First Impressions

When I first saw her I thought little of it. We'd been looking for her for nearly a week since we'd first crash landed on that forsaken world Taris, Carth and I. We'd spent hours searching through trash and waste, wandering the dark Undercity, risked detection by the occupying Sith, and fought crimelords a plenty for this precious soul whose gifts were supposedly paramount to victory.

To be honest, I'd doubted the search from the start, unable to believe that we could find her on so large a world without revealing to the planet's conquerors that we too were the enemy. We'd had too many encounters with the Sith already for comfort and had barely evaded detection many times already.

So when I did find her, after winning a professional swoop race by some manner of luck and something else at the time I could not fully explain, and then after fighting the gangster Brejik who would not let her go and his cronies to boot, it all seemed for nothing. It didn't take long for me to get a bad first impression. My first thought was:

'What a stuck-up schutta.'

After all, she was rather lacking gratitude. First she threatened me for thinking that I was some perverted sithspawn who wanted her for my personal pet, despite the fact that I had just saved her ass. That I could forgive. I mean, I had entered the race in which she was the grand prize. Surely, when all was explained, things could get only better -- right?

Wrong. Next she claimed that she has rescued me from certain death by striking the final blow to that murglak Brejik, and opportunity she surely would have had without my help! I mean, where would she be if Carth and I hadn't toiled around Taris looking for her, even going so far as to dive in the murky depths of the slime-ridden Undercity and tearing through the Black Vulkar base to grab the swoop prototype that would give me the edge to win despite being an amateur with no swoop experience whatsoever? Where would she be if I hadn't actually won that race against all odds? And if that weren't enough she accused us of incompetence, of stupidity, of idiocy for not finding a way off Taris while simultaneously looking for her in an attempt to prevent her capture by the Sith!

The nerve.

I don't know. Maybe she was just ticked off by being a prisoner of that slimeball for so long. Maybe she just thought she knew better. Or maybe even had a little to do with the fact that my eyes kept wandering towards unwanted places.

But really.... She was standing there half-naked. I mean, really could she really blame if I did take a little interest? That's as much a compliment as an insult! She was a beautiful woman, if a little dirty and bruised from her experience in the Undercity. Hey, I wasn't all that clean myself. I hadn't had a decent shower for a week (the plumbing in the abandoned apartment Carth and I had chosen as our hideout was in want of a proper engineer) and I must have smelled worst than a sweaty bantha on a hot summer day.

Maybe that got to her.

In any case, first impressions were... well... not impressive. She seemed snobby, arrogant, pampered, ungrateful, and, did I mention this, arrogant (I later learned many Jedi acted in this fashion). Nothing we did was ever enough, though was no pleasing the Jedi princess on her high throne. She and Carth argued incessively while I hid back with the Twi'lek kid who'd helped us in our search for Bastila, Mission. I tried to ignore their arguments, playing a friendly game with the kid while Zaalbar the walking carpet who had grown on me snored loudly (and rather disturbingly) in the corner. And all the while I thought to myself that I couldn't wait to get of that damn world.

And then, slowly at first, things changed, to my utter dislike. I actually started to like her. I mean, I didn't mean to, I didn't try to but she kind of grew on me. She was so easy to displease it somewhat became a game and I'd taunt her endlessly through our time on Taris about one thing or another. Her constant annoyance became something to game and I'd leap from one topic to another, making fun of her and watching as she grew more and more frustrated. The others enjoyed it too and Bastila had no end of grievances from Mission and Canderous.

But things gradually got better between us. When she told me I had the ability to use the Force I waved it off. It seemed to me that she was just underestimating me and my companions. But she persisted and gradually, began to lecture me on my actions, trying to guide me towards what she thought was 'right' and to steer me away from what was 'wrong'. I had little use for Jedi morals, especially after my first impression that she was a stuck-up snob.

Yet in time... her lectures actually turned out to be useful (who would have figured that?). She turned out to be a good counselor, especially when compared with Canderous who was all about action. I found that she was of great help more than once, especially in battle. I'd heard stories of Jedi in combat but had figured they were exaggeration and tall tales. To my surprise Bastila, though lighter than I was, was more than my equal in combat. At that point I really wondered how we'd gone on without her before.

And still... all this time. She let down her guard only a few times. Always her defenses were up, always she was sure to give instruction and to lecture, but rarely would she accept advice herself. She distanced herself, purposefully it seemed, from all of us, even Carth who knew her best. It seemed to me she didn't want to be one of us. It confounded me at first, especially how she treated me (how little did I know) but I think, really... deep down inside... she was afraid.

That's right, afraid. A Jedi, afraid. And once I figured that one out I really began to worry. The Jedi have built their reputation so high around them, like the walls of an impenetrable fortress. They've built a tradition out of being emotionless, out of being able to resist temptation, out of being "better" than other people. And to see a Jedi who was really afraid, and of something I could not understand, that really terrified me.

Especially when the Jedi was Bastila.

She seemed so opposite of that of cowardice. She was willing to lay down her life for the cause she believed in, for the good of the Republic. And yet she was afraid of us, afraid to show her feelings. The gentle word of a friend would cause her to retreat when no Sith threat or weapon would. She could not stand to be attached to anyone.

Little did I know our troubles were only beginning.