Chapter 7: Knight Errant

I fumed as I paced before the Jedi Council. They had heard my entire story, questioned it front to back, dissected it to shreds with sharp, tiny knives. I had even managed to tell them everything that Malak had said. Now we were on the topic of Carth. I'd been honest about my feelings for him. They disapproved completely. I didn't care.

'You don't understand, people. Look, Bastila once called me a true servant of the light and asked me how I managed to stay on that path. I lied then, said it was easy. I tell you honestly now, it was entirely because of Carth. Each time I started to do something wrong, petty, or cruel, he called me on it. I felt terrible when he did. I love him, and I wanted him to love me.' I snorted. 'Great joke, isn't it? The Dark Lord of the Sith turned to the light because she wanted to impress a cute guy. But it doesn't matter anymore. I've given him up. What's the problem?'

'Why you've done so is the issue here, Jedi,' said Vrook.

'I relinquished the relationship voluntarily, before you ever had to ask me to do it. I can't relinquish my feelings. I wouldn't if I could. Carth's approval is what drives me. I strive to be worthy of him, even if I can't have him.'

'You need your own sense of right and wrong,' said Vandar, 'Rely on others, you must not.'

'The will of the Force is what should guide your actions, not love for one man,' said Veera, not unsympathetically.

'Maybe this is how the Force gets its message through to me. What do you want of me, anyway? I won't see him anymore.'

"The pain of lost love could easily drive you to the dark side. It would be best if you could give up the feelings you have, as well as the relationship," said Vrook. I shook my head.

'Can you tell us why, exactly, you left him?' from Jolee. He had been invited to sit in on the Council meetings for discussions concerning me.

'Two reasons. One, I'm dangerous to be around. I don't see any end to these assassination attempts. He would try to protect me, but I don't want to risk him.' Another attempt had occurred on Coruscant, right in the Jedi complex. That's why HK-47 was also sitting in on the Council meetings. They had agreed that I needed protection at all times. 'The other is I am uncertain that I can restrain Revan. I don't want her hurting him. Besides, I need your help to keep her under control, to strengthen my own personality. I don't think you would help me if I were Carth's wife, unwilling to join the Order fully.'

'Wife, is it?' queried Vandar, 'You would marry him?'

'If I were just me, yes I would, in an instant. I want nothing more. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be my fate.' I stopped my pacing, saw the Council members exchanging concerned looks. 'Look, this is hard enough as it is. Can't you accept my sacrifice and help me without further conditions?'

'What will you do if we cannot?'

'Join the Republic fleet, I guess, and be a soldier. I still won't go anywhere near Carth; I won't risk hurting him. If you expel me from the Order, I need someplace to go where I can be useful. Somewhere I can keep busy.'

'What will you do if we retain you in the Order? What do you want from us?'

'Help me learn how to keep Revan under wraps. And use me.'

'Use you, how?'

'Keep me busy. Let me work off my burden of evil.' Several of the Council scowled, though most remained impassive.

'For the last time, Fiala, you do not bear the fault for Revan's actions. You are a new and different person,' said Veera.

'Nevertheless, I feel the need to defy her however I may, undo whatever ill she did. Call it what you like.'

'Leave us, Jedi. We must consider.'

HK-47 followed me back to the quarters I'd been assigned. It happened for the first time in the hallway. Two Jedi of about my age were approaching from the other direction. They were engrossed in conversation, but glanced up at me as we neared. The man did a quick double-take and stopped, obviously shocked. The woman followed his gaze and also took a hard look at me. I stopped, not feeling particularly sociable.

"Something wrong, friends?" I asked softly. One hand rested casually on the hilt of my light saber. I really needed to drop the tough cantina attitude in the Jedi compounds, but old habits are hard to break.

"R-Revan?" The man spoke first.

"No. My name is Fiala."

The woman jumped in, still fascinated by my face. "You look so like her. We both studied with Revan. We heard she was dead. It's just...strange seeing somebody who looks so like an old friend."

"A lot of people make that mistake. I'm new here, new to the Jedi. You were friends of Revan's? I didn't think she had any."

"Oh, absolutely," said the man, "We were both her friends. She had many. We didn't follow her off to the wars, but we didn't blame her for taking off and fighting. Unfortunately, many others did follow her, and never came back. But that is neither here nor there, for you are not she."

"Yet you are new here, and alone. We would be your friends, too, Fiala." The woman held out a hand. "I am Reena, and this is Arnath."

I stared at her hand for a moment. If Revan gathered people to her, I wouldn't. "Thanks, but it's not healthy to be my friend." I resumed my trek to my quarters. I grew accustomed to the double-takes and stares after a few weeks. I never stopped to speak to any of them again.

The Council considered a long time. I hung fire, spending the hours reworking HK-47's programming to distract myself. The summons came late the next day. Vandar spoke for the group. "Divided in our minds, are we. But create you, we did. Help you, we must." I breathed a sign of relief.

"It will not be easy, Fiala, but I will help you strengthen yourself against Revan. This is not a normal endeavor. There are no established techniques. You will need to be an active participant and help me to help you," Veera said. I bowed thanks and acquiescence.

"There are two more matters we need to discuss with you. First, you have been traveling with Padawan Bastila, Padawan Juhani, and Master Bindo for some time now." Master Bindo? I quirked an eyebrow at Jolee. He nodded smugly. I smiled. Vrook continued without noticing. "All of them testify to your adherence to the light, your dedication, and your ability. We ourselves have seen your willingness to work, and the results of your labor. Therefore, we name you now a Jedi Knight." I bowed again and prepared to withdraw.

"One thing further. The crew of the Ebon Hawk was honored for their service to the Republic." I knew that. The festivities had been all over the vids and holos. "Though you were unable to attend the ceremony, you are entitled to the honor. On behalf of the Republic, it pleases me to present you with the Cross of Glory, highest honor that the Republic can bestow. Wear it with pride, Fiala Ja. You endured much in its achievement. You are well worthy of it." He pinned the medal on my Jedi robe, handed me the box for the trinket.

"Thank you, Masters," was all I could manage. "May I go now?" They granted me leave. I hurried back to my quarters. Halfway there, Jolee called after me, "Fiala, wait."

I waited, said, "Yes, Master Bindo?" as he approached.

He grinned. "Ah, cut it out. Don't stand on formalities with me. I wanted to talk to you, see if you're OK. You looked pretty sick back there."

"I call you Master with all respect, Jolee. You deserve it, and I'm happy for you. It's the first good thing I've heard in days. And don't worry about me. I'm getting by. After all, I'm a Jedi Knight and I have a shiny medal now." I couldn't help a little bitterness creeping in the last sentence.

"And knighthood and medals are the furthest things from what you want, aren't they?" I nodded, stared at the floor. He took my shoulders, made me look at him. "Remember what I told you on Kashyyyk? It gets better. Give it time. And don't pitch that medal. You may want it someday, when you can appreciate it more." How did he know what I was thinking?

"I'll stash it somewhere, Jolee, I promise. In the meantime, I need to prepare for my next session with Veera."

"I'm afraid it is going to be a long, hard road for you, kid." I shrugged. "Every accomplishment is another step forward. Do your best. Make me proud of you. Well, prouder than I already am."

"Thank you, Jolee. I'll try. But it's not easy. Absence of emotion doesn't bring peace. It just brings emptiness."

As I promised Jolee, I worked hard with Veera. She helped me learn to identify foreign thoughts, like those from my bond with Bastila and from the remnants of Revan's personality. If I could identify them, I could wall them off, resist them. She acknowledged our progress, yet seemed discouraged.

"Revan's personality is very strong. Unfortunately, I was not on Dantooine when you were trained. They thought it was too risky, because you might recognize me - as you did later, it turns out. Zhar told me of your amazing progress. I should have known then that Revan's return would be a danger. And your new self is very young yet. I'm glad your new personality is strong, too. But you must be sure to tell me if you find yourself having odd thoughts, strange impulses, visions, memories of when you were Revan. We may be able to use them, incorporate them into yourself without harming you. I fear it will be a slow process. And the pain you feel from losing your love gives the dark side of Revan an open door into your psyche. You must be on your guard, always."

"What else could I have done, Veera? Should I have stayed with him?"

"It's possible that he could have continued to be your moral compass. Yet what would have happened if you had a falling out? Or if, despite all your love and goodwill, Revan surfaced while you were with him? You have formidable power, Fiala. You could easily destroy the man you love." I was chilled. Jolee had been right. I was a deadly serpent.

One evening, my door chime sounded. I set HK-47 in position for crossfire on the door, turned on my shield, got one light saber in hand, released the door lock, and called, "Come in." The door slid open and there stood Juhani, alone. I was tickled.

"Juhani, come in! It's so good to see you. Where have you been? What have you been doing?" I deactivated my shield and had H stand down. Juhani looked a little taken aback.

"Shields and bodyguards and weapons within the Jedi compound? Is this really necessary?"

"I'm afraid so, Juhani. Come inside, have a seat. I won't hurt you. And HK-47 already has orders not to hurt any of the old crew. Come on, catch me up. Where have you been? What did you do after you left Kashyyyk?"

Juhani came in and handed me a small, fibrous square before taking a seat. "What is this?" I asked. I wasn't sure what to do with it.

"It is an envelope. It has a note in it...from Carth. It's an old-fashioned way of communicating. Look, here, you just slit it open, like so..." It was a good thing she had claws and could get the thing opened or I would have shredded it. "See, this is the note. Unfold it and you can read it as if it were a datapad."

"Oh, weird. OK, I get it. Why would anybody communicate like this? Do you mind if I read it now?"

"Go ahead, if you want to."

I was able to read the note, even though the letters didn't look like normal datapad fonts.

Dear Fiala,

Thanks for the use of the Ebon Hawk. Sorry to keep her so long. We didn't find Dustil on Telos and had to backtrack to Korriban. We got him and a few of his friends off OK. They were stuck there after our little adventure at the Sith Academy caused a general lockdown of Korriban. I hired a dock for the Hawk here on Coruscant and included her location and her current auth codes. The facility isn't cheap, but I know the port master and he takes good care of his ships. You can trust him.

Dustil and I are off to get reacquainted, then it will be back to the Fleet for me. They gave me a pretty long leave to get my family circumstances settled. Comes with being a hero, I guess. Thank you again for helping me get him back. Hope things are going well with you and the Jedi, and that you are doing better than you were on Kashyyyk. I worry about you.

I wish things could be different. I miss you.

Carth

I had to clear my throat before I could speak. "Thanks for bringing me this, Juhani. Did you go with Carth to Telos and Korriban?"

"Yes, all of us but Bastila went. She remained here on Coruscant with her mother and the Jedi Council."

"She found her mother? That's wonderful!"

"It is, though Helena is indeed very ill. They do not know how much time she has left, but it is not much. Have you not seen Bastila?" She had a curious look on her face, but I couldn't read it.

"No, I haven't. That's no real surprise. Jolee thought that close physical proximity was causing us both problems. They've probably been trying to keep us separated until we learn how to manage the bond between us."

"Perhaps. I hear you are now a Jedi Knight. Congratulations."

"Thank you, Juhani. What about you? You went through everything that Bastila, Jolee, and I did. You should be ready. You deserve the honor."

"I still must talk to the Council, re-establish my position in the order. I have hopes of Knighthood. It would mean so much." I felt miserable that I had dismissed as trivial that which Juhani prized so highly.

"Tell me about the ceremonies, and Telos, and Korriban...."

We talked long into the night. After she left, I read Carth's note again, several times. It was nice holding something he had touched. I thought for a moment, then put it under my pillow before I turned in for the night. Maybe those odd paper notes had some value, after all.

The following days ran into weeks, then months. I had asked the Masters to keep me busy, and they certainly obliged. I was off-planet more than on, helping Belaya and Juhani find Yuthura, who had disappeared on a mission; hunting down pockets of Sith; gathering information for the Republic; joining Republic soldiers for battles and skirmishes. The Council had me in for psych checkups and deep probes every few weeks, to see that Revan was still under control. I submitted to it with the best grace I could muster. On top of all that, I had to make regular runs to Kashyyyk and perform the duties of ambassador and confidential courier between the Wookiee Council and the Republic government. I never saw any of the crew besides Juhani, Jolee, and HK-47, and only HK-47 with any regularity. The assassination attempts became routine. I figured it was just a matter of time before somebody got me, but I seemed to have a charmed existence. Of course, I invested a lot in medpaks, too. And I was much, much more wary of others after my little fling with Bren.