Chapter 5: Heartbreak

Zaalbar, Jolee, HK-47, and I waited by the old Czerka landing platform, along with numerous Wookiee guards. The small Republic shuttle settled gently. I closed my eyes against the litter of dust and leaves kicked up. I was unaccountably nervous. Vrook was alone and the odds were in my favor if anything unpleasant transpired, yet I was uneasy. But it was good to feel nervous. I was tired of feeling nothing.

The landing ramp descended, but nobody appeared. We waited. I grumbled to myself about Vrook's apparent theatrical bent. We waited some more. Finally, a lean, fit figure in a spacer's jumpsuit and cap swung down the ramp. "Hey, folks, anyplace a thirsty space jockey can find a brew in this quadrant? Bren Timon, pilot to the Jedi, at your service." His bright blue eyes twinkled as he advanced, looked me up and down, and grinned. Typical pilot. I ignored him. Jolee stepped in. "Welcome, Bren. I'm Jolee Bindo. We can get you a guide to the nearest alehouse, but, I warn you , Wookie beverages are not to be trifled with. I'm afraid no lodgings were prepared for you."

"Doesn't matter, I always sleep on my ship. I'm just looking for some fun," Bren grinned, then looked me over again. "And some company, sweet thing." I glared, remained silent.

"Gorrowook will guide you, Pilot Timon. And do try to behave. It's not good policy for a lone human to stir up trouble in a Wookie bar."

'Message received, commander.' Timon tipped his cap jauntily and followed the Wookie from the platform. His jumpsuit fit him very well. I caught myself looking after him, shook myself sternly, and focused on the business at hand. It wasn't easy, now that I knew what I was missing. It occurred to me that maybe with somebody else, someone I didn't feel anything for, there might be just the pleasure and none of the pain. I glanced at Jolee, caught him watching me, and blushed.

"Thinking about a little hair of the kath hound, Fiala?"

"Keep your mind on business, old man. This is important."

"As a Jedi, I'm not saying it's a good idea, but as a human being, it isn't always a bad idea either. But you need to figure out..."

"I can't believe we're standing here talking about my love life. Let's drop it, shall we?"

"Sure, you got to hear all about my love life, but now..."

Fortunately, another figure strode down the ramp and clear of the ship. I advanced to meet him, weaponless. Before I could speak, Vrook's voice rang across the platform.

"So, Revan, I am here as you required. What would you? Planning to destroy the Council one member at a time?"

Vrook's jibe didn't bother me, but it bothered someone else. Zaalbar moved up to stand at my shoulder. "She isn't Revan, she's Fiala! What proof of her worth do you need? She found the Star Maps, brought Bastila back to our side, defeated Malak, and helped destroy the Star Forge. She did everything you asked, and more. What does it take to convince you of her honor, her integrity?"

Vrook started to reply, but I cut him off quickly. "He's right to be suspicious, Zaalbar, just as I'm suspicious of him. We both have a lot to discover about each other's motives and plans. That's why we're here. Please, let's not get started on the wrong foot. Master Vrook, you are welcome here, and I thank you for coming alone. I promise to deal in good faith. A residence has been prepared for your comfort. I shall take you there. When you are ready, you can join us in the council hall."

"Well said, Fiala." A woman's voice came down the landing ramp, followed by the cloaked figure of the woman herself. The voice seemed familiar. She moved to stand next to Vrook. Her hood concealed her features.

"You bring a companion when we agreed you would come alone, Master Vrook?" I was wary, but sensed no threat.

"You wanted answers, Revan ... or Fiala, if you will have it so. I brought you the best person to answer them. May I introduce Master Veera to your company."

'Master Veera, you are also welcome here, though I admit I do not understand the reason for your presence."

Veera dropped her hood. She had a long, elegant face with blue eyes and grey hair twisted into a crown. She was lovely in her way. But it wasn't her appearance that struck me - it was her familiarity. I stared at her intently, barely breathing.

"Pardon me, I don't mean to be rude, but should I know you?"

She smiled, kindly, I thought. "Possibly. Do you recall me, Fiala?"

"I seem to," I said slowly, thinking hard, stomach jumping. Then, stupidly, I blurted, "Are.. are you my mother?" I hadn't known what I was going to say until the words tumbled out. I flushed, flustered.

"Not really, child, no. I am not your biological mother. But your instincts, the Force, and perhaps some residual memories lead you in the correct direction."

I went cold. "You're... you're my... programmer!" I spat. "How dare you face me after what you did?" My hands itched for lightsabers. I folded my arms and hugged myself, trying not to retch.

Vrook rumbled, "It seems I am not the only one with misconceptions." He laughed humorlessly. "I am surprised you remember her at all, Revan, considering the shape you were in when she healed you."

"'The will of a Sith Lord is not so easily manipulated,'" I said bitterly. It was a mistake. He couldn't possibly know it was a quote.

"Sith Lord? We will not go down to you easily, Revan!" Vrook lighted his saber and took a defensive stance. Zaalbar raised his bowcaster, but held fire. I didn't budge, nor did Veera. I had already ordered HK-47 not to attack Vrook, and I trusted the judgment of my other companions.

"Peace, Vrook. Peace, my friends," said Veera sadly, "Vrook, I don't know why she said that, but I don't feel she is threatening us. My dear Fiala, I see now why it was vital that I see you. I can explain to you some of what you need to understand about yourself. The plain fact that you believe you are some sort of.. droid.. is very dangerous. But now is neither the time nor place. Your plan seems a good one to me. Shall we go?"

"Please follow me." I turned on my heel and led the way off the platform, trusting that the militant factions would take the hint and stand down. Vrook, Veera and I made it to their residence without further hostilities, HK-47 trailing as rearguard. I bowed them inside. "Please call for anything you may need. We will convene there, in the Chieftain's Hall, for a meal in an hour if you wish to join us. Our first meeting will follow immediately." I pointed to the hall, within easy walking distance.

"We brought our own supplies," groused Vrook.

"That would be lovely, dear, we will be there," said Veera, elbowing Vrook in the breadbasket. Veera smiled. Vrook scowled. I left.

We tackled the legal issues first, right after a meal. Vrook carried my Republic citizenship identification and a full pardon for any and all crimes committed by Revan before the Jedi captured her. Zaalbar had one of his own lawyers present, examining all the agreements and asking detailed questions about various aspects of law which never would have occurred to me. You can't fully understand the meaning of the term "adversarial legal system" until you've seen a Wookie lawyer argue. In the end, the lawyer figured out a solution that satisfied everyone. She agreed that the pardon was acceptable, but was uncertain of my precise legal identity within the Republic. That's how I, Fiala Ja, became a citizen of planet Kashyyyk and an official diplomatic attache of the Wookie Council. The position of ambassador to the Republic brought well-defined legal rights and protections, no matter what my Republic citizenship status. Zaalbar expected the paperwork to clear within a day or two. I was touched.

"Funny," said Jolee, "you don't look like a Wookiee."

"You're just jealous, old man. You've been here for years and never got citizenship. Zaalbar, you've saved me again. I'm going to end up owing you a life debt, my friend."

The village had a small celebratory feast that evening. I had to attend, being the guest of honor, though my heart still ached. Partying was the last thing I wanted to do. It was quite an experience. I can't do it justice, that's for sure. Bren was there, of course. Spacers always find parties. He didn't speak or understand Shyriiwook, so he was forced to keep us Jedi company. Bren was engaging, charming, and funny, as he told stories of his travels and adventures. He even had sour old Vrook in stitches at times, something I never expected to see. I sat and sipped the potent Wookiee beverages slowly, and I noticed Bren was pacing his intake as well. That surprised me. I'd expected him to be a serious drinker.

When the music and dancing started, Bren pulled me to my feet unceremoniously. I protested that I couldn't dance, though I had no idea if it was true or not. "I dance well enough for both of us, sweet thing," he bragged, and swung me out among the huge, hairy dancers. He was right, too. He held me tight against his lean, strong body and steered me around the dance floor so well that it felt like I knew what I was doing. I started to relax after a few steps, when it became apparent I could trust his lead. "That's better, relax and enjoy," he smiled down at me.

"Sounds like your philosophy of life, flyboy." My stomach clenched as I said the word, and it must have shown on my face.

"What's wrong, honey, some bastard break your heart? He must be an idiot, from what I can see." Those amazing blue eyes were frankly admiring in his tanned spacer's face, framed by dark blond hair.

"No, that's just how you pilots are, right? Girl in every spaceport. Love 'em and leave 'em." I certainly wasn't going to tell him the truth.

"Ah, forget about him. Just enjoy the moment, the music, and the good company." He grinned again. I almost smiled back.

He kept me captive for a couple of dances, which I enjoyed way too much. I slipped away when he went for refill, feeling excited, confused, guilty, and unfaithful. The music continued out in the night as I slid into bed, alone, lonely.

My feet pounded the deserted Great Walkway in the dim early light the next morning. When I'm bothered, I run, and I'd been running a lot since the Hawk left. It helped clear my mind, blocked out the pain. The Wookies were enormously amused by the sight. They get around quickly when they want to, but the idea of running for relaxation never crossed their collective mind. They must have all been hung over after the party, because nobody was around.

I was in a good groove, running easily, breathing in rhythm with my stride, when I heard other footsteps slowly gaining ground. I kept my steady pace, half hoping and half dreading who it might be. There weren't many options.

Bren swung in beside me, slowed to match my pace. I glanced at him, and he grinned at me. He had a nice smile, and those blue eyes were mesmerizing. I smiled back and picked up the pace a hair, pulled away. He matched me. I turned it up again, and again, he paced me. Soon, I was running flat out and he was still with me, easily. I finally pulled up in a remote alcove, winded, and sauntered around a bit to cool off.

"Good run, sweet thing. I get tight spending days on a ship. Feels good to get out and really stretch my legs," Bren panted. "Looks like you feel the same way I do."

"I run to get away from predators and enemies," I gasped. "Sometimes it doesn't work."

"Hey, that hurts! What did I do to deserve that? I thought we were friends after last night." He looked hurt. I wasn't buying it. He reminded me a lot of Griff Vao.

"Sorry, Bren, I'm just not interested,' I lied. He looked darned good stripped down for running.

"Sometimes, the best medicine for a broken heart is a nice, no-strings fling. We're the only two humans on this planet - well, besides the old folks - and who's to know? We go our separate ways after I've delivered you back home. No attachment, no heartbreak."

Why was this offer so tempting? I was lost and empty. Maybe this was what I needed to feel something -- anything - again. He moved closer, and I didn't step away.

"We danced so well together last night. I know you felt it too. What's the harm?" He was well-muscled and lean, glistening with sweat.

"I don't want to fall in love again, Bren." I leaned against a railing, facing him. He came over to lean right beside me, not touching, but close enough I could feel his warmth along my side.

"Love?" he said, "I'm not looking for love and neither are you. We're just a man and a woman alone together. Let's enjoy it."

I considered a moment longer, weakening. "No strings?" I whispered.

"Whatever you want, sweet thing," he murmured. Oh, well, what the hell.

I moved into his arms, closed my eyes, pretended it was someone else. The taste, the scent, the feel were different, but it was working, the feelings were coming back. We stood on the deserted walkway, kissing slowly and deeply, then harder and more urgently. He kissed every bit as well as he danced. Bren brought a hand between our bodies, fumbling at his belt. I leaned back a bit to give him room, then pushed him away strongly, stumbled backwards, sat down hard on the causeway.

The hilt of a knife stuck out from my chest, quivering with each heartbeat before my amazed eyes.

He laughed. "My employers told me you'd be a hard target, Revan. They underestimated my ability to find your weak spot. You were so easy, this was barely fun at all. Sorry you're still alive. I don't usually miss like that." He eased closer and knelt beside me, cupping the back of my neck with one hand as gently as a lover, a thumb beneath my jawbone tilting my head up to look at his face instead of the knife. His eyes were bright and hungry. "One twist, and it'll be over quickly, sweet thing." Over quickly sounded appealing. Cold crept through me. I sagged against his supporting hand, watching him. He lowered me slowly, almost tenderly to the causeway until I was prone, stroking my cheek with his thumb. He licked his lips, reached for the knife hilt with his free hand. His eager face captivated me. His gaze locked onto my eyes, and I knew that he wanted to watch them glaze and dull as I died. Was that how I had looked as Revan, avid for another's pain and death? It wouldn't matter soon. It would be over quickly. I could rest. I smiled, happy for the first time since Leviathan. Bren hesitated, confused, suspicious.

A roar broke the stillness of the morning as a brown, hairy giant dropped onto Bren, swinging a huge hand. Amid the roar, I distinctly heard Bren's neck snap. He flopped onto the causeway. The Wookiee stood and roared again in rage, then quickly knelt by me, taking my wrists gently in giant hands as I reached for the knife hilt.

"Don't draw it, you'll bleed to death. Hold still. I'll take you to get help. You might live if the other Jedi can help you." She picked me up like a small child, cradling me, loping along the causeway at great speed. Pain lanced through my chest at every breath, and I was shivering, cold. The rhythmically quivering knife fascinated me. When would it stop? What would I feel when it did? Would I have time to know it had stopped before the darkness came? Would there be anything past the darkness? Would anyone grieve for me?

The Wookiew, Rrowoofezaworl, talked to me the whole way back to the village. "I am ashamed, Fiala. We should have been more on guard. We are to protect you here, and we have failed already. I was not sure if what I was observing was an attack or a human mating ritual, so I delayed until I saw the knife. It is a good thing you humans never look up into the trees or he might have completed his work more quickly. You must live through this or our honor is tarnished forever."

She was ashamed? I'd let my own desires overcome caution. I was ready to welcome oblivion without thinking how my death would affect the Wookies, or anyone else. And I certainly had not been trying to help myself when she stopped me from touching the knife. I was ashamed.

The village was in an uproar, wakened by the bellows of my giant guardian. She carried me straight to Jolee, and laid me gently on a table. Veera and Vrook hustled in, looking stunned. I grabbed the Wookie's arm with a numb hand. "What happened was my fault, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed of." I let her go, noticing that my fingernails were deep blue. Jolee and Veera examined the knife. Jolee was pale.

"It's not good, kid. Hang in there."

'Hey, Jolee, I look like Mission. Look, see?' I waved a blue hand at him, feeling cold and lightheaded.

"Right in the heart," said Veera, grimly, "we need to fix this now, Jolee. You sense the wound and draw the knife slowly as I heal the wound behind you. Stand ready to assist with healing if need be. Vrook, help Fiala through this. She's in shock, she mustn't move, and there is no time for painkillers." At those words, Wookies moved forward and held me down at shoulders, hips, arms and legs.

"It's OK, it doesn't hurt," I mumbled pointlessly. They all ignored me.

Vrook clamped my face between his hands, looked at me upside down. I giggled. He was ugly enough rightside up.

"Meditate with me, Jedi. Focus your mind and center. There is no emotion, there is peace..."

Jolee reached for the knife.

It wasn't as bad as I expected, with Vrook helping. I was still shivering and unable to rise when they had finished healing me, but at least I wasn't loopy anymore. Jolee held the bloody knife as if it were a viper. One of the Wookies brought an enormous blanket and wrapped me in it.

"You're lucky it wasn't a vibroblade," said Veera, "That would have sliced your heart to pieces instantly." She moved off and I heard her rummaging around.

"And so it starts," said Jolee, "You expected something like this, didn't you? Who did it?"

"The pilot," I said, "And I didn't expect anything here, now. I figured the attempts would start after we returned to Coruscant." My teeth were chattering. "Give me the knife." Jolee handed it to me doubtfully. It was a long, slender, lovely, silver thing, smeared with my blood. I needed to clean it.

"Bren tried to kill you?" said Vrook, "No wonder he used a regular knife. We swept the ship for weapons before we left. Detectors would have picked up the energy cell of a vibroblade, so he used a primitive weapon. But why would he kill you? How was he able to strike you so badly? And where is he now?"

My face grew warm, and Jolee coughed. "I was taken completely by surprise. He's dead on the walkway back toward the ship." Veera brought a huge, steaming mug of something, helped me sit up and drink it. It was awful, but I was thirsty and the warmth spread through me quickly. The shivering eased. I nodded appreciation to her. "He was a hired assassin, said something about his employers. I think he'd killed before, and probably favored this knife. Also, he called me Revan.'

"That's no surprise," said Jolee, "Folks in spaceports have called you that since Leviathan. Word is out. I fear there will be more attempts, Fiala."

"This ill-advised little adventure may have some benefit, then," said Vrook. "There is to be an awards ceremony for the crew of the Ebon Hawk for your role in the destruction of the Star Forge. They were going to wait for the rest of you to return. I'll let the organizers know to go ahead without those of you who remain here. No point splashing your face all over the holos, Revan."

"Fiala," I said, suddenly weary. I lay back down. I still held the knife, blade lying gently along my forearm. I heard Veera say something like, "We should let her rest..." then I was gone. I wonder what she put in that beverage.

Somebody was shaking my shoulder. "What is it with medics?" I groused without opening my eyes, "When you're awake, they knock you out. When you're asleep, they wake you up." I heard a familiar snort.

"You've been sleeping on that table for hours. You make one lousy centerpiece. Come on, get up. You should be able to get around now."

"I don't want to wake up, Jolee. I never wanted to wake up again." I opened my eyes, stared at him hard. "Why did you save me? Why not fail, and give me peace?"

"Oh, no, don't try to put that on me. Decisions of life and death are not up to us. We saved you because we could. You had a knife in your heart and lived through it. It wasn't your time to go. I told you before, you have a destiny." He frowned at me. "Also, you're my friend. I won't let you die right in front of me without trying to save you.' He smiled wryly. 'Besides, we were surrounded by a few dozen Wookiees who might take your death personally. Saving you was the safer course of action for all of us."

"I thought I fulfilled my destiny, destroying the Forge and killing Malak. Isn't that enough?"

"Apparently not. Destiny is a funny thing." His face softened. "Listen to me, Fiala. I've been where you are now, after Nayama. Believe me, it gets better. It may take a long, long time, but one day you'll suddenly realize that you are happy when you never expected to be happy again. Then another day will come when you'll be truly glad you are alive. Until then, you're going to have to scratch and claw just to survive, but you will. You're a fighter."

I lay silent for a moment, then wiped away tears and sat up, got dizzy. "I need to get cleaned up, I'm a mess. And where on Kashyyyk am I going to get a new shirt?" I still cradled the knife. Jolee reached for it, but I clutched it tighter. "I'm keeping this." He looked at my face and thought about arguing. "Don't worry, Jolee, I won't use it. Nothing is going to touch my heart again, ever." He shook his head sadly and helped me off the high table so I could scratch and claw my way through another bleak day.