Irreversible

Tonight, I resolved to become a murderer. Some would condemn me for it, but history will not, I will not, she will not. No one will blame me when they're gone. The woman, the wicked old woman is crawling inside of my head, I can't allow it anymore. She knows who I was at Malachor, knows who I killed, when I killed, and for what reasons I killed. She knows who I betrayed. Why.

I'm fractured, I'll admit it. Impossible, I say. I feel her in my head, more, even after she is dead, even after I have caught her by surprise and slit her throat.

Mandalore is next, I space him out of the airlock. Silence on the port side, silence to my ears. I lock the droids away, shatter the homicidal killer's innards, metallic pieces of history strewn across the floor under my feet.

Golden Boy, as he has been so properly named, is asleep, undisturbed. His training has been a waste of time. Do you know how easily simple medical chemicals can be used as poison? Very easily, especially when the victim is weak.

The wookie, the homicidal hairy one who's race that idiot woman on Nar Shadda couldn't name, the one who is crazier than I am, perhaps, because they knew of his insanity. I know they suspected treachery from me, but not outright insanity. Or maybe they didn't believe I had changed. They were right. I revealed my past and yet they believe me?

Don't they suspect? Jedi lie, so soft-heartedly cruel. Jedi manipulate, why should I be any different? Liars.

I expected the Sith woman, Visas Marr, to fall easily, she has been broken like a dead wosher branch over the knee of her new master. I smile over her corpse. While lines form across her pale, formerly healthy skin, and I wonder briefly what lies beneath the mask. Darkness, only the darkness of a changed-heart, says the brutal insanity that speaks to my consciousness, she was redeemed only for death. I would sacrifice her to the alter of my broken mind again and again.

But two remain. The ithorian, who trusted his precious heroine, so easily is charred by lightning. He would have expected it if he had learned his lesson, he wouldn't have allowed the teachings to weaken his mind with Jedi lies of peace and forgiveness. I smile.

One left. The eternal source of my pain. I trusted them once, but no longer. And never again. Where, though? The ship reeks of death and my tormentor is no where to be found. Until the Ebon Hawk goes into lock down, sirens blaring. My tormentor intends to lock me within this ship until I am brought to justice? No. I will kill a Jedi today. The lightsaber I carry, this mockery of my past, it serves its purpose as nothing more than a crude hacking device.

I force my way into the cockpit and there, there is the attack stance I know so well. The one I stole from Kavar before I killed him on Onderon.

Atton Rand has learned well.

Stop talking, don't speak. What do you mean? It does have to be this way. Don't you see what I've done? When I saw you, I saw a puppet I was using for my own devices, it was like a mirror of Kreia's plans for myself. So I pushed you away, let the old woman pull me down to her dark places while I denied that I had any influence over any of you. Why do you think I never allowed you to travel with me on Korriban? Why was I always surrounding myself with heartless tombs of Kreia and the droids?

I will not have his chance, I've wasted my own.

Atton places something in my hand, deactivates his lightsaber, then kisses me gently, more so than I deserve.

I fear that kiss far more than I fear the active thermal detonator he has doomed us both with.