Chapter 2: Refuge

I was wrapped in warmth, my face against a warm surface. 'Carth, love,' I whispered, smiling and snuggling closer to his chest. Arms squeezed tighter around me as I did. My head was filled with silence. It was wonderful.

'Fi, wake up. Come on, beautiful, come out of it.' Ah, the world was sweet. I wanted to lie there forever.

'Umm. Why?'

'Open your eyes. Look at me.' No sweetness in that tone. Something must be wrong.

I dragged my eyelids up with some effort. What was wrong with me? I had no strength at all. The room seemed familiar, but it wouldn't come into focus. Then I heard Jolee's voice.

'Come on, up and at 'em. You've been out long enough, kid. Time to get up and save the Galaxy again!'

'Am I hurt? What happened? I don't feel injured, but I can barely move.' I struggled to sit up , remembering our mission and its urgency. Carth loosened his grip and helped me sit upright, watching me closely. I was on the medbed in the Ebon Hawk's sick bay. Jolee stood at the foot of the bed, while Carth remained beside me, one arm supporting me.

'The stim shots are kicking in now. You'll feel stronger very soon. You've been sedated for quite a while, give it time.' said Jolee.

'Well, whatever happened, we've got to get going. We need to get Bastila off the Forge, and destroy it. There's no time to waste coddling me!'

I caught the look that Jolee gave Carth, and knew I'd said something wrong.

'Uh, we've already done that, remember? We went to the Forge. You found Bastila and persuaded her to come back to our side. She helped the Republic fleet destroy the Forge while you fought Malak, and beat him. Do you remember now?'

As Carth was speaking, reality snapped back into place. It was a strange feeling. Why had I lost all that time? I started shaking.

'I remember it all, Carth. Where are we? Where is the Council?' My voice quavered. I hated the weakness, but couldn't control it.

'You're safe,' said Carth, quickly.

'We're on Kashyyyk,' said Jolee simultaneously.

'Kashyyyk? Where are the Jedi Masters?' I expected them to stroll in the door at any second, the whole mangy tribe of them.

Jolee chuckled. 'Well, since the Wookies ousted Czerka Corporation from Kashyyyk, they have been rebuilding their government. They decided tribes were not sufficient to defend themselves from external threats like Czerka, and created a planetary council to unite all the tribes.'

'Is this going to be a really long story? Maybe Carth can answer my question.'

'Shush! You need to know all this to have your question answered! No patience in the young people these days... Where was I, anyway? Oh, the council. Well, the new Wookie Council decided that their planet would be neutral, like Maanaan. Nobody from the Empire or the Republic is welcome without permission from the head of the Kashyyyk Planetary Council. And since we're old friends, we have permission. No one else does. Not even the Jedi Council. So you see, my dear, Carth spoke the truth. You are as safe here from Sith or Jedi as you are likely to be anywhere in the Galaxy.'

'Old friends - do you mean Freyyr is head of the planetary council? Has Zaalbar come back to head his tribe?'

'Yes and no. You'll be proud of Zaalbar, Fiala. Heck, I'm proud of all the Wookies. From a dominated slave society, they have developed a beneficent planetary government in an incredibly short time. They are determined never to let outsiders take advantage of them again. And since we arrived here, Zaalbar took over tribal leadership peaceably from his father and has been named head of the whole darned Wookie Council. He's the one who persuaded them to restrict outsider access to Kashyyyk. But since I'm a benign forest god, heh heh, and you saved the Wookie race from slavery, we are allowed to remain as long as we like. The entire Ebon Hawk crew is welcome.'

'Uh, exactly how long have we been here? Sounds like quite a while."

'Not that long,' said Carth, 'We put our heads together while you and Bastila snoozed, decided you might not be completely crazy, and Zaalbar volunteered Kashyyyk as a refuge until we get things sorted out. Jolee seconded the idea, and, well, the rest of us decided we could stand seeing a few trees. While Canderous hauled you two to safe quarters, I set our course and took us into hyperspace before anyone could stop us. I did let the Admiral know we had an urgent mission on behalf of Freyyr's heir and that we would be in touch. That was roughly two, two-and-a-half days ago, standard.'

'Why have I been out so long?'

'That was my doing, kid,' said Jolee, 'Neither you nor Bastila behaved normally during your little....tiff. You'd both just been through hellish experiences, which might explain some of it. But it seemed as if your emotions fed on each other's pain and despair until they became unbearable. I woke Bastila up first since she seemed more, well, uh, frankly, more rational than you. I confirmed my theory with her and decided to put her out today and wake you up.'

'Theory? What theory?'

'Feedback,' Jolee intoned solemnly.

'Feedback.'

'Right.'

'Care to explain, old man? I can't believe I have to drag a story out of you.'

'Don't be impertinent, I'm the sane one here, kid. Anyway, do you know what feedback is?'

'Of course. It's when a transmitter and amplifying receiver are in too close proximity. The transmitted signal is picked up by the receiver, amplified, transmitted, and received again repeatedly, so the signal strength grows exponentially.'

'Right. Same here. You and Bastila share that damnable bond which gives each of you insight into the other's feelings. You were both emotional wrecks after the Star Forge. When you, uh, how did Mission put it? Oh, yes, when you wigged out talking to Carth...'

'Wigged out? I don't think so! I was perfectly reasonable.' Carth snorted.

'Uh, yes. As I was saying, when you wigged out, your emotions fed along the bond to Bastila, feeding her own negative emotions and chipping away her self-control. She was feeling guilty about working against the Jedi Council and the Republic, and that flooded back to you.'

'I felt it! I felt this horrible guilt for falling to the dark side and couldn't figure out why. I mean, I, Fiala, never fell.' I glanced at Carth and continued softly, 'I.. I was afraid Revan was coming back, and I was feeling her guilt...' Carth grimaced.

'Nope, what you caught was Bastila's own guilt,' said Jolee, 'Then when the two of you got angry, well, we were in for one heck of a Jedi catfight.'

Carth snickered. I shot him my best glare. Jolee continued, 'We had to stop you because you couldn't stop yourselves. I gave Mission and Juhani the hypos, they were their normal sneaky selves, and voila! Problem solved, catfight averted.'

'You said Bastila is unconscious now? Why? Oh, I get it. You didn't know what state of mind I would wake up in and decided not to chance planetary destruction, huh?'

Carth chuckled. 'Pretty much. We wanted to give you both time to deal with things and heal a bit before trying to reunite you. In the wrong circumstances, you two could hit critical mass and go nuclear in a big hurry. And I took it upon myself to wake you up in a way that I hoped would be comforting.' He grinned.

'What were the two of you going to do by yourselves if I woke up out of control?'

Carth looked uneasy. 'Uh, well, we had some insurance policies.' He brought the hand behind my back into view. It contained a hypo. Juhani and Mission dropped their stealth fields. Juhani waved her hypo at me rather sheepishly. Mission waggled her fingers, grinned, pointed. T3-M4 was on my left, below the bed level. They had rigged him up with a droid medkit attachment - and I didn't have to guess what was in that hypo. I chuckled. 'Looks like you guys had all your bases covered. Good for you! I'm just glad you didn't have to use them.'

'So are we, believe me. It's no fun dealing with rampaging Jedi," said Carth.

'What about this bond between Bastila and me? Is there some way to weaken it or break it so we're not so badly affected? I'd really like to be able to talk to her.'

'There's good news and bad news about that,' stated Jolee, 'the good news being that it can be done -- in theory. The bad news is, I don't know how to do it. We're going to need help from...'

'...the Jedi Council, right?' I groaned. Jolee nodded. 'Great. Well, I need to talk to them sometime. Might as well establish communications and get negotiations moving.'

'Negotiations?' Carth looked surprised.

'Damn straight, flyboy. I have terms and conditions for meeting with them, and there are assurances I want before I take one step off Kashyyyk, or off one more Sith. I want one of them to come here - all alone - and talk to me. Vrook, if he survived. I need some questions answered.'

'Vrook? Really? I thought you would ask for Vandar. Vrook didn't seem to like you very much,' said Carth.

'No, he didn't. Who can blame him?' Carth gave me a hard look and I continued quickly, 'I can respect somebody who doesn't like Revan. And Vrook had trouble lying. Vandar had to cut him off a couple of times to keep him from spilling the beans. For some reason, I trust the crotchety old guy. Maybe I'm just accustomed to crotchety old guys.'

'Hey, there, show some respect to your elders,' groused Jolee.

'I'm glad you're yourself again, Fi. You had me pretty scared,' said Carth.

'You had us all worried,' said Juhani.

"Hey, now that you're up, I want to hear what happened on the Forge,' said Mission, 'There has to be one heck of story there. How'd you ever beat a big baddie like Malak?'

'We heard Bastila's story yesterday, how you two fought and you talked her back to our side. That was well done, by the way,' said Carth

'Yes, indeed, that was a great triumph that will probably be overlooked in this entire history,' added Jolee, 'how the redeemed Dark Lord brought a Dark Jedi back to the light. Amazing, truly amazing.'

'And it really helped us out in that battle, and will in the fight to come. Bastila's Battle Meditation is a tremendous asset to the Republic, and the Sith aren't gone yet,' said Carth, old soldier that he is, 'But she stayed in the control room to turn the battle for the Republic while you faced Malak alone. Nobody but you knows what happened in there.' Something clicked into place suddenly. Malak. I'd spoken to Malak, before we dueled.

"Well done, Revan. I was certain the defenses of the Star Forge would destroy you, but I see there is more of your old self in you than I expected. You are stronger than I thought. Stronger than you ever were during your reign as the Dark Lord. I did not think that was possible."

"I will never serve the dark side again, Malak."

"Foolish words. The darkness and the light wage a constant war within you. The balance is tipped one way now, but it can easily be tipped back. Savior, conqueror, hero, villain. You are all things, Revan... and yet you are nothing. In the end you belong to neither the light nor the darkness. You will forever stand alone."

"I believe in the power of redemption."

"Of course. What else do you have? Fate and destiny have conspired to keep you alive despite my best efforts. They have thrust you into the role of savior."

Could it be true? Was I as much Revan as ever? Could I fall back to the dark side easily? How could I risk endangering my friends, and the man I loved, if I was as dangerous as Malak thought? I'd happily accepted Carth's offer of love, but how could I accept it now? My thoughts spun and looped endlessly. The whole struggle had been for nothing. All the work, the good I'd tried to do, was all pointless. I would be forever dangerous. I felt sick.

'Hey,' said Carth gently, 'Care to tell us what you're thinking? I've seen that thousand-yard stare before, and it doesn't mean anything good. Talk to us.'

'Look, I just woke up after a long nap,' I lied weakly, 'I'm grungy and hungry and would really like to get cleaned up a bit. Can it wait?' He frowned, but nodded.

Half an hour later, all necessary bodily functions complete, scrubbed and in clean clothes, I went to see Bastila. She was unconscious in her bunk, whimpering slightly from time to time. Our bond was quiet, but discomfort lay below the surface. She was probably having nightmares - and no wonder. Bastila was as badly damaged by Malak as I, perhaps more. She had done a lot for me at a high cost to herself. I needed to let her know that someday. I sat on her bunk for a moment, smoothed her hair off her face, tried to project peace into the bond. She seemed to quiet down. It could have been wishful thinking.

I went back to the commons and joined Canderous, Jolee, Juhani, Mission, Carth, and the droids. Zaalbar was out on Wookie business. The crew was engaged in a card game, that ever-popular time killer during long voyages. They looked pleased for a distraction as I entered.

'Tell us what happened with Malak, Fi," said Carth.

"Yes, tell us the tale of your great victory! I long to hear of a good battle," said Canderous, "and this time, you can tell me a war story for a change."

'I.. I'd really rather not. I'm not sure I can do it, yet...'

'It'll help if you do. You need to get it out,' said Jolee.

'But...but doesn't everyone on the Hawk deserve to hear it? Let's get Zaalbar here tomorrow and I can tell you then. I don't want to have to retell it.'

Carth sighed, and Jolee nodded reluctantly. 'All right, but you're not going to get out of it, you know. It would be nice if Bastila could be awake to hear this, too. Why don't you meditate with Juhani and me to get better control of yourself? Bastila did that yesterday and it seemed to steady her. If you can keep yourselves calm, we can have the pleasure of both your companies simultaneously. And if not, there's always the trusty hypos.'

"Right now, I'd like to know what you've told the Republic and the Jedi Council, and compose messages to each of them, first. Carth was right, we don't want to look like we were fleeing. And the sooner I get things straight with the council, the sooner we can get off this rock and back to business."

"I don't think Bastila can wait that long, Fiala," said Juhani. "She was badly shaken by her experience. She needs to return to the Jedi Council and be healed."

"We need to get some distance between you and Bastila," said Jolee, "Your proximity makes the bond stronger. It will be easier to deal with when you are separated. I think she should return to Coruscant on the ship that brings the Council member. The sooner she gets the attention she needs, the better."

"I can understand that. Do you think she's safe in the Council's hands? I don't want them to harm her, either."

"Look how they welcomed me back after my fall," said Juhani, "As you knew they would at that time. You trusted them with my life on Dantooine, and you were right. Why do you suspect them so now?"

"I'm sorry, maybe I'm just a little paranoid, but they were pretty darned cavalier with my life and your safety. They ripped away my mind and replaced it to suit their needs. Then, knowing that I still could be dangerous, they put me in a Republic force with Bastila as my keeper. They hid my identity from key members of that force, like Carth. He ended up alone with me on Taris, not knowing he had a live plasma grenade on his hands. Even when we recovered Bastila, she didn't have the decency to warn him about me. And they sure rolled the dice with all of your lives, too. They didn't do one thing to prepare or protect you except have Bastila around to try to control me. When Malak revealed my identity, I was completely unprepared to deal with it." I wrenched up out of my seat and began pacing. "No, no, their actions were unacceptable, even if the consequences were good. They should have had the simple decency to let you know what you were dealing with. Tearing a mind away is just...heinous. I don't see how I can deal with such people." Carth was nodding.

"Bastila has told me that Revan's mind was not destroyed by the Jedi. Revan was so badly hurt by Malak's attack that her mind was gone," said Juhani, gently, "The Jedi gave you a second chance at life, Fiala. They were not trying to harm you."

"I want to believe that, Juhani, I really do. Maybe it's what remains of Revan making me think like a Sith, telling me that they only did it because they needed the information locked in my head. I need some answers about who I am and what was done to me before I can decide what to do next. Look, we didn't get a chance to talk about this as a group before. You're my friends and I trust you. Maybe I've lost perspective. I put myself in your hands. If the majority of this crew trusts the Council, I'll go back right now, no argument." They glanced at each other.

"You were unconscious when that decision was made, Revan," growled Canderous, "we are here because we trust your feelings, and we stand with you." He was the only member of the party who continued to call me Revan. I never contradicted him. He used my former name reverently, like a term of respect. I almost enjoyed hearing it.

"Well, then, that's settled. We'll convene first thing tomorrow, you can all hear my story, and we'll figure out where to go from there." Heads nodded, and everyone rose, started moving about their business.

"Care to meditate, Fiala?" asked Juhani, standing with Jolee.

'I'd like to go for a stroll first, get a bit of exercise. Where is Zaalbar? I want to see him.'

'He's in Rwookrrorro village, at the Chieftan's Hall. Go ahead if you like. Be careful, the odd vermin still menace the walkway,' said Jolee.

'Care for some company on your walk?' Carth smiled at me. I couldn't stand it. I began a detailed inspection of the deck plates.

'No, uh, no thanks, Carth, not right now. I'm sorry, I would rather be alone for a while. I'm not good company at the moment. I need to think.'

'OK, I guess I understand. I need to PM the engines anyway. This humid climate isn't good for them. At least take HK-47 to watch your back, since you don't want me doing it.' He turned, strode toward the engine room. It hurt more than I expected. I swallowed.

'If you want to talk, kid...' said Jolee, softly. He'd observed the exchange.

'Come on, HK-47, let's go for a walk.'

The nice thing about droids is that they are nonjudgmental. There is no pressure in a droid relationship. I talked freely to HK-47 about everything on my mind. His responses were often nonsequiturs about the peculiarities of meat bags and the destruction of same, but they made me laugh. Of course, he couldn't offer me any useful advice, but at least he could listen. I ordered him to lock down our private conversations to just me, his master. Wouldn't do to have him blabbing about any of my doubts or fears. Or how much I loved Carth, whether I could have him or not.

We encountered few vermin, despite Jolee's warning. The path from the spaceport and the old, deserted trading post to the village was nearly deserted. It looked good, though. The Wookies were keeping the walkway well-maintained, outsider-built or no. I couldn't help stopping in the old trading post. Its power was cut, so I had to force open the doors. The inside was chill, dim, and dusty. I searched through the shelves and bins, scrounging for weapons and supplies out of habit, but the Wookies had cleaned the place out. The twisted wreckage of a slave cage lay in one corner, nearly stomped to pieces.

I stepped into the great, wooden Chieftan's Hall to find Zaalbar in conversation with two other Wookies. They all stood, and Zaalbar strode over and embraced me. It was like being enfolded in a kath hound rug - an uncured one. I hugged him back - hard. Chances are, he barely noticed. Eyes watering, I stepped back to catch a breath of fresh air. I feared a rib or two might be cracked. Wookies don't realize their strength.

'Ah, Fiala, it is so good to see you up and about,' Zaalbar roared, 'On behalf of all Wookies, allow me to offer you refuge here, for as long as you wish to stay. You have been a good friend to the Wookies, and to me in particular. You are only Fiala to us, now and forever, and none shall harm you here.'

Now my eyes were watering for a different reason. 'Zaalbar, you honor me with your friendship. I accept your offer. Thank you so much. You are the only one who has been able to give me what I need most right now - refuge.'

'I saw your plight on the Ebon Hawk, Fiala, and understood it. I had to make the Wookie nations understand, as well, in order to save you. And by closing our planet to help you, we are saving ourselves. Yet again, you assist us in ways unlooked for. I am fortunate to be your friend. Your needs have forced me to become more than I ever thought I could be.'

I smiled up at him. 'What are our restrictions here as outsiders? I do not wish to intrude where I do not belong, nor to dishonor your customs. Guide me, I shall be respectful.'

'We trust in your goodwill, Fiala, and there are no restrictions on you, or on Jolee, who knows us so well. For the rest, we would ask that they stay on the walkways and not descend to the lower levels, nor ascend into the heights as we do, unless you accompany them.'

'I shall pass that along. When will you return to the Ebon Hawk? We have some business to conclude, but we won't be ready until tomorrow at the earliest. And I'm sure Mission wants to see you.'

'I will return tomorrow morning for this council, my friend. Walk in peace until then.'

Mission and Juhani were in the women's quarters when I returned. Mission looked a bit uncomfortable.

'Hey, Fi, no hard feelings over knocking you out, huh? It wasn't my idea. I wouldn't have done it, but I was scared of what was going on with you and Bastila.'

'No hard feelings, Mission. You did what was necessary, and did it well. I'm just glad I didn't hurt anyone.'

'You seem OK now. So what's the story? Do you think we'll get somewhere civilized very soon? I don't mind Kashyyyk, but it's pretty dull. Wookies don't play Pazaak. And Zaalbar is busy all the time. I'm ready to blow this place, find somewhere more exciting. Guess I'm just a city girl, huh?'

'You know I'm not going anywhere until I've spoken with a Jedi in authority who can guarantee my safety - from them, anyway, if not from the Republic. I agree with Juhani and Jolee that Bastila needs to get to Coruscant to get some help. She's been through more than I can really understand, and the Jedi in this party are not Masters. You could go with her. Coruscant is a lot like Taris, I hear.'

'I'd like to see it, anyway. What will you do, Juhani, if you can get passage outta here?'

'I will accompany Bastila back to the Jedi Council and await another assignment. Perhaps I can help her on the journey back. And there are friends there I would like to see again. Will you not return with us, Fiala? We will need all the Jedi we can get to continue the struggle against the Sith.'

'I'll return later, if I can. It's... complicated.'

'What about the droids?' said Mission.

'HK-47 will stay here. I need to keep him under control. T3-M4 is pretty much wasted on Kashyyyk, though. He's a great little droid. Why don't you take him with you to Coruscant? I can sign him over to you, Mission.'

'You're giving him to me? Really? That's so great! I bet he'll be real useful on Coruscant. He can slice into places almost as good as me.'

'Mission, look, I don't know Coruscant, but you'll need to watch your step there. You'll be on foreign turf. You might want to consider going legit. It could be really dangerous if you cross the wrong people.'

'I hear ya, I'm not a stupid kid. I'll be as careful as in a strange cantina, OK?' She scowled.

I smiled and hugged her. 'I know you'll do fine, Mission. You're a survivor. Just let me worry about you a little bit, won't you? It's an old folks' thing.' She laughed.

'If ya have to, I guess. Really, it's kinda nice having people care. I'm just not used to it.'

'Well, get used to it, young Twi'lek,' purred Juhani. We all hugged.

'So, I suppose Old Man Carth will stay here with you, huh, Fiala?' asked Mission, 'So you guys can have your honeymoon?' She made kissy sounds. I swallowed.

'I haven't talked to him yet. Remember, his son is out there somewhere. I can't imagine he'd want to sit around here waiting for me, not knowing what is happening with Dustil.'

'Oh, yeah,' said Mission, sobering, 'I forgot about Dustil. But I can sure imagine why Carth'd want to stay here with you!'

'I think perhaps we should let Fiala and Carth figure this out,' said Juhani, reading my face far better than Mission, wrapped up in her romantic fantasy. 'That leaves Canderous and Jolee. Canderous has been making noises about returning to Coruscant. Jolee is mum. I do not know what they will do. But I guess all shall be decided tomorrow.'

'Right. Zaalbar will come back in the morning and we can get everything figured out then. I think I'll take you up on your offer of meditation, Juhani."

"That's my clue to clear out - maybe I can get HK-47 to play some Pazaak. On the other hand, that could be ugly if he's a sore loser. Man, there's just nothing to do around here," and Mission stomped out.