Love Beyond Words

It was over. Malak was finally dead, Bastila had been saved, the Star Forge had been destroyed and everything was finally over.

Of course Adrianna knew there would still be a lot to do. The Sith might have been defeated, but the war had left terrible scars on the Galaxy and Adrianna had the feeling she would still have to play a big part in the restoration efforts that were to come. Compared to the last few months pretty much everything else seemed like child's play, however.

It had been almost a year ago when Adrianna had been approached by the Republic. They had offered to recruit her to serve on a ship called the Endar Spire, claiming the Republic was in desperate need of someone of her talents. The pay had been good and Adrianna had not hesitated to accept the job. Being a smuggler - even a very talented one, like she was - wasn't exactly the most delightful career choice there was, and a life not filled with constant danger had seemed very tempting at that time.

What Adrianna hadn't known was that signing to work aboard the Endar Spire would lead to a series of events where she would, among other things, end up just barely escaping a planet being bombed to dust, intruding not just one but two Sith bases, having Sith assassins on her tail all the time and finally finding out she was not, in fact, Adrianna at all, but a former Sith Lord who the Jedi had decided to provide with fake memories so that she would do their bidding and end the war she had started in the first place. Add to that all the smaller problems she had encountered on the journey - killing a Rancor, a Krayt Dragon and a few Terentateks being only the smallest part of it all - and Adrianna felt safe to assume she would probably have been better off as a smuggler, after all.

At the moment, however, Adrianna didn't have to care about any of these things. She was on a beautiful, if somewhat primitive planet light years away from civilization and she had firmly decided to enjoy this rare moment of peace she had been given. So instead of worrying about anything, she focused on all the good things the last months had brought to her life: she had learned many things about herself and the Galaxy she was in, she had had the chance to visit many beautiful planets - and most importantly, she had grown to know many truly amazing people. She had suddenly found herself having a life with friends who weren't waiting for the nearest opportunity to turn on her and stab her in the back. All in all, she guessed she didn't have that much to complain about at the moment.

"Hey, beautiful!" A voice called out to her. Adrianna stopped and spun around to find herself looking at a very anxious looking Carth. "I'm so glad I found you," he continued when he reached her, "I've been looking everywhere for you. I got worried when I noticed you were no longer at the Hawk."

"I needed some time alone," Adrianna lied, "to think about things."

She felt a twinge of guilt run through her for lying to him as she studied his face. His warm, brown eyes were filled with enthusiasm and hope. It had been a long time since she had last seen him this happy. His voice was slightly nervous when he continued.

"I know - and I can understand that. It's just that... there's something I've been wanting to tell you, but with everything else going on it just seemed there never was a good time. I, uh, guess I wanted to thank you. So: thank you, for all you've done. For saving Dustil and, heck, the whole Republic really."

"You don't need to thank me, Carth, I-" Adrianna began, but Carth quickly interrupted her.

"Just hear me out, woman," he said with a small chuckle. "I- when I found out who you are, I wanted to hold you responsible for all you had done - For Telos... for my wife. But I've been thinking about this a lot since then and... it's not who you are anymore."

With that, he kneeled down before her and took her hands into his. It was all Adrianna could do to bite her lip to keep herself from crying.

"I love you, Adrianna. I love you like I haven't loved anyone or anything since my wife died. And I didn't even think that was possible. Now I know I don't have a ring or anything, but it's kind of hard to find one in this part of the Galaxy, so-"

"Carth, stop," Adrianna finally managed to say. "I'm sorry. I just... I don't feel that way towards you."

She would have willingly cut her own arm off with a lightsaber if that had made the look on his face fade away. Seeing him hurt like this and knowing it was all her fault made her feel disgusted with herself.

"I'm... I'm sorry," was all he could say at first. It was clear he had not been expecting this response. And why should he have? He had no reason to believe she would not feel that way towards him. "I, uh, thought you," he continued but his voice trailed off. He cleared his throat and then slowly stood up, not meeting her eyes.

"No, I'm sorry," she said weakly. "I hadn't realized you felt this way. I... I thought you knew. I never meant to hurt you, please believe me. I do love you, Carth, but I love you as a friend. I-"

"It's all right," he said, his voice perfectly clear now, "I understand. I was a fool to think a woman like you would... I'm sorry I troubled you, Ann. You wanted some time alone, so I'll- I'll just head back to the ship. I'll see you later."

Adrianna bit her lip as she watched him head back to the Ebon Hawk. A part of her wanted to run after him, but she stood still, knowing it was now him who needed time to think on things alone.

"So long for the perfect, worry-free day," Adrianna said to herself grimly after Carth was no longer in hearing distance.

She knew she had no one but herself to blame; she had openly flirted with him. She had never been serious about it, though. It had only been a joke to her and she had always thought he had felt the same way, until that day on the beach when he had first told her he loved her. Back then Adrianna had only said it was not the time for that conversation - that they had to focus on saving the Galaxy. She had been unable to bring herself to hurt him.

"I'm a terrible person. First I bomb his planet into dust, killing his wife and eventually turning his son into a Sith and then when he forgives me I tell him flirting with him has just been a lie."

She sighed, turning around to look at the ancient temple. She lifted balance from one foot to another a few times, trying to make up her mind.

"Aww, frack," she finally said, "you know what, Ann? You've just spent the whole year doing your best to save the Galaxy and helping countless of people on the way. Now it may be that you're a terrible, worthless person, but even so you deserve this one day of happiness. Force knows you won't be having many of those in the near future. So you do what I tell you to do and go over to that temple over there. You'll have the rest of your life to worry about other people."

She considered her own words for a while, trying to decide whether she believed in them or not, then started walking towards the temple, pushing all thoughts of Carth away. For a passing moment she also wondered if she should be worried that she talked to herself, but then decided that, too, was a worry for some other day.

As she made her way through the empty halls of the temple, she started feeling better with each step. By the time she reached the summit, all unpleasant thoughts were already buried somewhere in the back of her mind. At least there was something good the Jedi had done for her, she thought: controlling her emotions was a whole lot easier these days.

Adrianna was not at all surprised at the sight awaiting for her at the summit; when she had noticed Bastila was not at the Ebon Hawk, she knew immediately where she had gone. The other woman seemed to sense Adrianna's presence and turned to look at her.

"Hiya," Adrianna greeted softly. Bastila smiled, but didn't say anything. "I thought you might be here," Adrianna continued as she walked next to her.

"I feel drawn to this place," Bastila explained, turning her gaze back at the horizon.

"I know," Adrianna said. In truth, she felt much the same way. This is where she had first met Bastila after she had fallen.

"I'm sorry," Bastila said, "I know that's not enough, but I don't know what else I could say. I never truly wanted to hurt you, but..." her voice trailed off.

"I know," Adrianna said again. "And it's all right - really, it is," she added truthfully when she saw the other woman was about to object. "But I have one question. I've thought about this over and over in my head ever since... since the last time we were here. I need to know."

Bastila sighed, turning to look at the sun that was slowly disappearing behind the sea. Adrianna waited, knowing she didn't have to tell her what she wanted to know; their bond had helped to create a wordless understanding between the two women. When Bastila had fallen, Adrianna had thought this to be forever lost, but at the Star Forge she had found out she had been wrong; the bond still existed. In a way, Adrianna even felt it had actually grown stronger because of the events they had gone through in the last few days.

"I guess I do owe you an explanation," Bastila finally admitted. "But you must understand that this is hard for me. I am a Jedi - at least I thought I was. Strong emotions... anger, irritation, love - all these things are forbidden for us, but you always seemed to have the ability to bring them up in me. I- at first I told myself it was because of our bond, but I know now I was just deceiving myself."

Bastila's words were exactly what Adrianna had wanted to hear all along, and as she heard her talking, she felt her heart beginning to beat faster - but somehow, this felt wrong. The words didn't come out the way Adrianna wanted to hear them.

"Then why did you turn against me?" She asked bluntly.

She had been shocked by the anger the younger woman had had inside her the last time they had been standing on this place - the anger that had been directed towards Adrianna. Before, she had thought there was definitely something between them - something more than just their bond - but after that day, she had not been sure anymore. She saw Bastila's expression sadden, and a part of her enjoyed this, wanting Bastila to hurt as much as she had been hurt. Adrianna hated that part of herself.

"When Malak tortured me it was the thought of you that kept me from giving in," Bastila said faintly, as if the words were too hard to say aloud. "I think he realized it, at some point. He turned my feelings against me - voicing my fears. At first I didn't believe him, but his words stuck with me. I kept seeing you with him and it made me feel sick - betrayed."

"Me and Malak?" Adrianna asked, now confused. At this point Bastila had to let out a small laugh, even though there was no happiness in her voice.

"No. Carth. I've seen the way you act around him. And I guess I should have realized what was going on between the two of you earlier, but my feelings had blinded me. Ironic, isn't it? I lecture others about controlling their emotions, and I end up being the one in need of a lecture-"

"Bastila," Adrianna interrupted, suddenly realizing it all. She had to admit to herself that had the situation been reversed, she would have probably been close to turning to the dark side herself. An image of Bastila and Carth together suddenly flashed in her mind, making her shudder. She quickly pushed the disturbing image away from her head. "You got it all wrong."

And then, without a warning, Adrianna burst into laughter. Bastila could not have looked more shocked by this reaction.

"Yes, well, I- I shouldn't have said anything," Bastila said, blushing bright crimson, "I- I probably deserve this, but I would not have thought that you would laugh at my feelings!"

Bastila's insulted tone of voice made Adrianna laugh even harder. She tried her best to make herself stop, realizing how wrong the other woman was interpreting her feelings, but it took her almost a full minute to manage to calm herself down.

"I wasn't laughing at you," she finally managed to say, still wiping tears from her eyes. Bastila seemed unconvinced, so Adrianna continued. "I was laughing at myself. Although I guess I shouldn't have, because of all the harm I have caused. Carth is like a brother to me, Bastila - nothing more."

"But I thought- the way you two-"

"Yes, well believe me when I say you're not the only one. It turns out I'm a very misleading woman. Carth is at the Ebon Hawk right now, probably sulking in some corner because I just turned him down."

"You turned him down?" It was obvious Bastila had difficulty believing what she just heard. "But I thought-"

"Shut up and kiss me you babbling fool," Adrianna said. Bastila hesitated only for a few seconds, but it was a few seconds too long - before she had any chance to react, Adrianna had already pressed her lips against hers. At first, Bastila stiffened, but after a moment she let herself melt into the kiss. When their lips finally parted, Bastila opened her mouth, but never got the chance to say anything as Adrianna gently placed a finger on her lips.

"Not now," she said simply. Bastila nodded - this moment was perfect as it was, and no words were needed. She placed her hands on Adrianna's waist and leaned against her as the other woman did the same thing. Together they turned to look at the sunset.

It was at this moment that Adrianna finally realized the Star Forge's destruction had not been where everything ended. It had only been the beginning - the beginning of the life she was going to share with the woman she had come to love more than words could express.

A/N: This text is very different from what I usually write, since I don't usually like writing either femslash or romances. I feel a little sick inside for writing Bastila so... un-Bastila-like, and the same goes for Carth, but I've had this urge to try my hand at writing something like this for some time. Since it seemed to fit this month's challenge, I thought why not. Considering this is a totally new genre for me, I'm overall quite happy with this piece.