, sighting more!

CANDEROUS
For my military knowledge is so thorough and meticulous,
To waste it all on lesser foes seems utterly ridiculous;
But still, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,
I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

ALL
But still, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,
He is the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

"Oh false one, you have deceived me"

The scene: Revan has just discovered the secret of his true identity from Malak, and he is not happy...

REVAN
Oh false one, you have deceived me!

BASTILA
I have deceived you?

REVAN
Yes, deceived me!
I thought I was a normal guy --

BASTILA
You were when you first met me.

REVAN
But now I find it's all a lie!

BASTILA
I knew where it would get me!

REVAN
My trust in you you did betray,

BASTILA
Oh, how it did upset me!

REVAN
The ugly truth you would not say!

BASTILA
The Council wouldn't let me.

REVAN
Faithless woman, to deceive me,
I who trusted so!

BASTILA
Revan, Revan, do not leave me,
Hear me ere you go!

REVAN
Faithless woman!

BASTILA
Revan, Revan...

REVAN
Faithless woman!

BASTILA
Revan, Revan...

BASTILA / REVAN
Do not leave me, do not leave me, / Faithless woman, to deceive me,
Hear me ere you go! / I who trusted so!
Do not leave me, do not leave me, / Faithless woman, to deceive me,
Hear me ere you go! / I who trusted so!

BASTILA
My tale without reflecting,
Oh, do not be rejecting!
Malak tried to kill you,
But I had to save your life.
Your memories remaining
Could end, with careful retraining,
Years of war and strife,
Years of war and strife.

BASTILA / REVAN
Pity then my Masters, / Yes, your Jedi Masters
Faced with such disaster; / Would not risk disaster;
With so many lives at stake / You've made it very clear whose fate
Our duty, it was clear. / Was more important here!
Our Order unending / You have stood unbending,
Has stood, these worlds defending, / The Galaxy defending,
Twenty thousand years, / Twenty thousand years!
Twenty thousand years.

REVAN
Faithless woman, to deceive me,
I who trusted so!

BASTILA / REVAN
Revan, Revan, do not leave me, / Faithless woman, to deceive me,
Hear me ere you go! / I who trusted so!

A/N: This one is from H.M.S. Pinafore.

"When I was a lad I took a trip"

SAUL
When I was a lad I took a trip,
A duty tour on a Republic ship.
I cleaned my cabin and I shone my boots,
And I went out on parade with all the new recruits.

CHORUS
He went out on parade with all the new recruits.

SAUL
I went out on parade so consistently,
That now I am the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS
He went out on parade so consistently,
That now he is the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL
On that first tour I made such a mark
That for several more voyages I did embark.
I led my troops with a skill so rare,
And I carried out my duties with the greatest care.

CHORUS
He carried out his duties with the greatest care.

SAUL
I carried out my duties with a will so free,
That now I am the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS
He carried out his duties with a will so free,
That now he is the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL
In leading troops I made such a name
That a senior officer I soon became;
I led campaigns against the Mandalore
For the Jedi known as Malak, when he joined the war.

CHORUS
For the Jedi known as Malak, when he joined the war.

SAUL
The Jedi known as Malak was so good to me,
That now I am the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS
The Jedi known as Malak was so good to he,
That now he is the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL
As Malak's officer I proved such an ace
That when he returned from unknown space,
I was quick to see the Sith would win,
And with Malak's cause I threw my lot in!

CHORUS
And with Malak's cause he threw his lot in!

SAUL
And that kind of cause so suited me,
That now I am the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS
And that kind of cause so suited he,
That now he is the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL
I proved so loyal that I was sent
To Republic areas to crush dissent.
I razed whole planets at my Dark Lord's call,
And I never thought to question his commands at all.

CHORUS
He never thought to question his commands at all.

SAUL
I'd so few questions, he rewarded me
By making me the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS
He'd so few questions, he rewarded he
By making him the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL
Now soldiers all, wherever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If you don't want to end up a Republic tool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.

CHORUS
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.

SAUL
Jump ship while you can, and leave them all at sea,
And you all may be leaders of the Sith armee!

CHORUS
Jump ship while you can, and leave them all at sea,
And you all may be leaders of the Sith armee!