A Delerious Jedi

A/N: This is a birthday story for Delerious Jedi, originally written 2 years ago. I thought it was a good time to bring it back to embarrass him. It is a spoof. It is supposed to be silly. See if you can find all of the references for the admins and mods associated with KFM (updated!). For added challenge, find the three founders of KFF! QB - 04/07

The ship shook Revan from his slumber, and he fell out of his bunk. Not again, he thought. This is how everything started with Malak. He moved to his footlocker and picked out his freshest Jedi robe. Where am I again? Damn, this amnesia thing gets old.

He strode confidently to the door when it opened revealing an unusual protocol droid. His silver frame reflected the light brightly, and his head had a rounded helmet over the top. Three horizontal metal strips covered his vocal capacitator. And strangely, the droid had a blue star on each side of the helmet.

"How may I assist you, Master Revan? I am QueBee, master protocol and diplomat droid. I am to be your guide on this day."

Revan shook the sleep from his head. Wonderful. Another protocol droid. If I ever decide to go back and become a Dark Lord of the Sith again, I may have to outlaw them, he chuckled to himself. "Ok, QueBee. Here's a...test, so I know for sure that you are here to help, and not just a trap. What is my mission?"

"Mistress Bastila said we were on our way to the Athena Prime system. There is a space anomaly with the mother planet. It already has one moon, but another moon seems to be forming from the main planet."

"Oh. Of course." He pretended to nod in agreement, but his mind barely registered anything the droid said after the name "Bastila". His darling was on the ship! He thought the Jedi Council was keeping her on Coruscant for more training. His heart leapt and bounced in his ribcage. "Where is she?"

"She is on the bridge, monitoring our progress and awaiting your arrival. She asked you to hurry. She seemed to be having some ocular difficulty."

WHAT? "Why do you say that?"

"When she mentioned your name, her eyelids developed sudden spasms, flapping up and down uncontrollably."

Whew.

Revan looked around and found a computer console. He marched up to it and accessed the ship's core systems with his expert computer skills.

The Intrepid. A prototype Corellian cruiser, with experimental intuitive controls, fitted for the comfort of important passengers. The memory core seemed to operate at higher than normal speeds for such artificial intelligence. He noted that there seemed to be some quirks in processing, normal with new designs.

He accessed the ship layout next. Damn! Why do all ships have to have labyrinthine passages? He plotted a course to the bridge, and sprinted out of the bunks.

He wound past a couple of bulkheads and noticed an armory to the side. I wonder if they have anything decent in there? Old habits do die hard. He sliced the door to take a look at their storage lockers.

Revan collected a fine amount of armor, grenades, and stimulants from the room. Despite not having any kind of pack, he seemed unencumbered by it all. He was slipping out the door when he heard a flush behind him. The one locked door opened, and a female officer came out. How come no other star cruiser I was on had a bathroom? I hated holding it for 2 days until we left hyperspace.

"HEY! What are you doing in here?" the officer cried.

"Um. Nothing. I'm definitely not going through all the compartments taking all the useful supplies I can find." Revan felt a cold shiver down his spine and his britches pulled up his crack as he said that. I HATE getting Dark Side points!

"Well, you better not be mister! I'll be doing a THOROUGH accounting when all this is done. Don't draw the wrath of Republic Requisitions on your head. You'll never get a pair of clean underwear again!"

Yikes. He waved his hand at the lady. ::The protocol droid did this:: He skipped out as fast as he could before the mind trick wore off. Boy, she was kind of a snarky wench.

He got turned around leaving the armory, and had to double-back over a couple corridors to make it back on track toward the bridge. An officer guarding a captive blocked his way for a moment in a narrow passageway. Revan groaned as he waited for all the petty details to be reviewed. The officer barked into his comm, "I know there's a lot of records to review, Commander Jiara. Yes, there's a lot of crap to go through. Again, I'm requesting a transfer for prisoner number," he looked at his datapad, "24601. Got that?" Finally the logjam passed, and the former Dark Lord muttered to the Force. If I ever design a ship, I'm going to have a transporter so I can just beam to the bridge without wandering every nook and cranny of the frickin' place!

Revan passed another door and heard music coming from it. WTH??? He slid the door open, and his jaw about hit the floor. A CANTINA? On a starship? What was the galaxy coming to? Well, he was thirsty, so he sauntered up to the barkeep for a drink.

"One Corellian ale, please."

"Certainly sir. Sit down and enjoy the band. They are known as Blues City, and they are the finest act on the planet Teksuni."

"Teksuni? That sounds very familiar. I must have spent a lot of time there in my previous life."

The bartender turned to him. "You must of been one hell of a rim-walker! Not many people make it out to that corner of space."

"Yup! Well, down the hatch!" The liquid burned his throat, and quenched his thrist. But his hunger would only be satisfied on the bridge!

He was done playing around and exploring. He used the Force to speed ahead. He may have knocked over a couple of crew members as he raced by, but it was all a blur to him. Finally, he reached the door to the bridge.

He knocked gently. "Ooooh Bastilaaaaaaa," he cooed.

Precious seconds ticked away. He wondered if she had heard him. Or had something gone wrong? He was starting to charge up some Force when the door opened with a "whoosh".

A lovely brunette leapt into his arms from behind the door. "Schmoopy-kins!" Bastila cried with joy. Revan staggered back from the sudden weight, but his worries melted away with his beloved in his arms. He carried her on to the bridge and shut the door.

She tugged playfully at the shirt under his robe. "Aww, you left your shirt on."

"That doesn't have to be a problem, you know." Finally!

Just then, the comlink came to life behind Bastila. "Ma'am, there's someone coming to the bridge! He calls himself 'Vyper', and AAAAAAAHHHHHHH." Static filled the bridge with that.

Revan dropped Bastila and took a battle stance. Bastila rubbed her sore bum after hitting the deck. "Sorry about that," he grinned sheepishly. "Get back. I'll protect you, my love." Twin lightsabers came to life with a "BZZT".

Then the left one started to fritz. He shook it a couple of times, but the brilliant light died. I knew I should've changed crystals this morning. He tossed the burnt-out saber aside.

His muscles tensed as he gripped his remaining saber. The silence is deafening. Wait. What in the world does that mean? He shrugged and focused again on the door. He heard sounds of shuffling and slow breathing. In a low, foreign voice, the stranger said, "I am the Vyper. I need to come in."

"You'll never get past me!" Revan shouted. Bastila tapped his shoulder gently.

"Did you lock the door?"

"Ummm...I think I was busy."

The door flashed open with a "whoosh". Revan let out a battle cry and raised his blue blade. He started to swing, when he froze in place.

In front of him was a tall, wiry man with long blond hair, blue hat and overalls. He was carrying a bucket and a squeegie.

"I am the viper. I am here to vipe the vindows."

Revan gasped. Bastila splorted her Juma juice.

"Why did that man cry out?"

"He slipped on the vet floor. I had just vashed the port vindows."

"We're fine right now. Come back later." With a Force wave, Revan pushed the man out the hatch. He shut and sealed the door.

"Now, where were we, before that weasel interupted?"

"I think we were right here," Bastila purred.

Bastila puckered up her lips, and drew close to him, and his wait was finally over. He closed his eyes, and felt a very wet sensation over his face.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" He awoke with a start.

The large nurse was bent over him, sponging his face with a wet washcloth. Does she have a beard? OH, gross! Wait! Where was Bastila?

His friends were gathered around, wondering what had happened to him. One minute they were celebrating his birthday, and the next minute he was thrashing on the floor, burning up.

The nurse turned to the worried group beside the gurney. "He developed a sudden fever, and I think he was delerious. What was all that stuff he was muttering? Something about a Jedi, and Bastila?"

His friends smiled. They knew he would be fine.

Piotr just slumped down on the gurney. Was it all a dream? His head started pounding. Oh, I think I need to calm down the celebrating a bit.

It had seemed so real though! The ship, being a Jedi. Bastila. His arms slumped to his side, his disappointment evident. But his arm hit something at his belt.

A cool, metallic cylindrical device was hooked to his belt.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Delerious Jedi!