Chapter 8: Liberty

'Va-ca-tion. Shore leave. Rest. Recreation.' Jolee looked smug. I was dumbfounded. What the heck would I do on vacation?

'I don't understand, Masters. What am I supposed to do?'

'The first year anniversary of the destruction of the Star Forge approaches. The Republic will hold a public ceremony of appreciation here on Coruscant for the heroes of that battle, including the crew of the Ebon Hawk. You are to appear at that ceremony, Jedi Knight. In the meantime, you will cease your normal duties and take a break. After the festivities, we will have further assignments for you.' Vrook said this like it explained everything.

'Well, that's a relief. But what do I do until then?'

'That's entirely up to you, Fiala. That's the point,' chirped Jolee. He looked extremely satisfied with himself. I had no doubt that this was his idea. He wasn't a Council member, and he hadn't sat in on my sessions for months, yet he was here at this meeting. This was his doing.

'Jedi don't take vacations,' I objected.

'You have had a difficult year. And you are a very young person, mentally. You need some exposure to the real world, to help solidify certain aspects of your personality,' volunteered Veera. She wasn't any help at all.

'You have spent much time fighting against the Sith. We feel it is time for you to learn what it is you're fighting for,' said Vrook.

'Fine, I hear and obey. May I be dismissed, Masters?'

'Where are you going, young Jedi?'

'Back to my quarters.'

'Quarters here, you have not. Find your own lodgings. Too sheltered here, you are.' Vandar, naturally.

'Your possessions are packed and in the custody of the door warden. Pick them up on your way out,' said Vrook. I bugged my eyes at them. Jolee looked delighted. I'm sure his little plan was working out excellently. I silently swore revenge.

I went to visit the Ebon Hawk, thought about taking her out. I flipped through the astrogation comp, trying to choose a destination. I had no idea where anyone was. Juhani was out somewhere on yet another Jedi mission. She had become a very active, dedicated Jedi Knight. Carth, naturally, was with the Republic fleet somewhere, not that I would ever go see him. I'd lost track of everyone else, hadn't bothered to keep up. Of course not. I had been far too wrapped up in myself. Perhaps Jolee was right; I needed a break.

The Coruscant database located both Bastila and Mission on Coruscant. That made sense. Mission would like the action here, and I heard through the grapevine that Bastila occasionally stopped in at the Jedi temple. I didn't know why she resided outside the temple, come to think of it. Fine, I'd go visit somebody. Bastila's address was closer to the Hawk's spaceport dock than Mission's.

I stopped by the port master's office on the way out to indicate I'd be staying on the Hawk for a while. It turned out that wasn't allowed for some obscure reason. The port master was a stuffy, fussy little man with an expanded sense of self-importance. I couldn't believe Carth had recommended him. I wanted to Choke him, but dismissed it as a Revan-worthy thought. Here I was, Slayer of Malak, Destroyer of the Star Forge, Hero of the Republic, stymied by a petty bureaucrat. It would have been funny if it weren't so infuriating. Fine, Jolee didn't think I could handle real life. I'd show him. After all, I dealt with the real world all the time on real life Jedi missions. I could do this.

I found a decent, economical hotel that rented rooms by the week. My credit balance was good, so I wasn't worried about cost, but figured there was no point in blowing a lot of cash on nothing. It took only a few minutes to unpack my meager belongings. I checked out the room and its facilities. Looked out the window. Bounced on the bed a couple of times. Looked through the vid offerings, finding nothing of interest. Looked out the window again. Realized I was stalling and pulled myself together, headed for Bastila's.

On the way, I rehearsed what I'd say. 'Hi, Bastila, thanks for saving my life, sorry I haven't kept in touch.' 'Hi, Bastila, I haven't considered it important until now to thank you.' 'Good to finally see you, I've been really busy for the past year.' 'Hey there, Bastila, I'm Revan now, returning for revenge.' Nothing sounded good. I decided to play it by ear and pressed the call button.

Canderous Ordo answered the door.

We both stood stunned for some seconds. Then a big grin split his face, he yelled, 'Revan!' and gathered me in a bear hug. I couldn't breathe. This was not what I anticipated.

I whispered, 'Hey, Canderous.'

'Honey, Revan's here! Come on, move it!' Canderous pulled me in to the spacious apartment. My head was spinning. Bastila glided in, looking as regal as ever. She paused when she saw me, and I swear she looked shocked for a split-second before she covered it and advanced to greet me warmly.

'Fiala, I can't believe you're here. It's so good to see you! And don't call her Revan, dear, it isn't her name.'

Canderous grinned. 'It's a compliment, Bastila, and Revan knows it. Don't you?' I nodded weakly, and looked between the two of them. I had not a single idea of what to say. Bastila burst out laughing.

'You...you didn't know about us, did you? You should see your face. It's priceless! I've never seen you look helpless before.' Her fit continued and Canderous joined in. I edged slowly toward the door. Bastila sobered first.

'I thought Jolee would tell you. After all, it's your fault.'

'My fault? What? How?' I was shocked.

'Well, yours and Carth's.' My blank look told her explanations were in order. 'Look, sit down, have a drink. You look like you need it. Canderous, dear, get her something strong, would you?'

I sat, and drank. It was strong. I gulped it down. 'What do you mean, my fault?' I couldn't bring myself to mention Carth's name.

'Well, remember the day on Kashyyyk when Jolee, Carth, and I found you in the hut, and Carth stayed behind with you? Jolee and I went back up to the walkway, but I was having trouble keeping up with him and keeping our bond manageable. Canderous was waiting for us at the top of the lift, so he volunteered to walk me back at a pace I could handle while Jolee went on ahead.'

'And I'd been waiting for her so I could speak my piece. I'd been watching her for weeks, and decided she was the bravest and most beautiful woman I'd ever met. I mean, you're no slouch, but you are Revan, a legend, and one of the boys.' I bristled. Gee, thanks. Carth hadn't thought so. 'Bastila is a real woman, and she'd taken you on single-handed. Would you risk yourself alone, managing an amnesic Dark Lord? She asked for the assignment. Then she faced Malak in single combat, endured weeks of his torture, nearly took apart the Republic fleet, and did take apart the Sith fleet and the Star Forge both. You may have killed Malak, but, let's face it, she's the one that destroyed the Star Forge. She also had the courage to come back and meet with the Jedi Council after falling to the dark side and returning to the light. She is a true warrior! I knew she would bear me strong, brave children. We were walking along and I was pouring out my heart to her, wanting her to be my mate. She had a face that would sour milk, let me tell you, and I despaired of ever convincing her. Then, about the time we got to the old Czerka offices, she jumped on me like a Telosian tiger. There was no holding her back! I was barely able to get her inside the old trading post or she'd have had me right there on the Great Walkway. I thought I was the most persuasive Mandalorian in the galaxy.' Bastila laughed.

'Hardly, Canderous, though I admit I was a bit touched at your sentiment. No, it was about that time that you and Carth must have gotten...involved...Fiala, and the rush of passion through our bond quite overwhelmed me. I didn't really know what I was doing. Poor Canderous was taken completely by surprise.' She blushed prettily.

Canderous grinned. 'That kind of surprise I can handle. Sounds like we all have fond memories of Kashyyyk, hey, Revan? Frankly, I didn't think Onasi had it in him to tackle you. Guess I owe him an apology. And thanks, as well.' I felt myself turning red.

'I'm sorry, Bastila, I forgot all about our link when we...uh...'

'Don't apologize. Oh, I admit, things were difficult at first. Canderous took my actions as a 'yes' when they were nothing of the sort. I was already confused and that didn't help me work things out any. At least, not until later, when I found out I was pregnant.' I raised my eyebrows. 'Oh, yes, we've been busy while you have been out saving the galaxy, Fiala! Little Canderous is nearly three months old now, and the joy of our lives. Of course, Big Canderous seems determined to repopulate Clan Ordo singlehandedly...'

'And with a mother like you, our clan will be the most glorious in Mandalorian history, wench.' He picked her up and laughed. My brain was still reeling. I helped myself to another drink while the two of them canoodled. I made it a double.

Jolee was a dead man.

I was pleasantly buzzed by the time we got somewhat caught up. Then Bastila dropped another concussion grenade.

'You are coming to the party next week, of course?'

'Party?' It was almost a wail. I drained my latest beverage.

'Jolee didn't tell you? He was supposed to invite you. The entire crew of the Ebon Hawk will be in town prior to the official ceremony, and we're all getting together here the night before, to catch up.'

'He failed to mention it. And he won't be there. Because he'll be dead.' I hiccupped lightly, gazing forlornly into the bottom of my empty glass.

'Oh, come on, it's only a small party. Just the old gang, nothing special. You'll need something decent to wear, naturally...'

I looked at my Jedi robes, surprised at her comment. 'What's wrong with these? These are what I always wear. Jedi don't have parties, Bastila.'

'Believe me, you need to wear something else. Even Juhani has civilian clothes. Don't you have anything?' I shook my head numbly and meandered to the bar. I could see where this was going. I made myself another double. Entire crew implied Carth. Clothes implied shopping. Maybe I could find a nice Sith army to take on instead.

'We'll take you shopping tomorrow, get you some things. Maybe get your hair done.'

My hair? What was wrong with my hair? I looked in the mirror in their living room and was a bit surprised to see a mildly frightening figure. No wonder Bastila had been taken aback at our meeting. My dark hair was pulled back severely into a plain tail. Dark eyes glared at me from a too-pale face, which bordered on haggard. Professional female assessment: I looked like I'd been rode hard and put away wet. And I'd be seeing Carth soon. Maybe Bastila had a point. It looked like I'd be going shopping. I shot Canderous a plaintive look as Bastila bustled away to another room. He was no help at all.

'No point fighting it, Revan, Bastila's a force of nature when she gets like this. And if you keep sucking down that panther piss, you'll have a fine hangover to enhance your shopping experience.'

He had a point. I dumped out my drink, apologizing for the waste, and got myself something non-alcoholic. I needed my wits about me for the coming battle. Battles.

I showed up at Bastila's the next day on time and was surprised to find Mission there as well. Looked like everyone was going to help me spend my hard-won credits. I ordered HK-47 to stay put so he wouldn't have to share my pain. When we left, he and Canderous were swapping bloody stories and enjoying themselves hugely.

I can't bear to go into the gory details of that day. I was as out of place as a kath hound at a swoop track. Mission and Bastila talked about my coloring and picked things for me to try on. I just tried to stay out of their way and off my aching feet. In the end, I vetoed most of their stuff and opted for a plain, simple look that they called 'classic.' I got several outfits, some for everyday wear and one for the party. I refused to pick up anything for the ceremony. I would attend that in Jedi garb, as it was an official event.

Then they had my hair cut, and it did look pretty nice compared to my normal long, severe ponytail. The hair felt odd swishing around my neck and shoulders, almost sensual. They talked me into doing makeup, too, and I was amazed at the woman in the mirror. She looked almost pretty. Then I looked at Bastila, and my illusions of personal beauty disappeared. Mission and Bastila applauded the changes and I was pleased despite myself. I balked at other things, like nails and jewelry. It was just too much. They said something ominous about getting to it next week, but I let it pass. Sufficient unto the day....

Bastila invited us to stay for dinner that night. Mission and I were chatting in the living room when Bastila came in with the baby. "Here, you hold him while I fix dinner." She handed little Canderous to me. I was petrified. "No, no, here, hold him like this, watch his head, there, relax, you have him." A tiny person looked up at me, waving fists. He contorted in all sorts of odd ways. I had no idea what to do with him. Bastila left for the kitchen.

Mission laughed. "He ain't venomous, ya know. Relax! He's a little sweetie, yes he is..." she cooed at the baby in an odd, high voice. He looked at her, kind of smiled, and made a weird yowling noise. "Look, he likes me!" She was delighted.

"OK, if you say so. How can you tell?"

"Well, he ain't screaming his head off, for one thing."

Little Canderous looked up at me and scrunched up his eyes. He seemed to realize that I wasn't his mother, and he didn't like it. He let out an ear-splitting yell and glared at me. He was working himself up for something even worse.

I Sensed him, and felt his tiny, bright life, already strong in the Force. He was uncomplicated, driven only by comfort, food, and something else... love, perhaps? It was hard to tell. He was working up a nice little rage, I could feel it. I reached out with the Force and soothed his anger, touched his mind with mine. He was interested, curious. We couldn't talk, but we could communicate in a fashion. He seemed to like me once we made contact. I opened my eyes to find him looking at me intently, apparently content. I smiled at him. He smiled back. His utter simplicity was refreshing.

"Hey, he likes you, too!" Mission was impressed.

"Yeah, he's a friendly little guy, isn't he?" I looked up. Canderous was watching me suspiciously. "You have an amazing son, Canderous. He's a real bruiser. You should be proud."

He grinned. "I am, Revan. He will be worthy to succeed me as leader of Clan Ordo once he grows to manhood." A Mandalorian with Force powers. What next? I handed Canderous to Canderous and wandered into the kitchen. Bastila was cooking from scratch, chopping things up, heating them, mixing them. It looked like sorcery to me.

"Can I do anything to help? How did you learn to do all this?"

She put me to work chopping some vegetables, teaching me the right technique. "My mother helped me learn how to keep up a household before she died. She was an enormous help, and a very good teacher."

"I'm sorry for your loss, Bastila. It must be hard after you just found her again."

"I miss her, but I don't grieve too much. The time we had together was more than I ever expected, and she was able to see her grandson born before she left us." She paused in her work, looked at me. "My life is certainly different from what I expected it to be last year at this time. And I can't say that I'm sorry."

"Sorry? I wouldn't think so. I've never seen you happier. Who would have thought it a year ago? Bastila, the good Jedi, becoming a rebel, defying the Jedi Order to follow her heart. And Revan, the Dark Lord, tearing her own heart out and becoming obedient slave to the Jedi Order." I couldn't manage the planned laugh.

"Fiala, I wasn't going to mention it," she said gently, "but since you brought it up... why did you reject Carth? He was so hurt when we left Kashyyyk. And I could feel how hurt you were. Why did you deny yourselves happiness? I don't understand."

I stopped chopping, looked at her. "You can ask that, Bastila? You, who touched the evil inside me and were nearly destroyed by it?" I resumed chopping, rather vigorously. "And, since we're speaking of Carth and me, how could you let have let it happen? How could you let us fall in love, knowing who I was? I understand why you didn't tell me. But why didn't you warn him, keep him from being hurt?" I was dripping tears onto the vegetables. I hoped the salt wouldn't harm them.

"Fiala, stop. Come here." Bastila took the knife out of my hand, led me out of the kitchen onto a small balcony, away from the others. "Listen, I would have warned Carth on Taris, but by the time you found me, you two had developed feelings for each other. I considered telling him every day, warning him away from you. But I watched you together. His gentle council led you more surely down the path of light than my best advice ever could. You wanted to please him, you listened to him, and it brought out the best in you. And I'd known Carth for more than a year and had never seen him so intrigued, so challenged, and so happy." She sighed, shook her head. "If I had thought it through, I might have said something even then. But all I could see was that you both were benefiting from the relationship. I hoped you would never find out who you were, that you could be together if it was meant to be. But then your Force powers started showing up, and you were a Jedi again, and, before I knew it, you and Carth knew who you had been. And still you loved each other. I was astonished to find it so after you saved me from Malak." She looked at me gravely. "If I had known the pain you both would be in now, I would have said something. Love is not part of our Jedi training, you know. I saw only the good. I didn't anticipate the anguish. I was a shortsighted, romantic fool. Please forgive me."

It took a minute to get myself back under control. "I'm sorry, Bastila. After all you have done for me, I carp at you over the one thing you didn't. Who knows? If you had warned him, he still might have fallen for me. I understand now that we all do the best we can, not being omniscient." We were silent for a moment. "I never thanked you, either. You have given me everything, Bastila. You saved my life, tried to guide me to the light side, gave me a second chance. And you were badly hurt by it. You risked yourself for me. It may be a year late, but thank you for my life, whatever it may be. I will try to make the best of it that I can, to undo what Revan did."

Now tears were running down her face. "You can't imagine what it means to hear you say that, Fiala. And you may very well have given me my life, as well. You redeemed me from the dark side and helped me find love. Thank you." We hugged, reconciled, then went back to the kitchen to finish dinner, working peaceably together in near silence.

After dinner, Mission taught us a new card game, Feza, she had learned on Coruscant. It was much more interesting than Pazaak, since each player held their cards and the others had to try to figure out who had the best hand without seeing anybody else's. It took some skill and deceptive qualities. I proved to be quite decent at it, though Mission was far and away the best Feza player. Jolee showed up and joined the game midway through. I glared at him, but couldn't kill him right then. Too many witnesses. He was pretty good too, which didn't surprise me. Deception is second nature to that codger.

The call buzzer sounded during one hand. My cards were a mess and I had folded early, so I went to open the door. My heart about stopped when I saw Carth Onasi standing in the doorway. No, wait, he looked different. Smaller, darker, younger. "D...Dustil?" I stammered. He stared at me for a moment, nodded.

"You're Fiala, right?" The voice was eerily similar to Carth's. Dustil extended a hand, which I shook. "The Jedi from the Academy on Korriban? It's nice to finally meet you in decent circumstances."

"Yes, it is. Oh, I'm sorry, come on in. We're playing Feza."

"Mission must be here, then." He laughed. "I'd better watch my credits. I don't have much. She usually gets them all from me." He squished in at the table between Mission and Jolee. "Deal me in."

A break in the game left me at the table with Mission and Dustil. I noticed they sat rather close together even when there was plenty of room at the table. Interesting.

"So, Mission, what have you been doing here on Coruscant for the last year?"

"Well, me and T3... I mean 'T3 and I', have our own little security consulting business." She noticed me looking hard at her after her grammar correction, turned a pale lavender. "I've been taking adult education classes, too. I never had a chance at schooling on Taris, and I figure I need it to get by here on Coruscant." She shrugged. "The way I see it, it's another tool for me to use, like a security spike, right?"

I grinned at her, pleased. "Exactly right, Mission. That's great, it really is. I knew you'd get by fine wherever you went and whatever you did." She smiled back.

Dustil blurted, "Hey, you're pretty when you smile. I see why Dad...urf!" He jumped and stared at Mission. I had the feeling that some signaling was going on below the tabletop. Mission looked pretty grim, so I stood, stretched. "I'm going to take a break, guys. Back in a minute." I strolled around the apartment for a bit, got a fresh beverage, and went out to the balcony for air, and a little solitude. I sat and stared out at the lights and traffic of Coruscant for a while. The energy of the city was relaxing and invigorating. All too soon, one of the balcony doors opened. To my surprise, Dustil joined me.

"It's pretty here, isn't it?" I said, to break the silence.

"Look, I never got a chance to thank you for what you did on Korriban." Dustil wasn't much for small talk.

"It was a pleasure, Dustil. I hated to see you get sucked in by the Sith. And it was tearing up your father. He saved my life; I owed it to him to help however I could."

Dustil took a deep breath, looked out at Coruscant. "He, uh, he told me about you. I mean, about who you were before."

I swallowed. "Oh?" I wasn't armed and couldn't tell if he was. I was sure I could take him with the Force, but harming Carth's son was the last thing I wanted to do.

He still didn't look at me. "He wasn't going to, but he saw how down I was after he got me and my friends off of Korriban. I felt terrible about joining the Sith, not that I'd had much choice. And he told me about you. How you'd returned from the Sith and redeemed yourself."

"Dustil, I don't know that our situations are the same. I didn't have much choice about leaving the Sith..."

"It didn't matter to me. What mattered that was, even after you found out you'd been Dark Lord, you stuck it out and stayed with the Republic. Knowing that really helped me hang in there. I'm in the Republic Academy now, along with most of my friends."

"How have you been doing?"

He shrugged, glanced at me sidelong and away just as quickly. "Good some days, not so good on others. Dad and I went back to Telos to visit. It was so strange. Like a dream had turned real. I didn't expect it to be there, but there it was."

"Yeah, I know just what you mean. Like when I first saw Canderous and Bastila, they didn't seem real. I thought...I don't know, I thought they were dead or something the whole time I was away from them. Then when I saw them real and alive, it was an odd feeling, like I was on the wrong world."

I saw understanding on his face as he met my eyes for the first time. "Exactly. I still have trouble some days figuring out what was real and what wasn't."

"You know, Dustil, it's nice to talk to somebody who understands, who's been there too. I'm glad we finally got to really meet, and to talk."

"There's one more thing." He took another breath, looked out at the city again. "Mission told me about you and Dad. She doesn't know exactly what happened except you guys seemed to be in love, then you weren't. All I know is that Dad isn't happy. And you don't seem to be either." He sighed. "If it's because of me, well, it shouldn't be. If it's none of my business, that's OK, too, but I wanted you to know."

I sat quietly for a moment, floored. "It...it wasn't because of you. I can't talk about it, but it wasn't you. But thanks. What you said means a lot to me."

"Well, I'm going back to lose what little I have left to Mission. Don't know why I bother with Feza; I may as well just transfer the credits straight to her account."

I chuckled. "Just be careful with her. I mean that in every way possible. Mission talks tough, but she has a soft heart. She's like a kid sister to me. I want to see her happy."

"Message received, loud and clear." He smiled wryly. "She's amazing. I've never met anyone quite like her before. And Dad already warned me, too. OK?"

"OK. Let's go lose our savings, shall we?"

We did.