Just Another Crazy Beginning

THE ENDAR SPIRE: 0300

The mad siren-wail of the alarms tell me that the ship's under attack, but it's the shock of the accompanying jolt that actually wakes me from my sleep. I leap frantically from my bunk and drop-kiss the floor. Ouch!

I rub my nose and wipe away blood. On the bright side, it's nice to know the grav grids are working -- at least I won't have to run away from this battle with my keester half in the air. That happened at Naos 3 and somehow, the experience wasn't quite as funny as it sounds. Ah, the joy of air-swimming past thirty Gammoreans with their buttcracks flying in the air... I don't think I'll ever quite wipe that smell from my mind. (Mental note: If I ever find myself on a gravless ship again, turn around, go home, and don't even be there when the bantha hits the generators.)

Thankfully, the room's empty, so at least no one else witnesses my little fall from grace. I pinch the bridge of my nose to stop the bleeding but wince as the artificial lights send slivers of pain through my eyeballs. Midget Wookiees in my head must be having the time of their lives ripping apart the nerve clusters of my brain. This has got to be the last time I ever dip into an Ithorian's ryll stash. Those knob-heads don't have the synapses to fix a decent high.

The crashing sound of personal items -- toothbrush, hair comb, datapads, and a happy-face caffa mug... wait, is that really mine? -- falling off the shelves remind me that I'm still on an uncertain date with Death if I don't get out of here. The bleeding's stopped, so I get up on my feet when suddenly this blonde in a red coat rushes into the room:

'We've been ambushed by a Sith battle fleet! The Endar Spire is under attack! Hurry up -- we don't have much time!'

I stare at him blankly... Was this some kind of joke? Between the guy's vacant stare and the mini-Wookiees in my head, it takes me a few to wrap my head around Captain Redundant. Now he's looking at me like I'm a lobotomized tach.

Gotta think of something smart to say. I go for the classic: 'Who are you...?!'

Oh, yeah, that was brilliant. But blonde and dangerous laps up the words like a diva to her cue.

'I'm Trask Ulgo, ensign with the Republic Fleet. I'm your bunk mate here on the Endar Spire. We work opposite shifts; I guess that's why you haven't seen me before.' Aha! - Those midget Wookiees may have done a real number on my head, but I knew that smiley-faced mug wasn't mine.

'Now hurry up, we have to find Bastila! We have to make sure she makes it off the ship alive!'

Waaaaitaminute -- just who does this chump think he is? I square my shoulders and look him in the eye. It amazes me how some people can't get their priorities straight.

'Forget this -- I'm looking after my own skin! C'mon,' I add, 'I'm sure a soldier like yourself could still make a decent living as a merc.'

'You swore an oath to protect Bastila when you signed up with this mission, just like everyone else in the crew! Now the time to make good on that oath!'

Oath, what oath? I wrack what's left of my brain for answers. Come to think of it, why am I here again? Oh, that's right... I have the death sentence on twelve systems. The 'Public promises a full reprieve if I help them run a gambit through the Sith blockade. Guess I'm not doing such a hot job right now. Story of my life. I wonder I can still get that pardon if I survive...

'Oath or no oath - I'm headed to the escape pods!'

'Don't be stupid! You won't stand a chance against the Sith by yourself. I know Bastila may not have an official rank, but she's the one in charge of this mission, and now that you've signed on, you're part of the fleet. Bastila needs all her troops at her side during this attack! We've got to stick together if we want to make it out of this alive.'

I sigh, realizing that the grunk really isn't gonna get none off my back. I throw up my hands.

'Alright, Red, I'm all yours,' and I give him my trademark grin that's all sideways cheek. The square doesn't even blink. I shrug into my gear and grab my gun.

The room's on lockdown so Red starts punching codes in the door, but he screws up somehow and starts cursing like a drunken Rodian. I feel a little bead of sweat form on my brow. Why do I always get the incompetent one? I consider making peace with one of the three hundred and sixty seven indigenous gods in this sector before I have to kiss my sweet toochus goodbye, but the door finally opens with a heartening swoosh. The beeper on my comlink sings and a scruffy-looking guy with a reedy voice pops up to lay out some more bad news.

'This is Carth Onasi. The Sith are threatening to overrun our position. We can't hold out long against their firepower. All hands to the bridge!'

'That was Carth! He's one of the Republic's best pilots! He's seem more combat than the rest of the Endar Spire's crew put together. If he says things are bad, you'd better believe it!'

Part of me wonders if I can somehow save this conversation for later. I'm sure it'd make a great scene in a space-soap. I mean, I've never seen anyone living near-death who felt such a need for exposition.

'Yes, thank you, thank you ever so much. Even though I've been on this rust bucket for a total of three weeks now, I have, of course, completely failed to notice the Republic hero who...'

But I'm looking over at Red and suddenly my mouth goes limp. He's got sweat beading all over his upper lip. My morale takes a fast dive. If the damn soldier's quailing, how am I supposed to survive? But the opinion goes through a quick 180 as soon as we hit the decks. It's not fear on his face, I realize, it's excitement.

'C'mon, we have to get to the bridge and help defend Bastila!'

'Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time around.' This job's looking worse and worse, but what choice do I have? It's a one-way ride to eating space dust if I don't get onto one of the 'pods.

Sith stormtroopers are running around everywhere and I watch, helpless, as they take down the Republic soldiers right in front of my door. I haven't even been up five minutes today, and already people are dying!

'Oh Sith, oh Sith, oh Sith!' I scream, but Blondie's already gone! 'Wha-?' I start panic--No, don't panic, don't panic!--but then I turn around, sure enough, there's Mr. Blonde, laying into the Sithboys like a krath hound on a femur.

'Crazeeee bastard,' I say as I watch him take on the baddies three at a time. He keeps yelling 'For the Republic!' like it's some kind of battle chant. Over, and over, and over again. Did the Sith look more afraid? I sneak a peek. Nope, not at all.

Red takes out the three Sith goons without even breaking stride just as another group turns around the corner. Their leader take an unhealthy interest in my presence. I sidle towards Red, hoping to hide behind him, but I somehow manage to trip on my way over some loose power cables and end up tumbling back into the arms of the Sith.

'Fraaaaaag,' I cry and I hear a metallic 'oof-zzz' as the trooper breaks my fall. In the tangle of arms, legs, and weapons, I somehow land a miraculous shot that ricochets off the side panel and hits below the left arm where there's no armor protection. Next thing I know, metal-face is pitching head-first onto the floorboards. I scramble up. Red's finishing up another one of the tinmen with a flurry of vibroblade when I finally get my bearings. His killing blow sends the trooper's blood spilling over my threads.

Eww.

We work our way past a couple more skirmishes and I start thanking the Force that I've got blonde and burly on my side. Sure, the old boy's got a terrible haircut and no sense of humor, but he really started growing on me after the third time he threw himself in the path of a blaster aimed at my head. We finally hit the bridge, and the place turns out to be a bust. 'Bastila's not on the bridge!' Red shouts, 'they must have retreated to the pods! We better head there too.'

'$@#@%$#@%#&(&amp!!' I say, not even bothering with my usual eloquence. Part of me wants to cry thinking about all the precious time we wasted getting up here. We should have just hit up the 'pods like I said in the first place!

'The Sith want Bastila alive, but once she's off the ship there's nothing stopping them from blasting the Endar Spire into galactic dust!'

'No kidding!' And I can hear my voice rising in panic. Pieces of the ship have broken off and are floating around the portholes like salvager's candy. 'It only just now occurs to you that we're not paid enough to be here? No Bastila, no crew, no pods... We're all gonna diiiiiiiie!' I wail.

But Red ignores my breakdown and drags me by the lapels to the adjacent corridor. 'There's something behind here,' he says, approaching one of the two doors.

'Well, you can forget it, blimey! C'mon, the 'pods are this way.' I point at the closer entrance, but his hand's already on the door panel. I can't believe this guy. How bloodthirsty can a person be?

The metal plates slide open to reveal a guy who's ever balder than my great aunt Maija. My eyes fixate on the very shiny -- very red -- and very deadly lightsaber in his hands. I think I can hear the sound of doom doom doom, doom doom, doom, doom doom, doom playing in the background.

'Damn -- a Dark Jedi!' Red yelps. What in Devaron had he been expecting? 'I'll try to hold him off, you get to the escape pods, go!'

'You moonbrain!' I yell back, 'you don't stand a chance!'

But he's already gone. Fraggin' son of a whoring-Brubb, it's too early for people to start dying for me!

'Open to door Trask! Dammit! Open it!' Nothing. Aside from the static singing of electricity on the broken door -- oh, and the sounds of the ship falling to pieces -- I'm all alone in this handbasket to Hoth. Ohbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger...

But the litany's cut short as I hear my communicator beep. ''Y'ello? Unless you've got a pippin' big -- oh jimcriminy, it's you! Thank the Force! I'm so glad to see even a 'Public face, Reedy!' I giggle like a 'stem high schoolgirl. But I even in my hysteria I gotta give the guy credits. Mr. Scruffy mows past my panic attack with all the stoicism of a true soldier.

'This is Carth Onasi on your personal communicator. I'm tracking your position through the Endar Spire's life support systems. Bastila's escape pod is away -- you're the last surviving crew member on the Endar Spire.'

'But Big Red, I mean Trask... oh... frag.'

'I can't wait for you much longer; you have to get to the escape pods! But be careful. There's a Sith patrol just down the corridor. Use your stealth skills to sneak past him.'

'Uh, stealth skills?' I look at him hopefully.

'Hit the black button on the left to activate the stealth generator on your belt.'

'Oh, right, thanks. Yeah, I knew that.' I'm glad the viewscreen cuts my body off at the chest. Scruffy can't see me rubbing my leg sheepishly with the palm of my hand. (Bad habit, don't ask.) The feral wookiees in my head are still having a field day, but I manage to find the right button and click on the stealth generator.

The lone trooper in the hallway I handle without a problem, and I even manage to pitch a couple of the unsuspecting guards with grenades under their boots. But then Unkempt Commando calls me up right before the 'pod bay. Apparently, there's a whole squadron stationed just outside.

'How in the nine stomachs of the Sarlac did you get past those?' I ask Scruffy, who has the decency to look embarrassed.

'That's the thing, uh... I kinda had them on my tail. So I locked myself in the bay.'

'... which is WHY I get to find this out the hard way?'

'Look, you can probably repair the assault droid there to help you, or alternatively, you can try to slice the computer terminal and use the Endar Spire's security systems against the Sith.'

'Shouldn't the defense system already be active and targeting the enemy?'

His mouth was grim. 'Not after they've gained control of your bridge.'

Oh. Right. 'Okay,' I say, 'I'll try the hacking.' I lope over to the computer and throw down a few spikes. Hmm. Rerouting the defense sub-matrix on the 'Spire is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Oh, but hey, what's this baby here -

I fiddle with the console for a bit and manage to hardwire the cables to give me command access. Booyah! No defense sub-routines to run this way, but who needs subtly when all I want is the power to blow some Sith scum back to the dark side of the galaxy? I crack my knuckles and I do my best evil cackle imitation as I hit the 'Enter' button.

"ENDAR SPIRE SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIATED. PLEASE EVACUATE ALL PERSONNEL. COUNTDOWN ENDS IN T-MINUS 5 MINUTES."

Wait... whaaa?? But I don't have time to dwell on it. A loud Kr-bloom! from the next room is followed by puffs of cloying smoke seeping out the battered door. I cover my mouth and leap through the smog, running to activate the 'pod bay door. It shoots open and I nearly choke on a mouthful of Mr. Scruffy's beard.

"COUNTDOWN ENDS IN T-MINUS 4 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS..."

'Holy firaxa!' I shout, arms waving wildly as I try to get him out of my face.

'You made it just in time! There's only one active escape pod left. Come on, we can hide out in the planet below!'

I stop flailing. 'How do I know I can trust you?' I say, sizing him up. I really wasn't planning on sharing my last-minute escape with another castaway. Too much heat when it came to dodging the law.

'I'm a soldier with the Republic, like you. We're the last two crew members left on the Endar Spire.' I look at him skeptically.

'Bastila's escape pod is already gone, so there's no reason for us to stick around and get shot by the Sith--"

"COUNTDOWN ENDS IN T-MINUS 3 MINUTES AND 0 SECONDS..."

"--wait, you turned on the self-destruct sequence?! How the... nevermind. Good thinking, soldier. Let's go -- there'll be time for questions much later!'

I nod. I don't have the luxury to argue with Scruffy's motives right now. 'Alrighty.' Since I have no idea where we're going anyway, I figure an extra set of blasters probably won't hurt -- at least, 'til I get my feet back on the ground and find a way to ditch this 'Public jockey.

'Down we go!' I whoop as we leap into the cylinder and he buckles in. I cling tightly to a handgrip. The escape pod really wasn't built for two.

'Hang on,' Captain Scruffy says, hitting release buttons like mad, 'It's gonna be a bumpy -- '

Whoosh.

'And then we jettison just before the ship combusts and the escape pod shoots down and crashes, and suddenly, I can hear this loud orchestra swelling in the background before everything fades to black. And that's usually when I wake up. So, what do you think?'

'Oh shut up, Malak. Just shut up.'

END.