Revan's Shadow: Chapter Fourteen

"Are you sure?"

Obtena waved Bastila aside, standing alone now. "Yes, I'm fine. Actually starting to feel hungry."

"Well, perhaps I can make you something."

Bastila started searching compartments as Obtena tried not to literally collapse into a chair. "You cook?"

"Self-reliance is one of the long term lessons you didn't have time for in your training. Besides... you seem to have managed well enough on your own, long before we ever met..."

"True enough," Obtena agreed with a lopsided smile, "But I don't... I mean, I can burn meat over a fire so that it definitely won't kill me if I eat it, but when I hear the word 'cook' I tend to think of people who have studied and experimented and spend too long making over-elaborate-"

"Oh, not to fret. Some do have an aptitude for that sort of thing, but not I." Bastila turned to present the pre-prepared nutritional supplement pack she had chosen. "My skill is more along the lines of knowing how food processors work, not setting things on fire."

"So nothing's about to blow up. Good to know." Obtena looked around. "Where's Zaalbar? I thought he was right behind us."

"I think he went to get something to eat, himself." Bastila said as she eased the food out of the packet and into the processor. The Wookiee often preferred to grab his meals straight from the supplies in the port cargo hold. "I think he knows who Chuundar is..."

His brother, probably, Obtena thought. She didn't think it would be fair to discuss it without Zaalbar's consent.

Bastila paused. "Family?" she asked. Obtena winced. Though her back was still turned, Bastila picked up on that, too. "Don't worry, I won't mention it."

"Thanks."

The food processor began to hum as it did its job, and Bastila swivelled to face Obtena. "It would seem that our bond is continuing to grow. It's becoming easier for each of us to pick up certain impressions from each other."

"I guess we've both been wondering how far it will go."

Bastila nodded. "It may become prudent to learn how to block each other from our minds."

Obtena smirked, deliberately thinking gratuitously naughty thoughts as she asked, "What's the matter, don't you like seeing what's on my mind?"

"Obtena..." Bastila blushed.

"Maybe I'll jump Carth in the cockpit tonight, and you can enjoy it remotely."

"Please don't."

"Would you be jealous? Well, I don't need Carth. I can just wait until I'm alone and then..." Obtena slid a hand up her own inner thigh.

"I mean please don't t... tease me," Bastila clarified, in a tone that caused Obtena's smile to falter.

"Tease wasn't your first choice." Bastila refused to make eye contact. "Don't shut me out. Bastila..." Obtena rose and strode over to her, took her face in her hands, stared into those deep blue eyes until they - and the barrier she had put up - melted. "Tempt," Obtena realised. "Don't tempt you."

Bastila's eyes dropped away again. "You represent every temptation I've ever felt," she admitted, her voice shaking with emotion that was on the verge of slipping free from years of self-control. At first, it seemed to be all she had to say, but then: "I... I feel for what's happening on this world. I do. But there's a whole galaxy of worlds at stake. Our mission must take precedence, but you're ready to cut a terrible swathe through... and I..." her voice threatened to crack, and she fell silent, frowning with closed eyes as she regained control.

"You're not just worried about what I might do. You're worried about what you might do with me." Obtena blinked as comprehension dawned. "Gods, that's why I felt..."

"Yes," Bastila whispered, expecting her to repeat an earlier declaration of selfishness the last time they had spoken of this. It hadn't been so important, back then, but...

Obtena forced her to look her in the eye again. "I swear to you Bastila, I will never do anything that will make you lose yourself."

Bastila looked, felt the compassion and sincerity behind her words and eyes. She knew she couldn't take it as a guarantee - there was still so much that could go wrong with this mission - but this time, she found herself breathing a sigh of relief.

"As I said before, I know you mean what you say. It... it means more to me now, than it did before..." She didn't dare to think that these feelings could keep them both on the right path...

The food processor chose that moment to stop humming and buzzed quietly to signal it had finished. The pair of padawans smiled at each other before Bastila turned again to finish preparing the meal. As she poured the food into a bowl, Obtena took a small step forward, leaning against Bastila with her hands on her hips, before whispering in her ear, "Any other temptations you want to confess?"

"That one is entirely yours. As I told you, such things are beneath me, and it's the bond that's making... you feel the way you do."

"It isn't."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I know exactly when I noticed how much I liked you, and it was before the bond kicked into high gear. I'll be right back." Obtena skipped off to their dormitory to fetch something. Bastila tried to focus on what she was doing in order to distract her from the sudden loss of physical contact. She rooted around for anything that would add just a little flavour to the meal, so it wouldn't be completely boring. She was still opening lids and (carefully) sniffing contents when Obtena returned and promptly resumed her previous position at Bastila's back, this time with an arm around her waist.

Bastila looked at the datapad Obtena placed on the counter beside the bowl. "This is the journal you kept during your training?" Obtena replied by thumbing the controls with her free hand until a particular page was displayed. Bastila stirred the food absent-mindedly as she read. "Oh, I remember that argument. Even the masters were giving me pointed looks after that shouting match..." Her nervous monologue, and her stirring, faltered as she read the rest of the entry.

"Well?" Obtena asked when the silence drew on.

"I'm... I'm somewhat disturbed by the fact that you realised your infatuation while fantasizing about throttling me."

"If it's any consolation, your face is as red right now as I imagined."

"But my... um, 'luscious lips?' You think my lips are luscious?"

"They still would be, even when going blue from oxygen starvation. In fact, some people like that sort of thing, during... intimate relations," Obtena pointed out with a giggle. Bastila tried not to imagine how Obtena possibly could have learned that. "You're very attractive when you're flustered. I suspect that's half the reason why the boys enjoy teasing you." She allowed a moment for that to sink in, before hugging Bastila impulsively. "And a month ago, you would have struggled out of my grip long before now."

"Recent events... I'm..." Bastila shook her head and took a long breath. "I don't feel the same way, Obtena. I'm sorry, but I don't. It's just... I appreciate it. I'm... I'm glad you feel able to... oh, to do things like this," she finally admitted, pressing her own arm against the one wrapped around her waist, clasping Obtena's hand in hers. "I shouldn't allow such physical intimacy, on principle; and I don't want to give you any false hope. But... it is... comforting. And for that much, I thank you."

Obtena replied by wrapping her other arm around Bastila's and hugging her for all she was worth, telling her, "I'll take as much as you're willing to give me."

A moment later, the smirk returned, and she inhaled the scent of Bastila's hair before planting a kiss on her neck. "And then I'll steal the rest," she added.

Bastila untangled herself from Obtena's grip. "Eat your lunch," she advised, before heading to the dormitory.

"Bastila." Obtena tossed the datapad to her, and Bastila caught it without stopping. "Read the rest. Or start from the beginning, if you like. Think of it as-"

"A less intrusive window into your mind. I know."

Obtena set into the meal with vigour. Zaalbar soon joined her, munching on some of the preserved wraid meat they had brought from Tatooine. They ate in silence, and it wasn't until Obtena got them both a drink to wash the food down with, that Zaalbar spoke up. "I heard some of what you spoke with Bastila."

"You mean Chuundar?"

"Not just that. But thank you for not speaking of it." The Wookiee frowned slightly. "Do you really think of Bastila as a mate?"

"I suppose that depends on your definition. I see her as someone I could spend the rest of my life with. With or without the bond we share."

Zaalbar fidgeted. "But... sex."

"I wish," Obtena clarified, rolling her eyes.

"Jedi do not... have families."

"I don't think they're allowed to. Or if they are, it doesn't seem to be encouraged. I wouldn't be surprised if reality was a little different from however the Jedi masters would prefer."

"You do not desire children?"

"Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to become a mother. I guess I've always left such things to fate. Or the Force, I suppose I should say, now. I don't feel like I have to start a family, but it would hardly be a bad thing."

"Is there some way, some science, that could let you and Bastila have a child?"

Obtena didn't see that one coming and took a moment to respond. "If there is, I haven't heard if it." She watched the cogs turning in Zaalbar's mind a moment. "I take it your people don't approve of same-gender romance."

"It's not that. I have no real feeling for it because it... just doesn't happen."

"As far as you know."

Zaalbar shook his head. "The idea of it simply does not occur to us. If it did, I do not think it is something any of us would hide, like they did on Taris."

"People fear what they don't know, Zaalbar. Fear and confusion often lead to keeping secrets. Maybe I'm biased by knowing you, but Wookiees seem to have a thing for suffering in silence." Zaalbar didn't reply to that, so she redirected the subject. "You said you saw that kind of thing on Taris?"

"I saw many things. The Twi'lek droid engineer that sold us T3 was tolerated because of her relationship to a Human of local social standing. Such things were often spoken of in the Lower City. There were females willing to forsake love to escape to a better life." Another moment to think. "Bastila seems willing to be a sister to you. Is that not enough?"

"You've never been in love."

"I don't think so."

"When you are, you'll know the answer to that question."

Zaalbar accepted this, finished his drink and stood. "You are wise for your years, Obtena," he said formally. "I fear I will have difficult decisions to face before we are done here. When that time comes, it will be my honour to rely on your council."

Obtena rose and clasped his arms in hers. "The honour will be mine," she replied sincerely.

*

Bastila set cross-legged in her bunk, centering herself and rebuilding the wall in her mind that would ensure her mental privacy. She had never expected the Force bond to become this intense, nor had the Jedi masters suggested it might become so. She had improvised well enough, she thought, but she felt that she needed guidance. She was fairly certain Obtena would be willing to stop at Dantooine when they were done on Kashyyyk; if for no other reason, to drop off the stowaway girl Juhani had befriended.

The padawan opened her eyes and looked down at the datapad in her lap. Obtena's private thoughts during her month of training at the Jedi enclave. She was willing to share them, and expected nothing in return. Bastila could stay as aloof as she damn well liked. Obtena wanted to be known, understood by her anyway. It was... romantic? Oh, hush, Bastila thought to herself. Yet she now had to question if she had been right before. Could Obtena's feelings for her be genuine? How would Bastila's reactions affect her? How would it affect the mission?

A sigh. The mission. That's why I must read this. Because I need her for the mission, not because I need her... I suppose that's what love would be. Of any kind.

She lay on her side, her back to the rest of the room, and began to read. The first entry referred to a previous journal Obtena kept on Taris. Given the nature of their departure, it had been left behind and was probably destroyed. The narrative shifted to the present and spoke of the first meeting with the Jedi council of Dantooine. Obtena had been wary of the proposal to train her as a Jedi, but her full misgivings were laid out here for Bastila to see. To her, the Jedi and the Sith were two sides of a struggle she wanted nothing to do with, especially since witnessing the destruction of Taris. The only reason she had grudgingly agreed to it was that, now her powers were manifesting themselves, the Sith would hunt her down as surely as any true Jedi.

An entry had been made after each day's training. What had been done, what had been learned; conversations with the masters and other Jedi, especially Bastila. Special mention of the first time she had raised a datapad off the table with the Force instead of her hands. A week later, the time she spirited away Carth's blasters while he was cleaning them, prompting a chase around the ship that had Canderous charging shirtless out of the dormitory, yelling at everyone for being so rudely awakened.

There were also insights into the characters of their companions. Ambivelant Carth, innocent Mission, suffering Zaalbar, cynical Canderous... arrogant Bastila.

Obtena had found Bastila to be increasingly infuriating as the training continued, culminating in the famous argument and the following revelation. She had been surprised by her own feelings, yet went along with them regardless. It was entirely contrary to the Jedi way; Obtena was supposed to control her emotions, not the other way round. It was one of those things Bastila had come to know would never change. Obtena was infuriatingly stubborn... a quality most actually seemed to find charming.

A few entries later, Bastila found the description of a fantasy in which, instead of storming off before the argument came to blows, Obtena grabbed her and kissed her. She had imagined (correctly) that Bastila would have slapped her for it... but afterwards, she kissed her right back! An account of the passionate coupling between them followed.

A moment's shock was quickly replaced by a nervous excitement, and Bastila found herself more willing to keep reading than she expected. As she did, she came to know why: this wasn't pornographic, it was erotic. Until now, it had never really occured to her that there was a difference between the two. The way Obtena described the fantasy... the details weren't about the physical actions so much as the reactions they provoked. She found delight in provoking such reactions from fantasy-Bastila, and the real Bastila wondered if she would react the same way. Her thoughts sobered as she wondered how Obtena knew some of the things she wrote about. Had she... been with someone, since she had been given her new persona? Or was she remembering things Revan had done? Neither possibility offered much comfort.

Deciding to skip the climax of the fantasy, Bastila read on. The entries were interspersed with various observations on her behaviour and physical attributes. There was a note on her weaknesses Obtena had discovered during their frequent duels, which Bastila mentally filed away to consider later. Then came the tests that preceded Obtena's official entry into the Jedi order, and... Juhani.

Bastila had not been allowed to accompany Obtena during the final test to the grove that was tainted by the power of the dark side of the Force. Afterwards, on meeting the repentant Juhani, she had felt conflicted about the matter and its implications. Openly she had praised the Cathar's return to the light, but silently she questioned the wisdom of driving a student to the dark side and back. Still, if the violent-prone Juhani was willing to return to the light, surely that bode well for any who fell to the dark side...

The journal ended with an account of the discovery of the first starmap. Obtena and Bastila had gone alone to the ruins where it had lain hidden for millenia. In the final words she had written, Obtena voiced her discomfort at seeming to have a destiny not of her own making. Bastila couldn't help but find that ironic; but then, Obtena wasn't Revan, was she.

With a sigh, Bastila turned off the datapad and placed it on the bunkside shelf... and paused. Her father's holocron also sat on the shelf. She had yet to access it since they'd recovered it on Tatooine. Hesitantly, she picked it up and held it in the palm of her hand. The faint blue glow brightened as she watched, and she could almost feel it tugging at her senses, as if asking to be accessed. Yet, she hesitated. There would be time enough to mourn her father properly after the mission was completed; or there wouldn't, in which case it would hardly matter. The point is, I shouldn't indulge my grief right now. It will only distract me...

She hesitated a moment longer, then made up her mind and watched as the glow dimmed again before putting it back. She would wait, but perhaps not until after the mission. Perhaps she had something to share with Obtena in return, after all.