Chapter 4: Retreat

The sounds of slow breathing filled the starboard women's quarters. Mission was snoring gently. I activated my stealth belt and rose slowly, lifting the bedcovers away from the pack hidden there. The common area was deserted as I slunk through into the sick bay. The hypos that Jolee had prepared to sedate Bastila and me were still in the drawer where he had secured them. I dressed, then loaded all the hypos into my waist pouch.

It was a stupid risk, but I reactivated the stealth belt and crept into the men's quarters. There was no need for stealth with the racket in there. Carth was tangled in the covers in his bunk, barely visible by the night lighting in the ship. I watched him sleep for a long time. He never woke.

The main boarding ramp was closed at night, so I slipped out the manual emergency hatch in the engine room. The Kashyyyki night was chill, humid, alive with sound, and very dark outside the range of the torches. I stayed in stealth mode all along the walkway, avoiding the few Wookiee sentries. The platform to the Shadowlands was unguarded. I descended to the lower level, stepped off the platform, and pulled the lower lever, returning the elevator to the walkway to cover my tracks.

The Shadowlands, with their luminescent flora and fauna, were little different at night from the daytime. The forest smell was rich and rank as I trod the old paths. Jolee's cabin was not far from the platform. I Sensed inside and found it vacant -- and locked with manual, unpowered locks. The Force is useful for picking mechanical locks, and they soon yielded. That isn't exactly something they teach at the Jedi Academy, but we make do.

The hut was pitch black. I fired up a light saber and, in its light, found a quaint, old oil lamp, lit it. I locked the door and poked around. The snug, one-room dwelling had a small dining table that could double as a workspace, a miniscule kitchen, one set of shelves containing various odd Kashyyyki flora, and a sturdy cot with a nightstand. I set the oil lamp on the table, unpacked the hypos, lined them up within reach on the nightstand, and lay down on the cot. I used a hypo and the pain went away, along with everything else.

I was waking up again. I groped for the next hypo, but was startled wide-awake by a swoop and clatter as they hit the floor.

"Oh, no, you don't," snarled Jolee, angry as I've ever heard him. Bastila and Carth stood behind him in the doorway, looking grim. It was dim daylight outside. I sat up, unable to tell if Jolee had given me a stim shot or if it was natural adrenalin making me shake. Jolee was raging. "I never expected such cowardice from you, of all people. Running away I can almost understand, but this? This?" He waved a hypo in my face then hurled it across the room. "Why not just use a blaster? It's cleaner!"

I ran one hand back through my hair, shaking my head. "It's not like that. I'm not trying to kill myself. If I had, I'd be dead. I needed to get away."

It was Bastila's turn. Apparently they had decided on a screaming order before they came in. "Without telling us, or leaving any sign? Why would you do this? We spent most of the day searching for you. Why did you do something so stupid and thoughtless?" Her anger blossomed hot and red in my head. I fought for the discipline that meditation had brought, recognizing the anger as foreign, and walling it off as best I could.

"Bastila, please...please stop," I whispered.

She stayed in the doorway, face clenched in pain. "Why are you in such agony, Fiala? It bleeds in my head all the time. How do you stand it? There's something you aren't telling us, I know it."

Carth skipped the screaming part. Instead, he spoke quietly to Bastila and Jolee. "Maybe you two should go back up and let the rest of the crew know she's safe, call off the search. I want to talk to her, alone." My heart sank. I would have preferred yelling.

"We'll do that," growled Jolee, taking Bastila by the arm and leading her from the hut. "Bastila, come along. Pull it together, now. There is no emotion..."

I remained seated on the cot, eyes closed, seeking stability, as Bastila's anger ebbed slowly from my head. I heard Carth lock the door behind them and rummage around.

"Give me your weapons."

I opened my eyes. He was kneeling in front of a small chest, holding out his hand. His blasters were already in the chest. I handed over my light sabers, and he added them to the chest, locked it. That hurt. Did he think I was dangerous? Oh, yeah, so did I. That's part of the problem, isn't it? I'm dangerous. But even if I'm not, there's still the little problem of all the people who will be coming to kill me. That makes me dangerous to be around, even if Revan wasn't somewhere inside my head... I heard a throat clear. I hadn't noticed that Carth had pulled up a chair and sat down by the cot. I looked at him, suddenly terrified for no real reason. He spoke more gently than I expected.

"Are you OK? What's going on? Is this about us?" He's too damned perceptive. I hate that about him. I love everything else but really hate that preternatural perception. Maybe that's what it's like being around Jedi. We're supposed to be super-perceptive, too. I bet it really annoys non-Jedi... A touch on my arm woke me up, made me realize he'd been speaking.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?" I decided to look at him, to try to focus. Maybe that would slow my mind down.

"Everything seemed fine between us before the Star Forge. Since then, you've been distant to everyone, and I swear you're particularly avoiding me. I'm not sure what to think. You told me you loved me, once, and..."

"Oh, I do!" I jumped in, brightly. "I'm crazy about you. Have been since the day we met. All I could think of on Telos was that with you, I could get out of scouting, settle down, maybe raise a family." Wait a minute, I wasn't supposed to tell him that. I needed to get it together, figure out my message.

His face lit up. "Really? You never told me that before. I mean, I kinda figured you were interested the way you flirted with me, but I didn't know you were serious. I get flirted with a lot, you know."

"I can believe that. What girl could resist you? I sure couldn't." This wasn't coming out right at all. He slid onto the cot next to me and started rubbing my shoulders.

"Wow, you're tense. You're shaking. What's wrong, Fi? You love me, I'm nuts about you. End of problem. The heroine and the hero destroy the Star Forge, fly off into the cosmos together and live happily ever after, right? We can do that." It sounded way too plausible, too easy. The shoulder rub was helping relax me, but it was doing other things, too. I needed to put a stop to things, firmly and decisively.

I shook my head slightly.

Those gentle hands never stopped kneading my shoulders as he spoke. "I've been thinking about what could possibly be wrong. Don't take this the wrong way, but with your memory gone, well... I mean...you're...uh...you're not, well, afraid, um, of...you know, of me, are you?" I wanted to laugh and cry. I slid away from him, stood up. I had to do it now.

"I could never be afraid of you, Carth." I turned to face him. "I just didn't want to have to tell you that I was wrong. I was wrong when I told you we could have any sort of a life together. I'm sorry."

He shook his head. 'I don't believe you. What's the problem? Everything was OK before. What changed your mind?'

'Lots of things. At the Forge, I realized Vandar was right. I have power, and with that comes responsibility. The Jedi need me, Carth. Their numbers are too few, and it's because of me. I need to do what I can to fix what Revan did. And you have responsibilities too -- to the fleet, to Dustil. I don't see how we could make it work.'

He stood, came close, looked down gravely at me. 'You're wrong, Fiala. I learned my lesson last time. I thought the fleet, my duties, were more important than my family, and I nearly lost everything because of that. We love each other. I'll give up anything for that -- resign my commission, leave the fleet -- if you'll do the same with the Jedi.'

'I can't do that, Carth. They need me too badly.' And I need them to control Revan if she breaks out. 'It's different for you -- you didn't cause this whole mess. I started it; I'll clean it up.'

'That's another thing I don't understand -- why are you Revan all of a sudden? You used to deny it, now you seem to be accepting her identity. I don't think I like that.'

'Neither do I, but I can't deny what she did. And she did it with my power. That means I have the power to undo it. I can't explain why I feel responsible, but I do. Please, Carth, please just accept this situation. I want to be with you, but it's not in the cards for us. We can't have everything.'

'I can't accept that, Fi, you're far too important to me. And I have the feeling you need me. I know I need you.'

'You've got Dustil now, and something important to live for. I'm glad I was able to help you get past Saul's death, but you don't need me anymore. Go, find your son, find someone else to love, be happy."

He reached out, gripped my upper arms. "You can't be serious. Don't tell me to find someone else." He slid his hands up my shoulders and neck until he was cupping my face, tilting it to his. "Don't tell me you don't want this..."

He pressed his lips to mine. I didn't try to restrain my response. We parted after a moment, and I held him back, catching his eyes.

"I'd be lying if I told you I don't want you, you know that. But we can't have anything more. If this is what you want, it's yours, gladly. Then it's over. There's no future for us, Carth." He paused for a moment, pain on his face, then tightened his grip.

"I'll take whatever I can get," he rasped, pulling me down onto the cot.

Silly me. I thought he'd be an all or nothing kind of guy.

It was passionate and sad and wonderful and desperate. We clung together, never speaking. I tried to show him with my lips, hands, and body what he meant to me, how much I loved him. We parted only when exhausted, returned as soon as we regained strength. I don't know how long we were there, but I was aware of every second, savoring them all until we finally slept.

I woke first, and lay watching him sleep as light started filtering in through the windows. I thought idly that if I were somebody else, I could do this every morning for the rest of my life and be happy. His breathing changed, and his eyes opened, found me.

"A credit for your thoughts, beautiful."

"I was thinking how happy I could be if I were some other woman."

"If you were some other woman, you wouldn't be here." He paused and wiped tears from my face. "You're serious, aren't you? It's over? Over before we even get started?"

I nodded. He sighed, stared at the ceiling, looked back at me. "I was hoping that maybe, after last night, you'd reconsider. We belong together." I shook my head no, not trusting my voice. He sighed. "Someday, I'd like to really understand why.' He rose, and I followed. We dressed in silence. He unlocked the chest, slung on his blasters, and returned my weapons. He unlocked and opened the door, then turned back to me and held out a hand. I went to his side and tucked under his arm. He squeezed me tight, pressed a kiss to my temple. We walked in silence to the platform, my arm around his waist, his around my shoulder.

The platform was raised. I called it down and we embraced as we waited. It arrived, and I released him, stepped back.

"You're not coming up?"

I shook my head.

He held me once more, hard. I clung to him for a moment, then let him go. He stepped on the platform, put his hand on the gear lever, and looked back at me. His jaw tightened. I turned on my heel and walked away. I heard the platform ascend behind me.

The little cabin was dimly lit by the sparse sunlight filtering down to the Shadowlands. I straightened it mechanically, accustomed to the shipshape conditions aboard the Hawk. I made up the cot, gently smoothing the covers flat. The hypos were still scattered on the floor where Jolee had swept them. I picked them up, examined them. None were broken. I packed the empties and stared out the window for a while, listening to the muffled cries of the Kashyyyki fauna. Then I lined up the remaining hypos on the nightstand. Carth's scent still lingered on the pillow when I lay down, breathing deeply, remembering.

I reached for the first hypo.

I went back early one morning, after all the sedatives were gone. I thought to avoid everyone and slip back onto the Ebon Hawk without fanfare. When I reached the docking platform, it was empty.

I sat on the platform with my back to a post, knees drawn up to my chest, devoid of all feeling. Jolee found me there some hours later.

"They're gone. They left without saying goodbye."

"No, kid, you left without saying goodbye." He was still angry, I could tell.

'He took my ship.'

'You told him to, remember?' There was a long pause. I looked up at him.

"You still mad at me, Jolee?"

"Yeah, some." He looked at the empty platform. "But I understand a little better now." He extended a hand to me, pulled me to my feet. "Come on, your stuff is in the village." He stopped as he saw my face working, hugged me as I broke down. He let me cry on his shoulder for a long time.