Self-Betrayal

(This is not as complete as I would have liked...a week of extra time and I end up rushing. *sigh*)

'This is a meditation crystal,' Quatra said to me as she passed the chunk of semi-translucent rock into my gloved hands. In those days I looked upon my Master with respect, to my younger, my innocent, my foolish, self, she seemed to have infinite wisdom. 'Whenever you find your self uncertain, Tela, focus your mind upon the crystal and it will help to clear your thoughts through meditation.'

I should have known then it was a warning of what I might become.

Choosing to fight along side Revan was my decision, and I thought it was justified. I told myself that I wanted to protect the Republic, that it was a Jedi's responsibility to defend order: But secretly, I had longed to see battle ever since I was an apprentice. To the Echani, battle is an art form and despite the teachings of the Jedi, I did not want to sever my ties to my home world and its traditions. I wanted to fight, not just as a Jedi, but also as an Echani warrior and I think Atris knew that, because of all the Council she tried to stop me from following Revan the most.

But my passion got the better of me, exactly the way the Council feared it would. I found myself giving in to all the emotions I knew I should not, but I found that passion and anger gave me an edge in battle. I wondered how anyone could stay impassive in the heat of combat, even a Jedi and whether Revan shared this passion, she was always difficult to read. Malak certainly did give himself over to the same emotions that often coursed through me, and not just on the battlefield.

It was during the battle campaign on Dxun that I saw a crack in my meditation crystal; it was only a tiny hairline fracture in its surface but the sight of it made me realise the consequences my actions could have. I tried to meditate, to clear my mind of the hatred and passion that was clouding my judgement, but I kept thinking of how elated I felt when the bloodlust surged through me and of the passion I thought I saw in Malak's eyes whenever he looked my way.

I heard a tiny splintering sound: The crack in the crystal had widened visibly. Instead of the crystal helping me to focus my thoughts, my thoughts were destroying it. I knew then that I was going to regret defying the Jedi Council for the rest of my life. But I had followed Revan too far, I had seen too many victories, and most of all... I was too proud, to return to the Jedi. The thought of returning to them, to place myself at their mercy and admitting that they were right to forbid me to fight, fuelled my rage. And that of course made the crystal crack even further.

Malachor V: It was both my fall and my salvation; it broke me beyond anything I had imagined, but it saved me from what I would have become. It hurt me to know that it was not my own actions that pulled me away from the lure of the dark side, but I did not have the strength to pull away on my own. Knowing that you are weak is a painful truth to acknowledge, especially when you are supposed to be a Jedi Guardian, charged to protect those that cannot protect themselves.

I remember feeling my mind disintegrating as everyone around me was crushed by the artificial gravity created by the Mass Shadow Generator. By reflex, I tried to use the Jedi meditation techniques to block out the pain and screams of the deaths I was causing. I tried to focus my mind upon my meditation crystal, forgetting the damage my earlier angry thoughts had inflicted upon it.

The instant my thoughts focused upon it, the crystal in my belt pouch shattered: The shards of the crystal scattered across the battlefield, some tearing through my robes and embedding themselves into my flesh. At that instant I lost my connection to the Force, but I didn't realise it, I was too busy screaming as I was nearly crushed under a battle droid that was plummeting out of its low orbit.

I felt everything at Malachor; I could not block any part of the battle out and the pain still echoes within me. I felt the deaths of all who were around me, both Republic troops and Mandalorian warriors. I knew their pain, I knew their fear and I finally saw that battle was not the glorious tradition that the Mandalorians saw or the sacred tradition that the Echani held dear. It was mindless, needless death and it was my hands that Revan had used to destroy all these lives: It was by her command that I told my men to use the Mass Shadow Generator.

And as I lay under the rubble, my mind ravaged by the deaths of thousands, my torn flesh bleeding sluggishly, I wondered if Revan had planned for me to die. She had lied about our chances of high casualties in the war, so I wondered how many other lies she had told me. Was she using the war as an excuse, a front for some other, more sinister goal? I had followed her for my own selfish reasons, why wouldn't she have her own motives too?

I felt that she had betrayed me.

I wondered if Malak had also lied, if he had also planned to get rid of me... if that emotion I had seen in him was also a lie: If he had lied to me in his bed as well as on the battlefield. Did he ever really love me, or did he just enjoy doing what he knew was wrong?

I felt that he had betrayed me.

But, by refusing to acknowledge my weakness, by making the protection of my wounded pride more important than the lives of others... I have caused so many deaths because of my arrogance and my folly.

I have betrayed myself.