Scraping Together the Past, the Future and the In Between: Chapter VII: Glimpses to the Past

'We get a cargo container in a spacefreighter for three stims that are each worth hundreds of credits and far more than that on unofficial markets... Nice,' Rila said, inspecting the cargo container the size of a small room.

'Yeah, this is certainly either drug abuse or waste of medical equipment... But the best we can get, and at least we're still alive and heading happily towards Coruscant.' The man didn't seem too disappointed on their travelling deal.

'I wasn't complaining. I hope you have something to give us light in that bag of yours, or we'll have a dark journey.'

'We can use my datapad for a light source. Now let's step in, I can't wait to spend way too many hours in that container.' The man pushed Rila in the container, following after her and closing the door behind them. For a moment, everything was pitch black, until the man found his datapad among all the other stuff in his bag. The datapad's lit screen could only provide a dim pool of light in the corner where the two stowaways sat silently and waiting, but it was well enough for them.

For hours, the only things that broke the silence were the subdued noises from the cargo hold. The workers' voices, the clanking of machinery and the cargo that was being loaded in the ship didn't much disturb the man and Rila, as they were both occupied in their thoughts. Finally Rila turned her dark eyes on the man and opened her mouth to say something, but the man lifted his gaze from the floor and spoke before Rila could say a word. 'I understand that I pretty much ruined the life you had, so I owe you an explanation. Actually far more than an explanation, but it is something that I can give you, so...'

'Fine, tell me,' Rila said simply.

'Oh, I could use a juma right now...' The man muttered.

'No you couldn't, quite the contrary. You need to quit drinking altogether, and that's a professional opinion.' The fact that Rila's voice had instantly found its matter-of-fact tone again made the man smile. 'You promised to tell me something, so please do it,' the mirialan added more softly.

The man thought for a moment how he would choose his words and what to say, and then started talking. 'We are here because things have gone royally wrong with me recently. Most of it just happened, and then got a lot worse. One night I was sitting in a cantina and happened to talk about something I shouldn't have said anything about, not to anyone. The next thing I know is that because of what I said, I have to kill someone who will later give me trouble by the means of a bounty that is put on my head by his companions. Then I agree to do something to escape the trouble on Nar Shaddaa. That particular job was the one at your medical station, and so I get myself even more screwed up and you in the middle of all this.' Rila was looking at him intensively. He knew this though he didn't move his gaze from the floor in front of him, and continued talking.

'But what makes all this weird and even worse still is the Force. Somehow it has entangled in everything for the last couple of days, even though I have been trying to forget, suppress and leave everything like that behind me for something like ten years now. Nothing like this has happened before, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am just going crazy, losing it, and here we see the results.'

'You can't simply walk away from something like the Force. You know that, you were once a Jedi,' Rila spoke soothingly.

'But that is not what I am anymore. All of those things were of a time long time ago, of someone else.' His voice had become silent and depressed.

'Ten years ago were the Mandalorian Wars. What happened to you?' She asked.

'Enough,' the man said, getting up and taking steps towards the container's door.

'You can't keep running from your past when it's clearly holding you in its grip, affecting you, tormenting you. The acceptance is the only way out of it, to free yourself.' The man's hoarse voice interrupted Rila's kind, counselling words.

'I haven't really eaten anything in two days, I'll go find something to eat. I'll be back.' He left Rila sitting in the dark as he opened the containers door and walked in the cargo hold.

It was already morning on Nar Shaddaa and the sunlight from the docks stung his eyes. Though his reason for leaving had been more than half an excuse, he had told the truth about himself neglecting eating recently. The man strolled around in 'Latea Tek's huge cargo bay, finding nothing but sealed containers and machinery fastened in place for delivery. The docks seemed pretty quiet compared to the usual. It had to be very early still. Berd must be asleep at this hour, so it would probably be easy to avoid running into the dock supervisor here. Hopefully the thugs and bountyhunters of this moon hated early mornings as well. Currently the only person in the loading area was a human boy who was struggling with an enormous swoop bike. The boy was thin and small; he couldn't be older than15 or 16 years old. His striped hair ranged in colour from jet black to bright white and tan and it was hanging on the boy's face in a rather unruly mess. Overall, the boy looked quite comical in his swoop gear, trying to move the huge swoop bike almost twice his size.

'You need any help out there?' The man asked.

The boy answered, obviously pleased to hear the man's offer for help. 'Yep, that might be useful. They won't allow me to use the engines here and drive the bike in the cargo hold. The problem is that my bike, like the other as powerful ones, is quite heavy to move around manually. Even as good skills as mine with swoops won't help with this.'

'This is you bike? Impressive,' the man commented.

His question was answered by a proud smile and enthusiastic explanation. 'Of course it's my bike, and it is certainly impressive. You are not one of us swoop folks are you? If you were, you'd probably know me. I'm Mose, Mose Shade. I race swoops and honestly, I'm good at it.'

The boy's grin could hardly get wider, and the man smiled. 'It sure looks like it. Now let's get your bike in the cargo hold.'

Together they got the massive swoop bike moving and dragged it in its assigned place in 'Latea Tek's cargo hold. After securing the locking mechanisms that fastened the bike on its spot on the freighter's floor the man asked Mose to help him in return. 'There you go, it should be fine like this until we reach Coruscant. Now, could you do something for me, Mose? I'd need some food for the trip, but I can't leave the docks at the moment. Could you bring something for me from the city, I'll pay you for it.'

At first Mose's smile turned in to a frown, but soon the cheerful grin was back on his face. 'I don't like leaving my precious bike behind, though I'd like to return the favour. Hey, what if I give you a bag of dried chokie I reserved for a snack for the journey? I know it's not much, but they taste good and I could surely spare a bag for you.'

The man said his thanks to Mose as he accepted the offered food. 'This is more than enough for me, it could only get better if you had some juma to wash it down with,' he grinned.

'It's just too bad that I have none. If I wanted to, despite my age, popular swoop racers like me could have as much free beverages as one can drink on places like Nar Shaddaa. I actually have a fair amount of fans in the Galaxy already, and they say I'm a rising star...' It seemed that it was impossible for Mose to control the unstoppable flow of words from his mouth when it was possible to turn the subject of conversation to swoop races or his own skills in that particular sport. Mose began to explain his track records on Nar Shaddaa in excruciating detail and the man listened relatively happily, as he was unwilling to return to Rila in the cargo container. Then all of a sudden they saw two trandoshan mercenaries enter the docks. The man whispered a quick 'Gotta go' to the surprised swoop racer and disappeared among the countless cargo containers.

It didn't take long for the man to find the container they used for travelling. He sliced his way in with the security spike the dock officer had given him, stepped in and locked the door behind him. Silently he gestured Rila to keep quiet and switched off the light on his datapad. A complete silence and blackness filled the cargo container. For a long time nothing happened. Those who sat in the dark, sitting and listening, felt their hearts start racing when the echoes of footsteps could be heard from the outside. The heavy footsteps became distant and then disappeared completely. At first an hour passed in darkness, then another. After a time that was impossible to determine to anything other than very long the man's quiet words finally broke the silence. 'Are you awake?' He asked.

'Yes, I'd think so,' she answered.

The man's nod could not be seen in the inky blackness. It didn't matter though, because above all it was something he did to assure himself, to be convinced that what he was about to do was not a grave mistake. 'I have thought that... Maybe I should tell you,' he said.

'Tell me what?' Asked Rila, wondering and remembering their last conversation, which had ended without him actually telling much.

'To answer what you asked me about a while ago. About what happened to me,' he explained in a voice that somehow sounded unusually subdued.

Rila's response in return was gentle and firm, like her voice often was when it wasn't the direct, matter-of-fact voice of a professional healer that had already become quite familiar to the man. 'Above all, I wanted you to clear that up to yourself. But yeah, go ahead, speak.'

The man started talking, his voice finding its normal strength gradually as the story of his past unfolded. 'When it all started, I was a young Jedi Knight. I heard the Council say that I was a very promising Jedi even, and they had high hopes for me. I guess I had too. Ever since I was a kid I was so happy to be trained in the ways of the Jedi, to become one. Some called it pride, but to me it was all idealism, belief in the good and will to become better. I had a Master whom I trusted and respected probably more than anyone, and good friends. There was always some sort of serenity and faith in the future although you couldn't avoid seeing the grim sides of life as a Jedi. When the peace was broken in the Outer Rim, it was as well broken in the minds of everyone in a less concrete way. The Mandalorian Wars started it all. The Jedi Order began to fall apart, and that was when I was starting to fall apart too, I guess.'

'Of course there had always been disagreements within the Order before, but the ones that came with the Mandalorian Wars developed into an open conflict that divided the Jedi and turned them against each other. This is all commonly known history and something you've surely seen and heard. But what it meant to me... If there was confusion and conflict within the Order, there was also one in my mind. I equally felt the need to act, to do my part in ending the destructive war that was killing millions and threatening the Republic itself, and to dutifully trust in the Council's wisdom and stay out of the war. After Revan and Malak had made their decision to defy the Council and aid the Republic against the mandalorians there were soon many who were eager to join them. Then there were others, who supported even more strictly the Council's decision to stay back and watch.'

'My Master was one of those Jedi, who sided with the first group. His conscience took him in the war and he became one of Revan's generals. I would have probably trusted his judgement and followed my Master in the war, if it wasn't for a friend of mine. She was someone whose opinions I always understood and respected, someone who was really important for me. She did everything she could to convince me to stay out of the war, and so I did. Then the news about the Jedi who had joined the war falling to the Dark side started arriving at the distant Jedi enclave on Dantooine. It was when things escalated into something we now call the Jedi Civil War. I heard that my Master, the man whom I had known as a living example of what it meant to be kind, wise and just had become something of an emblem of extreme evil. This was difficult for me to believe and accept, as his reasons for doing what he did had been so well founded and sincere. My friend was no less certain of the righteousness of her thoughts and plans. Once again, I perfectly understood the reasons behind her decision as well. Still, I was glad that she never asked me to come with her, as I couldn't have done that. She left to fight the evil that was this time those who had not so long ago left to fight the evil, but were now said to have become it themselves. At this time I didn't really know what to think about anything anymore.'

'Everything I had believed in seemed to be dependent of the point of view, including those things that should have never been such, not for the Jedi at least. What were our true values, really? What were we living and dying for? It all crumbled down around me. The differences between the Light and the Dark, the right and the wrong, the good and the evil were lost to me. My indecisiveness, my confusion and my frustration left me on Dantooine until I again received news from the war. Hearing that my former Master had killed my friend was the last thing needed to close this chapter of life for me. Being Jedi had no more meaning for me, it had turned into something ugly in my eyes. I no longer wanted to have anything to do with such an ambiguous, hypocritical and twisted thing. In sorrow and disgust I left Dantooine and my previous life, not knowing what to do or where to go, and this is where I ended up. It's quite pathetic really, but this is how it is.'

Rila saw a sad smile on the man's face as she turned on the datapad's lit screen. 'Thank you for telling me,' she said. Right that moment the freighter's engines let out a humming sound that turned into a load roar a second later. 'Latea Tek' launched off the docks at Nar Shaddaa and began its journey towards the shimmering stars.