The "I Love You" Song

When Revan left me, I went through phases.

At first I was hopeful and understanding. He had told me of dreams and visions he had been having, and I understood that he left because he had to, not because he didn't want to be with me. I felt his presence strongly, and knew he would come back.

But when months turned into years, I realized my hopes were chimerical and I began to cry. I sobbed over the loss of the only thing that mattered to me anymore. Being far from him was painful, and his presence in the force was a blur. I locked myself away in my room, weeping and refusing to see anyone. The light was one sluggish step at a time, and the dark was filled with nightmares.

My anguish became so great that I moved into a phase of anger. I resented Revan and my wrath was so intense that the council feared I might turn away from the light. I once fought Juhani for questioning my anger, and I force choked Carth. My friends understood my loss more then I comprehended, and after much sobbing I was forgiven for the harm I brought to them.

I went back and forth through phases of rage and depression. Both were merely expressions of the misery I was going through. The man I loved was far away from me, both physically and spiritually, and I couldn't take it anymore.

In the last year of his absence, I shut down.

I cut myself off from the force.

From love and feeling.

It was the only way to calm the miserable sensation that had clouded my life for the past six years. I became a mindless drone. I didn't think about him, I didn't feel or care for anything. I lived without purpose, doing what I was told without a second thought. Life meant nothing to me.

I don't think I even loved him anymore.

'He has returned.'

These three words snapped me from my state of nothingness. Three words from Jolee, with the explanation, 'He has returned. He sent a message saying he will be back in two days time.'

And in those two days I went through all my phases again.

Hope.

And Nothing.

Seeing him for the first time was a blur. I studied his face as he hugged Jolee, Juhani, and then he finally noticed me. As he embraced me my arms became stiff and still.

Before I could even grasp what was going on, he kissed me.

Sweet.

The sweetest feeling I had ever felt. And yet for some reason, I pushed him away.

I pushed him and ran. And then there he was, one day later, knocking at my door. He was calling my name, telling me that we needed to talk, and he knew I'm was there. And I just couldn't bring myself to answer.

Answering meant many things.

It meant forgiving him, or hating him forever. It meant falling in love all over again, or throwing him out of my life for good. It meant figuring out what we were before he left, and where that leaves us now.

It meant deciding if I still loved him.

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I knew I had to open the door eventually. So I let him in. And we sat in poor wretched silence for almost fifteen dreadful minutes. What does someone say in this type of situation? Do I yell? I am supposed to kiss him? Do I talk about the weather, or ask him if he wants a drink?

None of those sound appealing. So I calculated in my mind how exactly to tell him how I felt. I calculated how long it would take, and decided what I wanted to ask him. Past all the trite subjects and pointless babble, there were only two things I wanted to know.

'Did you find what you were looking for?' Abrupt.

He gave me a startled yes. I don't think he expected me to speak first.

'And what did you find?' What was so important that you left without a real goodbye? What secrets were so precious you couldn't take me with you? I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to explode at him until my throat felt raw and destroyed. I wanted to hurt him, hit him. I wanted him to understand how much I needed him sooner than that day.

He didn't say anything. He just stared at me with those lovely eyes.

'What did you find?'

'I found...' He looked confused, almost as if he didn't have an answer. As if he didn't find anything at all. 'I found out that I wasted my time.' Another pause. 'The true Sith are out there, I know that much. But all I found was traces of them that led to dead ends. All I know is that these Sith are more powerful then any force user we have ever encountered.'

And I found myself watching him. I had to stop myself from smiling. I had forgotten how much I loved listening to him talk, how much I loved watching his lips and...

'There are only two things I know for sure. These Sith will only ever be found when they want to be found, and it is going to be a long time before they reveal themselves. I also know that those dreams I was having about this... chosen one. The prophecy is real.'

'If it is real, then why was it a waste of your time?'

'Because it is not my destiny.'

That was a good enough explanation for me. What I really wanted to know...

My second and more pertinent question made my throat burn. I began the sentence several times. 'Do you...?' But I never finished it. The fire in my throat traveled up to my eyes and I began to cry.

I was sobbing and Revan grabbed me, and held me close to his chest. I began thrashing and screaming incoherent words. I couldn't handle it anymore. Life was too much to handle, and nothing made sense. I should be happy he was home. If this had happened four years ago I would have kissed him. I would have kissed him everywhere till I passed out.

But this is now.

And everything hurts.

'Why?' Finally an understandable outcry. He walked so carefully towards me I thought he might tiptoe.

'Why?' I shoved him. He looked so sorrowful. As if he finally realized what he had done. He didn't have an answer for me and I knew it. My energy was far from drained, and I was shaking. I couldn't take it anymore. He had to know how I felt.

'I wrote you so many letters I never sent. You never asked me to join you. I had quietly packed. But instead, you left without a goodbye. I didn't know where you went, or when you were coming back, or if you even loved me anymore! ' I spat my words with such hatred that his face changed. Revan's was so still he seemed to lack life. It seemed that all of his energy had been thrust into my body, making me tremble uncontrollably. Without even thinking I delivered one final blow...

'I don't even think I love you anymore!'

Maybe it's true.

He didn't even blink before he spoke.

'Bastila I love you.' And now it was my turn to be still while his body quivered under the pressure of a tightly shut bottle. 'I love everything about you. I swear it's true.'

The rest of what happened was like an obscure dream. Like a smudge on paper that someone calls art. It seemed like a dance to me. We were both in such a distressed emotional state that we couldn't come up with anything else to say. Words weren't the point. So we kept repeating ourselves. He kept coming closer to me and I pushed him away every time. We danced to the sound of our own cries. The last six years came pouring into my room and it flashed before my eyes. Nothing seemed real, and everything was a lie and the truth all at once. We were speaking, and yet I couldn't hear anything.

How I wished you were home

Bastila I love you.

And then one time, it stuck. It stuck with me that he loved me. The word love, gained its meaning back. And Revan forced to me to see. He was just doing what he thought was right. And it was probably just as painful for him to be away from me. And unlike the last time he tried to kiss me, I let him.