Who I am.

She sat in the center of a ring of candles made on her homeworld, legs crossed in front of her as her breath became the only sound in the chamber, the heat of the tiny flames warming her bare skin. Concentrate… the Force is with you. Open yourself to it and let it fill you.

The Talravian Rite of Reflection was meant to be performed in solitude. No one but the person sitting in the ring had anything to do with it, and it was a journey inward, which is why garments were considered a needless distraction in Talravian solitary rituals.

Bastila Shan sat in the darkness, muttering the ritual hymns she’d been taught as a little girl and let herself remember:

There are many things I have done in my life. I have mediated conflicts, led troops into battle, brought peace to worlds and ended the reign of a Dark Lord of the Sith. Yet I feel incomplete.

She inhaled deeply, slowly letting the air fill her lungs as she meditated in both the traditional Talravian methods, and in the Force. Memories came flooding back of playing with her mother and father on the hills of Debava, and the lakes of Mirallis. And of her first moment of fear as she gazed into the raw fury of the volcanoes of Mustafar.

She saw herself… standing there looking up at a strikingly handsome, dark-haired, rugged man whose eyes betrayed a kindness most wouldn’t assume in a treasure hunter. The man reached down and put his hand on her younger-self’s head, wearing a radiant smile as he spoke to her over the roaring of the volcano.

“Come now, Bastila. There is nothing to be afraid of, darling. We’re completely secure here behind the ray shield.

Just then a violent eruption spits molten lava directly onto the shield behind him and the little girl screams in terror “Father!”

Bastila felt a surge of remorse pouring forth as she relived the moment.

Father…

Her mental vision blurred as events moved forward to another scene… one that still was a void in her heart; the day she saw her Father for the last time. On Dantooine where her Father is talking to a grey-haired man dressed in long flowing robes. The little girl realizes with excitement that this must be one of those Jedi Knights that Father has been telling her so much about lately, but she still hides behind her Father as he talks to the Jedi, and she can hear he’s telling about how she once managed to avoid a colony of firebats. She doesn’t understand why it is important; she just wanted them to go away, and they did. She peeks out from behind Father; the Jedi seems most intrigued by this and smiles at her, but she ducks back behind the safety of Father before she smiles back.

The Jedi nods and crouches down, extending his hand to her…

”Hello, there” he says warmly.

The little girl slowly stands out from behind Father, who is suddenly silent and looks and is wearing an odd expression on his face. As the girl looks forward to the smiling Jedi Knight, Father slowly and silently steps back and nudges her forward. “Go on, Bastila. Be polite.”

The little girl slowly moves forward and takes the extended hand of the Jedi. “Hello…” she stutters, “My name… is Bastila Shan.”

“Pleased to meet you, Bastila Shan” the Jedi says kindly “My name is Vrook.”…

The next memories are vague: years of accomplishments, failures, effort. It all seems to be so insignificant, for she doesn’t see anymore of it than a blur on her mental vision.

She sees herself just a little over six months ago; in a dirty cantina on Tatooine, hurling insults at her mother… her dying Mother.

“What difference does it make to you? None I’m sure. Just find your Father’s holocron and you won’t have to worry about me, either way,” her mother had said.

She told me Father had been killed by a Krayt Dragon. And Revan thought the Star Map was in the lair of a Krayt Dragon.

Bastila allowed herself a sad smile as she recalled how she had grabbed onto Revan’s arm when they had been outside the city gates and demanded that he let her kill the dragon. He had not been pleased.

“Are you mad?” Revan nearly shouted. “I have faith in your skills, Bastila but we are talking about a Krayt Dragon here! There is no way I am letting you go up against that alone.”

She put her hands on her hips and shot him an icy glare “That dragon killed my father! It is interfering with our gaining access to the Star Map. What is wrong with me killing it?”

Revan’s face was filled with shock to such an extent she almost thought he was going to faint “Listen to yourself. You’re talking about revenge. Now, barring the fact that revenge leads to the dark side, you have no chance of taking that dragon out on your own.” He paused and breathed heavily, his voice was softer when he spoke again “Look, I know you’re upset about your father, Bastila. But I can’t let you take on that dragon by yourself. Even for a Jedi that beast would be more than a match. Neither you nor I are Masters, we can’t simply go it alone.”

She noticed an odd tremble in his voice when he finished “I…I don’t want to lose you, not like this when we can ensure that we get what we all need by staying together.”

And so they had ended up joining forces with the local hunters, to bring down the beast. And it did go down, but Bastila had felt no real satisfaction from it. The hunter had used mines, and the dragon had just walked onto them. Retrieving the holocron had been a simple task… an unfulfilling task.

How proud I was back then, I couldn’t even admit to myself that Revan was right in what he said about revenge. Not even after Mother and I reconciled.

She opened her eyes and stared at the bare walls of the room, dimly lit from the light of the candles; she knew the next thing she had to confront was the hardest of them all. I can’t shy away from it. Whether I like it or not, it is part of who I am. She took a deep breath and let her mind flow once more…

“The dark side will always triumph over the light! Malak has assured me of victory. You can’t defeat me here on the Star Forge. You can’t!” she shouted at Revan, who was dressed in white with an orange lightsabre in hand that he brought up to quickly parry her crimson twin blades as she lashed out for his throat.

Revan grunted, and Bastila pushed him back, grinning viciously as she raised her hand and sent waves of lightning spawned of her hatred towards him, laughing as he called out in pain when he failed to deflect some of the bolts.

She charged forward, when Revan suddenly side-stepped; sending her in a mad rush past him as he slashed his lightsabre out to scorch the rear of her legs. She screamed in pain, and struggled to find her footing; waiting for the killing blow.

It never came. Revan just stood there looking into her eyes with sadness pouring from him through their still active bond.

The memories of their conversation flew past, but one sentence lit up like the stars themselves: the memory of Revan, standing open to her blade, lowering himself to his knees in front of her and simply saying: “You won’t kill me, Bastila. Because I love you. And I believe in you.”

The memories flow again.

The final relief as Revan came back from the observation platform, saying that Malak is dead. The ceremony where he subtly puts his arm around her waist after most of the crowd has gone, to him standing by her side as the Council granted her Knighthood several months later.

Happiness… can be fleeting. I spent so much time seeking it in the Jedi, trying to be the perfect Jedi. Instead I became a Sith and nearly helped destroy the Galaxy, kill my friends and… and Revan.

She lifted her hand and focused the Force on one of two objects lying in the corner: the small cube floated towards her, and she suspended it in midair in front of her. She reached out and touched the holocron; looking through its databases for what she sought; a still holo of a man, a woman and a little girl, smiling and waving at the camera.

Father, I let my love for you and need for revenge over what happened to you push me into dark places. Places that I swore to myself I would never go.

Mother, I spent most of my early adulthood resenting you, unjustly. I never sought you out, and almost did not give you the chance to even explain yourself. I can never express in words the shame of my fall, and the pain I felt, even after I was saved.

She smiled softly as the memory of Revan doing his best to help her through things came to mind. He didn’t always succeed, or know what to say, but he was there if she needed him.

I cannot undo the past. Nor can I keep living in it. I seek your forgiveness, my Mother and Father. And I hope that you can give it… I love you both.

She stood and took the holocron into her palm, while she made a subtle gesture with her other hand; the Force sending a slight wave of air through the room and extinguishing the candles.

She moved silently to the doorway, where her loose robe lay and donned it as she silently slipped back into the main quarters of the guest section of the Republic cruiser Taris’ Pride. She stood for a moment in the doorway, looking at the bed in the corner and the figure sleeping there, his chest rising and falling slowly.

I love you too, she sent through the Force, as she stepped to the bed and let the robes slide to the floor when she crept under the sheets.

Revan stirred, but Bastila gently nudged him back to sleep with a silent reassurance as she slid her arms around him. Sleep, my love. We will need our rest as we look to the future.