Revan's Shadow: Chapter Nine

Carth heard Obtena's approach, quiet as it was, and wished the cockpit had a lockable door.

"Do you want to talk now?"

He tried to ignore her, kept fiddling with the controls; but having redirected his anger at Canderous seemed to have taken the fire out of his mood towards her. He still didn't say anything, instead pursing his lips as if in deep thought.

"You got pretty upset, the last time we spoke..."

Carth sighed. She wasn't going to give up. Perhaps he already knew it, but he didn't want to make it as easy for her as... ah, hell. "I, uh..." he trailed off, then grumbled, "I'm not very good at this." He swung the pilot chair around to face Obtena, took a breath, then paused again as he rose to his feet; if he was going to do this, he should do it properly.

"I owe you an apology. Uh, more than one, probably." He ran a hand back through his hair, though the same two strands flopped back forward as usual. "I was just so desperate to face Saul directly in the battle over Taris, and now the Jedi have us looking for these starmaps. It's just... I feel a bit useless. I can fly, and I can fight, sure; but I'm no Jedi... all this feels completely out of my league! But... this is more important. This may really, finally make a difference... and I suppose even if you don't tell me everything that's going on, I still want to help if I can."

Obtena shrugged. "If it's any consolation, I know how you feel. I didn't ask to be linked to Bastila, or become a Jedi; and yet here I am, trying to save the galaxy just like you wanted to on Taris."

With a wry chuckle, Carth nodded. "I hate not knowing what's going on and feeling this..." he searched for the right word.

"Helpless?" Obtena offered with a smirk.

"Out of control," Carth replied. "But I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I've been a royal pain in the backside, haven't I?"

"Completely, totally and utterly," Obtena nodded in mock seriousness, giving him her best imitation of his usual frown. He barked out an involuntary laugh at that.

"Well, I guess I should at least be a little pleased that I haven't lost my touch. So... I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology?"

"I don't know, maybe I should make you work for it," she decided.

"Oh? I don't know if I like the sound of that..."

"Do you want me to accept your apology or not?" Obtena asked with a pout.

"I don't know. What am I going to have to do for it?"

"For some reason, giving Zaalbar a kiss is the first thing that comes to mind..."

Carth gawked. "You're kidding! ...You are kidding, right?"

"Better than Canderous. I'm sure Zaalbar would permit it, if I explained why and asked him nicely. Or, I could give him no warning at all and he might rip off one of your body parts."

"Please thing of something else."

"Hm... shave your head?"

"What? I don't think so!"

"But I want to confirm the hairless Wookiee thing!" Obtena complained, then relented upon seeing his horrified expression. "Well then, how about just shaving your face."

"I... I don't know..." Carth said uncertainly.

"Ugh. Burn that jacket of yours?"

"Oh come on, I don't even wear it anymore!"

"So, you won't miss it."

Carth crossed his arms and glared at Obtena. "I'd rather shave."

"And stay clean-shaven? For the rest of the war?"

"There's nothing on this ship for me to shave with anyway."

"Vibroblade!"

"Oh, great idea. Next you'll suggest using your lightsaber."

Obtena scrutinized Carth's jawline. "Hm, I wonder if I could..."

Carth help up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Look, why don't I try working with you without jumping down your throat all the time, and go from there?"

"Oh, all right," Obtena grudgingly agreed. "But one of these days I'm going to make sure you wake up in some sort of embarrassing situation, and on that day I'll be there with a holocam."

"Then I guess we'll see if you can think of something worse than anything that ever happened to me during my academy years. When are we getting underway?"

"Tonight. There's just one more thing Bastila and I have to do first."

*

Obtena paused as they approached the cantina, and her companion turned to face her with an enquiring look.

"Have you decided what you're going to do?" she asked. Bastila's eyes fell, the answer reverberating between them as it did between the old feelings and her Jedi training. Or is it simply because of who she is? Obtena wondered. There's more to her than her training... despite her own efforts.

"Do you think I should give it to her?" Bastila asked, interrupting her line of thought.

"Do you need it more than she does?" Obtena shot back.

"I would like to keep something to remember father as much as she would," the conflicted padawan admitted. "I should... try and remember my training. I should be able to let go of this, but I can't."

"I think you'd still be having a tough time with it even if you weren't a Jedi, Bastila. There's a difference between the Jedi you're trying to be, and the person you are. Frankly, I like the person better."

"Of that I am very much aware, I assure you."

"Perhaps you should consider trying to mend things before she-"

"That would only lead to another argument. I always despised talking to her..." Bastila shook herself. "This is pointless. Let's just get this over with."

Obtena followed her inside and blinked rapidly a few times. "Can you see her?"

"She's here," Bastila replied, in a tone of voice that would have made Obtena think 'uh-oh' if she hadn't already felt Bastila's tension gradually increasing, the closer it got to this moment. Obtena doubted her companion's eyes adjusted any quicker. She must feel her. I wonder if I would have been able to feel my parents...

"Back already?" Helena asked as they approached. "Have you even looked for the holocron yet?"

"I have the holocron, mother," Bastila growled. She wasn't accustomed to growling, but seemed to be pulling it off rather too well on this occasion. "I'm just not sure I want to give it to you."

"And why not? Would you deny me even that?"

"I've never denied you anything, mother. You may think I don't remember what it was like before I left for the Jedi Order, but I do. You were the one who pushed father to go on one treasure hunt after another. You loved living in wealth. You think I don't remember the fights? You were eager to send me off to the Jedi, even though I didn't want to go. You took father away from me, and now this holocron is all I have of him."

"Foolish girl!" Helena scolded imperiously. "You have an odd way of remembering things! That wasn't-"

"No. I don't wish to argue anymore, mother. It's time we parted ways, for both our benefit." Bastila turned to the exit, but Obtena placed a hand on her shoulder. The Jedi 'princess' shrugged it off and glared at her, eyes betraying an old anger... and pain. Afterwards, Obtena always considered this the moment when she started to believe Bastila was truly human after all.

"Do you really need the holocron, Bastila?" she asked softly.

"I... perhaps not," Bastila admitted. "I can remember father well enough. But I ask you, why should she have it?"

"Is it too difficult to believe that I am a dying woman who simply wishes to see her husband one last time?" Helena interrupted.

"I find it difficult to believe anything you say, mother."

"It sounds like you've already made up your mind, after all... but if the only reason you want to keep the holocron is so your mother doesn't get it..." Obtena raised her eyebrows at her.

For a moment, the struggle between her vindictive and compassionate urges was evident on Bastila's face... and then with a long breath, she released her anger. "You're right. It shames me, but I just... I find it difficult to... let go of the past." Obtena nodded and took a step back, in the direction of the bar. Bastila turned to Helena. "I'm... sorry, mother."

Helena's expression softened in return when she realized her daughter was sincere. "I was hard on you, dear. I wasn't a very good mother to you, I know that. Your father loved you so. He wanted you to be just like him... he wanted to take you on his hunts, but I said they were too dangerous. I always tried to keep him from the dangerous ones, but he would have none of it. It was a reckless life we led, always moving... I didn't want that for you."

Bastila blinked in surprise; she had remembered nothing of this, but now the topic of some of the fights she remembered between her parents was becoming clearer. "So... that's why you gave me to the Order?"

"What do your father and I have to show for all those years of hunting?" Helena asked, tugging at her threadbare clothes. "Nothing. That was no life for anyone, especially not someone as gifted as you. Your father... he spent these last years trying to pay for my treatments. That's why he went for the pearls! I begged him not to, but..."

"Your treatments?"

"I'm dying, Bastila. I did not lie about that. It's been a long time coming, and there's really nothing that can be done anymore. I told your father to let me go, but you know how he was. Stubborn, just like you."

"I'm so sorry, mother. I don't know what to say..." Bastila stepped forward, and took Helena's hands in her own. Helena smiled feebly.

"Keep the holocron, Bastila. It would do me good to know you have it. This..." She squeezed her daughter's hands. "Talking with you... I think this is what I really needed, before I..."

"I know, mother. Thank you." Bastila actually gave in to an impulse and hugged her. "I'm glad we talked, too."

Helena returned the hug awkwardly, then gave a nervous little laugh. "Well, now. You said you had important business, and you were never one to mince words. You there..." she addressed Obtena, who had been pretending she was enjoying a Jawa beer and not eavesdropping. "Take care of my daughter, you hear me?"

"As if she'd let me," Obtena complained jokingly, with a wink at the daughter in question.

"Make her let you. Too much of her father..." Helena paused a moment as she caught on. "Ah. Well. Good. I'll feel a lot better knowing there's someone watching out for her."

"What are you going to do now?" Bastila asked her mother.

"It doesn't matter, dear. Don't you worry about me..."

"Here, take these five hundred credits," Bastila said, fishing the credit chip out of the pouch on her belt. "Go to Coruscant and find a doctor. I'll find you there after... after what I have to do."

"But I already told you there's nothing that can-"

"Please, take it. I... want to see you again, when we can talk."

Helena gave in and took the chip Bastila offered. "Alright, I will. Now you do what you have to do, Bastila. You go make your father and I proud."

"I'll try. Farewell, mother."

With a final smile directed towards both of them, Helena walked out of the cantina. Bastila leaned against the bar beside Obtena, who promptly offered her a sip of her drink. "More for me," she muttered happily when Bastila shook her head with a bemused smile. The padawan watched as her charge drained the rest of the glass in one go, acting as if nothing interesting had just happened.

"Thank you," Bastila finally spoke.

"Hm? For what?"

"You know perfectly well."

"Rescuing you from the worst swoop gang on Taris?" Obtena asked. "Letting you have your less-revealing clothes back so you could change out of that joygirl outfit? Against my better judgement, I might add. Getting you off Taris before the Sith got you?" She made as if she were to count further points off on her fingers, but Bastila interrupted by taking Obtena's hand in hers.

"That brought me a lot of peace... more than I thought it would have. Thank you for urging me toward it. After all my training I should have been able to handle that better. Apparently I still have much to learn."

"'All that Jedi training' doesn't leave much room for learning how to be a person, does it?"

"I wouldn't say that..."

"How many friends did you have on Dantooine?"

"Quite a few, in the beginning. When we were younglings we stuck together. Things changed as we got older. Some drifted away as the training became familiar and took priority over social concerns." Obtena idly wondered how many of the most social students became consulars, but Bastila went on. "Of course, things change as one discovers how strong they are in the Force. Once my battle meditation developed, I began special training to master it, which took up what little time I had left."

Obtena clunked her empty glass down on the bar and motioned to the door. Together they stepped outside and headed back to the hanger. "There is one thing I regret missing about my late training. I never got to see how the Jedi masters handle their students going through puberty. I bet you were a sexy handful in your teens."

"I was no such thing!" Bastila denied, though her cheeks did flush... or was that the outdoor heat? "It's true that indulging such instincts and passions is against the Jedi code, but our training included subjects such as sexuality, so we would be able to... handle the biological changes."

Obtena smirked. "And that was the only kind of 'training' you did, was it?" she asked, and giggled as Bastila's cheeks reddened further. "Tell me all about it. I want details. When, where, who, how..."

"It wasn't like that," Bastila admitted falteringly. She fell silent as she considered it, then sighed in resignation. "It was a holovid."

"An erotic holovid? How juicy was it?"

"Too... um, juicy. It wasn't erotic, it was pornographic. There are plenty of colonists on Dantooine, so it wasn't hard for a student to get their hands on something every now and then..."

"I can't imagine you doing that. I'm guessing one of the other students got it and you watched it as a group."

"Yes... and it was very... graphic."

"Hm. I imagine something like that could be a bad first impression."

"Probably. However, we had the wisdom to discern that the... standards represented did not reflect those of, well..."

"Real life. So you know not to worry about your center of gravity not being in your cleavage. Even if that peach number does its best to make it appear that way."

"I'm never going to hear the end about that, am I."

"Mmmno. It shows off too many sexy curves as it is. Putting a Jedi ice queen in it only makes it more noticable, especially when she's gorgeous enough to make it work."

"I am not..." Bastila cut herself short, then frowned at the unexpected compliment.

"Gorgeous?"

"An ice queen."

"And when you saw how well endowed the males in that holovid were, you swore that even if you weren't a Jedi in training, you'd never let a man near you, ever."

"Perhaps."

"Do you find Carth attractive?"

Bastila stopped short at the question, completely surprised. Obtena paused as well, waiting for her to answer. "I... am aware of it. And when I first took command of the Endar Spire, there... was mention of his reputation. Though I doubt, now, that it was well-deserved."

Obtena took Bastila's arm in hers and led her on. "Don't be so sure. Before we found you on Taris, he turned on the charm once or thrice. Out of habit, I think. And you've probably noticed the way he's looked at me every now and then, when we're on good terms that is. I think he slept around because it helped with whatever's really hurting him. There's more to it than a treacherous mentor." The pair entered the docking bay, and Obtena signalled to Carth in the cockpit. The Ebon Hawk's engines hummed to life as they approached the loading ramp. "Or maybe being on a ship where all the women are celibate Jedi is driving him nuts. Heh, maybe I should let him have his way with me after all."

Bastila looked down at her arm in Revan's, but did not try to remove it. "Given your attitude towards the Jedi, I must admit I was surprised you did not respond to his attentions as he would have liked."

"I won't deny that there's a temptation there, but there isn't that special... something. If we became lovers, it would just be for fun, and that's not what I'm interested in. Anymore. I think." Obtena recalled vague memories of past relationships without any real feeling. Meanwhile, Bastila gently withdrew her arm before they boarded the ship and came within eyeshot of Canderous. Apparently the link between them made her reasoning clear without Obtena consciously noticing it, as she squinted suspiciously at the grinning Mandalorian. "And what are you up to? Mission teaching you to whistle through the gap in your front teeth?"

Mission laughed at the idea, but held up what Canderous had been working on at the bench. "Calo Nord's armour," she explained. "Big C's finally found something he looks good in, though its taking longer to modify it. That guy was really short for a Mandalorian."

"Big C?" Bastila repeated quietly, the corner of her mouth tugging upward. Canderous gifted her with a malevolent glare before turning to Obtena.

"I should be ready to take on anything when we reach our next destination," Canderous announced. "It may not be Mandalorian battle armour, but anything good enough for Calo is good enough for me."

"Setting aside the fact that it already turned out not to be good enough for him," Obtena remarked with a raised eyebrow.

"You know what I mean," Canderous grumbled before returning his attention to the armour. Obtena gave a satisfactory chuckle; every opportunity to make the big brute think about something other than battle was a cause for celebration. She wondered how long the logic of his last statement would bother him before he was finally able to either reason it out or ignore it.

Dragging Bastila along with her again, Obtena whispered into the padawan's ear. "Canderous looks pretty good for his age too, hm? Think you could handle such a big strong man grunting and grinding away on top of you?"

"Don't even joke about that!" was Bastila's appalled response.